A letter from the Innocent

To You, All of YOU,

If I could ask you "Why?" would the answers make any difference?  Would it change the fact that each of you have stole parts of me, the vital ones?  You left me unable to grow, unable to trust and unable to connect in a genuine love.  You left me with the lessons that I DO NOT matter. I am an object to be used in the dark, easily discarded. You wiped your nose with my innocence, like it's your snot on a tissue .  You tossed me away in the trash. And that is what I've become.  I've hid it and run from it , refusing to face it. Relationships are impossible for me. When I start letting people in, I sabotage it, and force them to leave me scattered in the winds of my own misery that YOU created for me.
I want an apology and acknowledgement that YOU did these things to me. Because most of all, I want to forgive you , so that I can move beyond this prison of self hate and belief that it was my fault at 4, 8, 12 and any other ages I may have wiped from my memory. I just don't want to be alone in the dark anymore with the monsters in the darkest shadows waiting to strike  and steal any more from me. Even after all these years, I am AFRAID that each of you are coming back . So I just lie down and take it so that at least it would be on my terms now . Which just perpetuates that I do not matter now either. 
My children suffer, my husband suffers, my would be friends suffer, because each and every single one of you has taken what rightfully belongs to them. You have stolen not only my security and safety and love and trust and innocence, but you have all taken from these people you didn't even know.
I think you are scum and I used to wish you horrible deaths.  Some of you I have come to care less what happens to you. One I hate with a passion that burns my soul. One I forgive, He had the courage to tell me he was deeply sorry for what he did and all I had been through.
I don't like that because of all that has gone on, I saw myself as a victim. I despise the fact that I am so angry at God that I wonder what I did to be punished so, so angry at him I am deeply alone from him.  I am angry that I have allowed myself to dwell in fear and live in a closet because of the past. I am so stuck in my ways that the possibility of release from this hell (that I have created because of all of you) is a physically painful idea. I will be exposed, the world will see I am dirty and unlovable/ unable to love.

But today, I want to tell you all to go to hell and stop ruining my future!
The innocent

thinking reflective thoughts

I am having some difficulties expressing myself outside of word.  Being truly me.  I come off as a fake and fraud. This pushes people I love away from me.  Its a really lonely feeling.

I am a lost and lonely human
longing for the miracles of change
that I lack the courage
to grab hold of .
a leaf blowing on currents of wind
emotional and irrational
logic does not dwell in my being
longing for connections
deeper than the mask I present


I'm wishing I didn't continue to hurt the people I love with my insecurities.  and I'm wishing that I didn't feel the  need to sabotage when things are going well and that I could check my thoughts against reality with out having someone walk me through it.  That I had better control over my emotions and fears,  I wish I could not care what people thought of me so that I could allow people access to who I am. because the hiding of myself I tearing me apart and I'm losing my grip of self.