And just because I want you to fully know my mood and my thoughts...

A lie confessed
 a bit too late
with damage done
the bandage ripped
 lemon juices squeezed
the pain refreshed:
almost new
a pain remembered
bad dreams
on record repeat
night after night
the suffix
to every new day's ending
no lessons learned
concious is seared
chard: the way
 you enjoy your steak
a walking fake
too many masks
for each maskerade
lost track..
which is the real me

16Aug2013 a step to end a cycle

I thought maybe someone else might benefit from my free thoughts.  I am struggling with making the same mistakes over and over again, thinking I am beyond them. Only to have them come at me full circle.  Plain and simple I allow my fear of what people think of me to over ride the truth and when I have stated something I KNOW is not true, I do nothing to correct this.   I hate this about myself . I have gotten to the point for the last year at least, that my marriage is on the last thread of hope.   So here you can see that I am trying to believe GOD and not myself.   

16August2012

In proverbs it says when we turn away and ignore wisdom and laugh in her face, when we are met with our calamity, she will laugh at us and when we call out she will ignore us (Proverbs 1).   How long will she ignore us (She being God)? 

In judges 6:1 it says AGAIN Israel did evil in the eyes of the Lord.  How many times do I just like Israel do evil in his eyes?  He saves Israel when they call out to him.  Its over a period of time.  I know that I continue to do the same things I am asking God to save me from, Just like Israel.  How long will I continue to choose this over God?  I know that is an answer only I can give but I don’t have the answer.  Am I even capable of making that choice?  Aaron tells me I am not but I still have it stuck in my head that I have to be the one to do it.  How do I accept that I cannot do this on my own?

God please take me in your arms and love me to the point of me giving up myself? Will I ever be able to do it?

A friend from Church gave me a work book from Beth Moore called Living Free.  She states that we need to pray God’s word back to him. To restate GOD’s TRUTH to affirm our faith, To ask questions of the things we do not understand,  To confess our sins and ask for Him to change us. I am going to try this. I am going to make the efforts to do this every day.   I am HORRIBLE at commitment. If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband, I am 100% certain he will confirm this .

Mark 9:24 I do believe help me overcome my unbelief. 

 God I know I have believed before but I am failing in belief lately. Please take my unbelief away from me so that I may live how you intended me to live. I look at the wreck I am making of my marriage because of my failure in believing or even understanding. Please help me to understand and to believe.