A letter from the Innocent

To You, All of YOU,

If I could ask you "Why?" would the answers make any difference?  Would it change the fact that each of you have stole parts of me, the vital ones?  You left me unable to grow, unable to trust and unable to connect in a genuine love.  You left me with the lessons that I DO NOT matter. I am an object to be used in the dark, easily discarded. You wiped your nose with my innocence, like it's your snot on a tissue .  You tossed me away in the trash. And that is what I've become.  I've hid it and run from it , refusing to face it. Relationships are impossible for me. When I start letting people in, I sabotage it, and force them to leave me scattered in the winds of my own misery that YOU created for me.
I want an apology and acknowledgement that YOU did these things to me. Because most of all, I want to forgive you , so that I can move beyond this prison of self hate and belief that it was my fault at 4, 8, 12 and any other ages I may have wiped from my memory. I just don't want to be alone in the dark anymore with the monsters in the darkest shadows waiting to strike  and steal any more from me. Even after all these years, I am AFRAID that each of you are coming back . So I just lie down and take it so that at least it would be on my terms now . Which just perpetuates that I do not matter now either. 
My children suffer, my husband suffers, my would be friends suffer, because each and every single one of you has taken what rightfully belongs to them. You have stolen not only my security and safety and love and trust and innocence, but you have all taken from these people you didn't even know.
I think you are scum and I used to wish you horrible deaths.  Some of you I have come to care less what happens to you. One I hate with a passion that burns my soul. One I forgive, He had the courage to tell me he was deeply sorry for what he did and all I had been through.
I don't like that because of all that has gone on, I saw myself as a victim. I despise the fact that I am so angry at God that I wonder what I did to be punished so, so angry at him I am deeply alone from him.  I am angry that I have allowed myself to dwell in fear and live in a closet because of the past. I am so stuck in my ways that the possibility of release from this hell (that I have created because of all of you) is a physically painful idea. I will be exposed, the world will see I am dirty and unlovable/ unable to love.

But today, I want to tell you all to go to hell and stop ruining my future!
The innocent

thinking reflective thoughts

I am having some difficulties expressing myself outside of word.  Being truly me.  I come off as a fake and fraud. This pushes people I love away from me.  Its a really lonely feeling.

I am a lost and lonely human
longing for the miracles of change
that I lack the courage
to grab hold of .
a leaf blowing on currents of wind
emotional and irrational
logic does not dwell in my being
longing for connections
deeper than the mask I present


I'm wishing I didn't continue to hurt the people I love with my insecurities.  and I'm wishing that I didn't feel the  need to sabotage when things are going well and that I could check my thoughts against reality with out having someone walk me through it.  That I had better control over my emotions and fears,  I wish I could not care what people thought of me so that I could allow people access to who I am. because the hiding of myself I tearing me apart and I'm losing my grip of self.

And just because I want you to fully know my mood and my thoughts...

A lie confessed
 a bit too late
with damage done
the bandage ripped
 lemon juices squeezed
the pain refreshed:
almost new
a pain remembered
bad dreams
on record repeat
night after night
the suffix
to every new day's ending
no lessons learned
concious is seared
chard: the way
 you enjoy your steak
a walking fake
too many masks
for each maskerade
lost track..
which is the real me

16Aug2013 a step to end a cycle

I thought maybe someone else might benefit from my free thoughts.  I am struggling with making the same mistakes over and over again, thinking I am beyond them. Only to have them come at me full circle.  Plain and simple I allow my fear of what people think of me to over ride the truth and when I have stated something I KNOW is not true, I do nothing to correct this.   I hate this about myself . I have gotten to the point for the last year at least, that my marriage is on the last thread of hope.   So here you can see that I am trying to believe GOD and not myself.   

16August2012

In proverbs it says when we turn away and ignore wisdom and laugh in her face, when we are met with our calamity, she will laugh at us and when we call out she will ignore us (Proverbs 1).   How long will she ignore us (She being God)? 

In judges 6:1 it says AGAIN Israel did evil in the eyes of the Lord.  How many times do I just like Israel do evil in his eyes?  He saves Israel when they call out to him.  Its over a period of time.  I know that I continue to do the same things I am asking God to save me from, Just like Israel.  How long will I continue to choose this over God?  I know that is an answer only I can give but I don’t have the answer.  Am I even capable of making that choice?  Aaron tells me I am not but I still have it stuck in my head that I have to be the one to do it.  How do I accept that I cannot do this on my own?

God please take me in your arms and love me to the point of me giving up myself? Will I ever be able to do it?

A friend from Church gave me a work book from Beth Moore called Living Free.  She states that we need to pray God’s word back to him. To restate GOD’s TRUTH to affirm our faith, To ask questions of the things we do not understand,  To confess our sins and ask for Him to change us. I am going to try this. I am going to make the efforts to do this every day.   I am HORRIBLE at commitment. If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband, I am 100% certain he will confirm this .

Mark 9:24 I do believe help me overcome my unbelief. 

 God I know I have believed before but I am failing in belief lately. Please take my unbelief away from me so that I may live how you intended me to live. I look at the wreck I am making of my marriage because of my failure in believing or even understanding. Please help me to understand and to believe.

my dad

He isn't an easy guy to love. In fact our relationship isn't the best. It isn't what every little girl thinks her relationship with her father will be when she grows up.  We had a falling out.  I married a man he didn't agree with. I had children with this man.  He wasn't happy about it. He voiced this on numerous occasions. We actually stopped talking for a long time.  I went to see him in 2009 to make my peace with him.  He heard what I had to say. He didn't really respond to what it was.  The one thing I have always wanted from him was simply, "I am sorry my selfishness has hurt you and that I couldn't see how wonderful you are."  

Now my dad is dying.  Really he has been dying for a long time. He drinks beyond the point of excess and he smokes more than that. His body has slowly been giving out on him.  Through talking with my husband and my brothers and sisters and the Lord, I have realized, I don't mourn for this man who's seed brought me into this world. I mourn for all those times I wanted where it was evident that he loved me and my siblings without shame. That my children would know his goofiness.  That we would be a close family always there for each other.  I mourn that those times with him will never be.  It's selfish really.   I don't hate my father. I love him in a way that I simply cannot explain.  

He lays in a bed in a hospital and he cannot communicate other than smiling or tearing up in his eyes, Yet he cannot give the one thing that would set us free from all that want that each of us five kids have.  The apology.   Coming to terms with this over the last few days has been a very emotional process. 

Just when I think I am good and I am at peace, those emotions rise up.  I feel society telling me with out words that I am supposed to rush to my dying father and be with him.  But what good will that do? I feel the approval of my siblings and my father himself, pull me to go even when I have not the means to do it.  Yet I have been told by all of my siblings that wanting to and not being able to are different than being able and not wanting to.  

What can I say to him that I have not said before?  Only one thing... I forgive you, Daddy, even though you haven't asked me to do it. 

As a little girl I delighted in being a Daddy's girl. Everything I did was to try to please a man that could not be pleased because he was unhappy in his own being for whatever he chose to allow to make him unhappy.  He has touched lives in good and bad ways.  I want to believe he has lifted up someone and made their life better.  

I hope that the amendments that need to be made are made before God makes it his time.  

It is not my duty to seek his approval anymore. As my brother said, He gave that gift to me when he disowned me for marrying a black man. He gave me a freedom I never chose to see, freedom from living up to whatever standard he had for me that was not mine.   I am grateful that I can now see it.

There is so much more I could say. I just find myself lacking the words.

I don't want to speak negatively or hear anyone else do it. I want to focus on the good things I remember.

He taught me how to bait a hook at 4 years old and to sit super quietly while I waited for the fish to come and gobble the worm on the hook. He used to play hide and seek in the dark with us and our friends and find the best hiding spots. 

I remember when I would get out of the shower and all dried off and in fresh pj's, he would sit and brush my hair until it was dry. I felt so treasured during those moments when I was little.

The camping trips, even when it was freezing man i loved those camping trips. The last one we went on I was 13 or 14 and we went up to Vega Reservoir and My brother and I were sitting around the fire roasting marsh mellows and he told us not to put our feet too close to the fire or our shoes would melt.  I guess I sat too close.  and then Chris' fishing pole fell in the lake. He had to get it and there were leeches in the water.  Dad laughed and laughed.

I am up late because I can't sleep knowing the condition he is in.  His brain is bleeding him to death. His body is depleted and from what my sister says, his mind is gone.  Now he is a scared old man that doesn't know his children and stared blankly at the wall.  I wonder what he sees as he stares at things no one else can see.  Is God judging him? Showing him all the things in his life that he did for good or bad? I know what I hope.

I wish that they could just give him enough morphine to allow him to slip into a sleep that will take him.  That they give him enough that his breathing is slowed and then stopped so he wont be scared and he wont feel the pain from his broken hip.  If he were a dog, he would have been euthanized by now.  Why is it that that would be "humane", but being a human it is assisted suicide and illegal and unethical?

I never realized how much I would miss him.  It broke my heart hearing my sister on the phone today, she is so strong and this makes her helpless. What can we do as children to love our parents? Especially after we have left them and have been joined to our spouses?

May his memory be good and live long.

there are no answers that could matter

I have many questions about things from the past. I don't want the answers to these questions for they can offer nothing of goodness to my life.  They can only do harm.  But I have them, I don't want them and I don't know what to do with them.  These questions hurt me deeply they are questions for myself on why I did things that I did, Those I can answer, BUT its the other questions, the ones I have for other people, those are the ones that I don't want the answers to. The ones that can offer nothing to me to benefit my future.  I hope that  voicing that I have these questions will allow God to take them away from me.

The elephant that weighs

The last week has been rough with all the sinus infections and brochospasms and chest colds going around the house. The last few days I've had a cough that seems to be escalating. I have listened to my own lungs and hear nothing abnormal so I am not too concerned except it feels like the invisible elephant that sat on my chest has gained a few pounds in the last 36 hours.

We shall see how tomorrow fairs before I go make an appointment.  I hate being sick this time of year even if we aren't of the notion that you must follow with traditions.  I don't feel much like doing anything other than snuggling under the blankets and sleeping.

 I have been trying to force myself to study for the mental health exam we have coming up. I am so uninterested in this section that it is taking a lot to force myself to study. I think part of the problem is that I have short timers disease going on. It is the last test before we take our NCLEX and state boards.  I just want to do well and continue with the on the job training. I learn better that way than reading the material straight.  
Sigh;  I simply need more prayer and time with God.  I need him to help me sort out all the stress that is going through my head .  I need to lean on him to help me get to where it is he needs me to be, yet I am super impatient and want it yesterday.

writings from the vacant stair well

I haven't written in what feels like ten forevers. Sometimes I think I have forgotten how to. I feel as though I have lost touch with myself over the last year and a half, when really, I am simply getting to know a new part of me.
A wonderful friend asked me if I had been writing. She knows its how I cope and release and find my peace. I guess I have been so focused on the Army and becoming a Nurse that I have forgotten that I need this for me.
Not only has the Army /School focus taken me from my writing, but I have allowed it to take me from my family ( albeit only temporarily).
Tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with my son. I can't believe he is 14. I could tell he needed me. He needed the wisdom that comes with motherhood , growth and age.  Seems like the things he is going through are things I have just recently spoken with my husband about with regards to myself.  I am so grateful for the moments to be his mother and confident today.  I am reminded that God is supposed to be that for me  but I just haven't known how to reach out to him.  I am going to take the advice I gave my son and just Talk to Him most high that loves me more than anyone ever.  God gives us our children to remind us that we are his children and we sometimes need to cry to our Parents too. I am grateful for today's lesson.

I remember

I remember when


poetry found us,

Two souls

floating on the waves

of words inside

our lonesome heads.

It brought us together

where it bound us

in shared moments

of genuine

emotions raging

needs fast and racing.

13 years later

the poetry is forgotten

no sharing

of waves of words.

Loneliness riles

the seas inside us.

Fighting with ores

we try

we steer our canoes

reaching for

I remembers

to hold the binding

that poetry glued.

It has been a while but life is amazing. Nursing school for the Army is trying to murder me but I will overcome and be a great nurse.
 Last week end I got a new car. I love it.  but yesterday I got into a car accident.  I was making a left and didn't see a car coming and it crashed into me.  No one was hurt. Praising the Father for that.  I felt so horrible.  I think I need to slow down and be patient.  Good thing we have full coverage insurance.
 We also got a new puppy.  I love her spunky lil lazy attitude. We named her Nineveh and we call her Ninnie for short. She loves to play wii fit when someone else is on the wii board.

its been six months or more since my last update, I am now an Army Combat Medic.  I have gained some awesome experiences and am so much more grateful for the things in my life.  God has truly blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve.

In January I head to a follow on school for the Army and will become a Licensed Practical Nurse and that will help me greatly in achieving my RN.   I know that none of this could be possible with out the support of my family and God's awesome will.

the timing

I can't help the counting of hours and seeing the tears that are welling and not being let to slip.  She is 11 and full of emotions  and they often conflict.  I feel somewhat guilty at having to go away, but i know that i need to do this.  I need to take care of me to be able to take care of her and her siblings to the best of my abilities.    It is simply hard to have to leave them when I have been the constant for them. This will be good for me and it has been something I have wanted to do since I was 12.  It is scary to realize a dream that has been long dreamed.
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