The other day I was going through a few more boxes and came across an old paper journal ( a few of them actually). I ripped quite a lot of things out of the one I speak of. It felt cathartic to rid myself of that old rubbish. I refuse however to remove any of my poetry.
If you ever want to know anything about what I am going through at any point in my life, simply cast thine eyes upon the words that spill to the pages of trees that I bleed ink into. Poetry, writing and words give me a lot of relief of any pain that I have experienced in my life. I express joy and love even lust. Its how I deal with emotions and situations.
Anyway I stray from my point of my post. I found a poem that I had written based on a comment of somewhat degrading sentiments of women. I wish I could remember the comment that triggered my poem. but I decided to post it and see if others may have some suggestions to make it better or more clear.
Fairy Tales and White Lies
If you don't believe
than why should I
there are no happy
endings
Its all fairy tales
and white lies
Hurt to the bone
contusions
deep upon my soul.
Its an open ended
Illusion
meant to keep
all my gruesome
disillusions
what were we thinking
Happy Ever After
never existed
Fairytales
and white lies.
A little girl's
Dreams
Woman Realities
there is no joy
just the burdens on
my chest.
You don't believe
why should I
Happy endings
don't exist
No knights in shinning armour
No rescues in store
Don't get your hopes up
Keep them down
grounded,
grounded
'cuz the
grass aint any
greener
Just a darker shade
of brown
on the other side.
~~~~
Just so it is known, I don't feel this way anymore. I was putting myself in the shoes of others who may really believe this. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when I want to believe there aren't any happy endings.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
ghosts that haunt inside
Yesterday was a bad day emotionally. I was self depreciating and had a hard time battling the inner self that I am NOT a failure and a waste of human flesh. I cried , mostly inwardly, but I cried. It didn't feel like a good relief giving cry. There still seems to be a lot of pent up stress and frustration and fear for the future.
I know in my heart that I am not a waste of a human being and though I may fail, that does NOT make me a failure. I just wish my head would get it together and get in tune with the heart. ( when I say heart I really mean my soul).
It seems that 2010 has been the year of the mantra of:
Jer 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you a hope and a future".
I repeat that to myself often to keep focus that MY plans really mean nothing in the grand scheme of life because I am here to serve a higher purpose. A purpose of a great and wonderful Abba. But I am human and completely imperfect and I allow doubt to creep in and tell me the bad horrible things that it tells me. I think this happens so that I will fall on my knees and look UP for help instead of looking in.
I just wish that God would grant me a reprieve from this inner battle for a while and help me see all the time that I am His precious being , Loved and unalone. That he carries me and holds me and that its all under his control.
I know in my heart that I am not a waste of a human being and though I may fail, that does NOT make me a failure. I just wish my head would get it together and get in tune with the heart. ( when I say heart I really mean my soul).
It seems that 2010 has been the year of the mantra of:
Jer 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you a hope and a future".
I repeat that to myself often to keep focus that MY plans really mean nothing in the grand scheme of life because I am here to serve a higher purpose. A purpose of a great and wonderful Abba. But I am human and completely imperfect and I allow doubt to creep in and tell me the bad horrible things that it tells me. I think this happens so that I will fall on my knees and look UP for help instead of looking in.
I just wish that God would grant me a reprieve from this inner battle for a while and help me see all the time that I am His precious being , Loved and unalone. That he carries me and holds me and that its all under his control.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
a day of goofiness and fun
Pictures from the other day when we had a day of silliness.
my five loves
me and the four loves
complete silliness
stair steps take one
stair steps take two
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Peace on Earth and Good will To ALL!!
What a wonderful day! God is good! We had snow yesterday. I think it snowed sporatically all day. It was a lovely scene. I wish I had taken pictures, but I didn't. It's ok though because I have the pictures in my head and in my heart.
Today we all slept in and then we played soccer in the snow and ended with a wonderful family snowball fight. It was the perfect kind of snow. Wet enough to form snow balls and dry enough that they didn't turn to ice balls. Now we are relaxing and watching Christmas movies.
We took a bunch of gooftastic pictures when we came in tho. The Husband has the memory card and is loading them onto his lap top and then I'll load them on mine and share them. It was a fun day. Now we ( the kids and I) are house sitting and waiting for the Husband to get here so that I can cook some delicious dinner that isn't most folks typical Christmas dinner.
I have been paroosing the want ads via the internet and came across a thing about earning money by blogging. Its on hub pages and through something called AdSense or something like that. It makes me wonder if I have enough to write about to do that. I don't get a lot of traffic here but then again , I really don't blog here to get traffic. I mostly just blog to get whatever is inside out. I love to write and I am not sure I write anything worthy of getting paid. I don't. Just something I was thinking of looking into.
I am still praying that God lead me to the right career path. The place that he has in mind for me. I know he wants me to do something in the field of caring for others. I believe he wants me to be a nurse or something like that. I just haven't seen how he has that provided tho I know he has :) .
Just some thoughts in a positive mind.
Be blessed and a blessing to someone else
Today we all slept in and then we played soccer in the snow and ended with a wonderful family snowball fight. It was the perfect kind of snow. Wet enough to form snow balls and dry enough that they didn't turn to ice balls. Now we are relaxing and watching Christmas movies.
We took a bunch of gooftastic pictures when we came in tho. The Husband has the memory card and is loading them onto his lap top and then I'll load them on mine and share them. It was a fun day. Now we ( the kids and I) are house sitting and waiting for the Husband to get here so that I can cook some delicious dinner that isn't most folks typical Christmas dinner.
I have been paroosing the want ads via the internet and came across a thing about earning money by blogging. Its on hub pages and through something called AdSense or something like that. It makes me wonder if I have enough to write about to do that. I don't get a lot of traffic here but then again , I really don't blog here to get traffic. I mostly just blog to get whatever is inside out. I love to write and I am not sure I write anything worthy of getting paid. I don't. Just something I was thinking of looking into.
I am still praying that God lead me to the right career path. The place that he has in mind for me. I know he wants me to do something in the field of caring for others. I believe he wants me to be a nurse or something like that. I just haven't seen how he has that provided tho I know he has :) .
Just some thoughts in a positive mind.
Be blessed and a blessing to someone else
Thursday, December 23, 2010
random leakage from a rusted out brain
perpetual wisdom and a truth about me
im lonely and floundering in
a world not my home
surrounded by fish
wishing to swallow me whole
im a barnacle on the bottom
of a dredging ship
making way for those
that come after me.
I don't know them
neither do they me
I am an invisible guide
not often thought about
if ever at all
but making way
for unknowing souls is what i do
Carry the burdens
of a black spot
on a pumping beating heart
long ago broken and cracked.
im lonely and floundering in
a world not my home
surrounded by fish
wishing to swallow me whole
im a barnacle on the bottom
of a dredging ship
making way for those
that come after me.
I don't know them
neither do they me
I am an invisible guide
not often thought about
if ever at all
but making way
for unknowing souls is what i do
Carry the burdens
of a black spot
on a pumping beating heart
long ago broken and cracked.
sometime in 2005 A poem found
Sparkles in the eyes that seep
sadness drown in the loneliness
of a heart lost at sea
tossing on the waves
searching
for the comfort of home
in a soul long lost
in the memory of a mind
depleted
yet their story rolls on the fields
of their seed~
I wrote this the first time I had to deal with my husband being gone for a military deployment. Not really sure what it means or what it meant other than I was dealing with loneliness. I think I am a lonely person. I hate being by myself because I feel alone. I think that has a lot to do with growing up with alcoholic parents that were often absent.
sadness drown in the loneliness
of a heart lost at sea
tossing on the waves
searching
for the comfort of home
in a soul long lost
in the memory of a mind
depleted
yet their story rolls on the fields
of their seed~
I wrote this the first time I had to deal with my husband being gone for a military deployment. Not really sure what it means or what it meant other than I was dealing with loneliness. I think I am a lonely person. I hate being by myself because I feel alone. I think that has a lot to do with growing up with alcoholic parents that were often absent.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Another one Bites the dust
So it happened today. The axe hit and I feel so much relief and glad to not have to worry about being fired. The saying there is a first for everything is true, and this was deffinately a day for that first. I don't want to say anything else negative about my FORMER boss but that I am glad I can say former instead of boss.
I am def. going to miss some of the customers but such is life I guess. On to new and brighter things.
I will admit I haven't dealt with all the emotions that are running around inside. I am just allowing myself to feel all of them. The most obvious is relief but I wont lie about not being slightly pissed off that he waited until an hour before the shift ended or that he just didn't do it on Saturday. I am also sad that I can say I have been fired. But it was a learning experience and an oprotunity to learn about myself. I learned that I am not a quitter! I don't always have to do what everyone wants me to do if I don't think it's right for me. I can stand up for myself and be fired with grace and gratitude. This job allowed me to see that I can look confrontation in the face and keep my head held high.
God is good and he always provides for his children. I am glad to be one of them.
I am def. going to miss some of the customers but such is life I guess. On to new and brighter things.
I will admit I haven't dealt with all the emotions that are running around inside. I am just allowing myself to feel all of them. The most obvious is relief but I wont lie about not being slightly pissed off that he waited until an hour before the shift ended or that he just didn't do it on Saturday. I am also sad that I can say I have been fired. But it was a learning experience and an oprotunity to learn about myself. I learned that I am not a quitter! I don't always have to do what everyone wants me to do if I don't think it's right for me. I can stand up for myself and be fired with grace and gratitude. This job allowed me to see that I can look confrontation in the face and keep my head held high.
God is good and he always provides for his children. I am glad to be one of them.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Random Artsie Pictures
Been trying to take some artsie type pictures and felt like sharing some of them.
Again I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to upload how i had them on the computer. grr. but I like the way the pictures look. especially the spooky winter night one
this is a pretty cool plant at work. but i can't figure out how to turn the pictures
The Christmas tree at work that no longer looks sad
Yay me
Just loved how the bank looked through the blinds
This is out the window Wednesday night with the lights out.
I love how spooky it looks
Same window with the flash on.
Again I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to upload how i had them on the computer. grr. but I like the way the pictures look. especially the spooky winter night one
black spores of death
so the appartment the man rented at first seemed quaint and cute. Little did we know that when the winter cold would set in we would be battling with crap tastic windows that leak air and moister. The crap windows also give us the problem of black mold.
YEP its all over most of the window sills and spreading down the wall where our bed was. I had to rearrange the room so that the stupid death spores wouldn't affect us too much while we slept waiting for the fix it guys from the management property.
The black spores of death also could be the contributing factor in the rise in asthma attacks and the nastastic eye infection that the bear has. Yes its a nasty nastastic infection; her eye is leaking this super gross green crap that pneumonia patients cough up, as well as looking like some mean jerk jabbed her in the eye. Poor kid.
I also made the mistake of watching Hoarders on netflix. I hate clutter but am an easy contributor to its collection. We still have many boxes to unpack from finally getting out stuff from storage after leaving the Army. Having a living room that has a tiny walk area and a space cleared out for the t.v. is really starting to make me feel like a hoarder myself. Can't forget to mention that we have quiet a few bags to take to good will or salvation army. The whole process of moving makes me want to get rid of everything and start fresh with NOTHING! Alas, I know that wont stop the process of accumulation. Guess it's just time to get off our duffs and go through crap and purge what we dont' want, need or will never miss.
Anyone need a bunch of boys clothes ranging in size 8 to 12? Or does anyone one know of a place that will come pick it up in the greater STL area?
YEP its all over most of the window sills and spreading down the wall where our bed was. I had to rearrange the room so that the stupid death spores wouldn't affect us too much while we slept waiting for the fix it guys from the management property.
The black spores of death also could be the contributing factor in the rise in asthma attacks and the nastastic eye infection that the bear has. Yes its a nasty nastastic infection; her eye is leaking this super gross green crap that pneumonia patients cough up, as well as looking like some mean jerk jabbed her in the eye. Poor kid.
I also made the mistake of watching Hoarders on netflix. I hate clutter but am an easy contributor to its collection. We still have many boxes to unpack from finally getting out stuff from storage after leaving the Army. Having a living room that has a tiny walk area and a space cleared out for the t.v. is really starting to make me feel like a hoarder myself. Can't forget to mention that we have quiet a few bags to take to good will or salvation army. The whole process of moving makes me want to get rid of everything and start fresh with NOTHING! Alas, I know that wont stop the process of accumulation. Guess it's just time to get off our duffs and go through crap and purge what we dont' want, need or will never miss.
Anyone need a bunch of boys clothes ranging in size 8 to 12? Or does anyone one know of a place that will come pick it up in the greater STL area?
Friday, December 17, 2010
I have to remind myself
What is said in the bible.
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
I am starting to wonder if the plans I have for myself are not the plans He has for me like I thought they were. Or maybe it is just that now is not the time. Maybe even that I have to work on my faith that he will provide like my husband suggested.
Thing is I know with out any doubt that God is going to care of us. He always has. I don't believe that he would bring to this point in my life and just leave me floundering, He may make me wait but he wont hang me out to dry until all has been exhausted and he finds no room to love me. but as long as I keep trying and moving forward in faith and love then I can't foresee him casting me off. I am trying very hard to not be luke warm and a bad taste in his mouth.
I just need a glass of water from his never flowing fountain to fill me up and quench my thirst and self doubt. I good long hug would be awesome too. I still feel the great need to cry but am trying soo hard not to. I don't want to be that weak. But maybe if I allowed myself the cry I would feel better and the weight and disappointment would fade away and I could move onto another thought train. currently I feel strapped to the tracks waiting for a rescue or a disaster.
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
I am starting to wonder if the plans I have for myself are not the plans He has for me like I thought they were. Or maybe it is just that now is not the time. Maybe even that I have to work on my faith that he will provide like my husband suggested.
Thing is I know with out any doubt that God is going to care of us. He always has. I don't believe that he would bring to this point in my life and just leave me floundering, He may make me wait but he wont hang me out to dry until all has been exhausted and he finds no room to love me. but as long as I keep trying and moving forward in faith and love then I can't foresee him casting me off. I am trying very hard to not be luke warm and a bad taste in his mouth.
I just need a glass of water from his never flowing fountain to fill me up and quench my thirst and self doubt. I good long hug would be awesome too. I still feel the great need to cry but am trying soo hard not to. I don't want to be that weak. But maybe if I allowed myself the cry I would feel better and the weight and disappointment would fade away and I could move onto another thought train. currently I feel strapped to the tracks waiting for a rescue or a disaster.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
deflated
it didn't go at all like i wanted to today. they didn't have the jobs i would take. and tried to bully me into taking something I KNEW would leave me misserable for 4-6 years.
I know everything happens in the times it is supposed to. HOWEVER that does not in anyway take away the deflated feeling, the frustration and the need to have a good cry from all the stress of standing my ground. I have refused to let myself cry because I dont' want to give them the satisfaction of making me a little girl ( even if that is what I am emotionally right now).
I sought wise councle and I almost didnt' listen to it. But in the end I did. I feel good for having done that but have a feeling maybe I should have just picked a job.
I am in serious need of a shower a back massage and a good nights sleep.
I really dont' want to return to Master Cleaners tomorrow.
I know everything happens in the times it is supposed to. HOWEVER that does not in anyway take away the deflated feeling, the frustration and the need to have a good cry from all the stress of standing my ground. I have refused to let myself cry because I dont' want to give them the satisfaction of making me a little girl ( even if that is what I am emotionally right now).
I sought wise councle and I almost didnt' listen to it. But in the end I did. I feel good for having done that but have a feeling maybe I should have just picked a job.
I am in serious need of a shower a back massage and a good nights sleep.
I really dont' want to return to Master Cleaners tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
it was a rough day
I am starting to feel a bit persecuted by my boss. It feels that no matter what I do, I am just not good enough, I always seem to do things wrong. If my coworker hadn't told my boss I was having a rough day with some personal issues, I would have been fired. I am very tired of being threatend with being fired. I want to just say, " Mr. C, this isn't working, this job just isn't the place for me, but I so appreciate that you gave me a job and allowed me to gain experience."
I know that it is simply my emotions talking. I am grateful to my friends that keep reminding me that this too shall pass and everything happens when it is supposed to. I am grateful that God is bigger than I am and its all in His hands and not my own. Had all this been in my own hands, I would have used choice words and told the dude where to stick his job. I would be gearing up for boot camp NEXT month instead of whenever I get on Thursday.
More than anything, I am so grateful that God gave me a husband that knows what I am going through with reguards to joining up. He keeps having to remind me that he too had to deal with the hoop jumping and that just whenyou think its done and you are ready to go, something else jumps in and says "OH NO YOU DON'T". He has been so supportive of me doing this, often times pushing me to do this so I can achieve my goals of being in the health industry, to taking care of those that need me and teaching my daughters that its ok to be a mom and a professional and to reach for your dreams. My husband knows what I am capable of and he knows that I often lack the self esteme to go out and get what it is that I need. He has seen me fight through the I can'ts and the I am going to fail and he has seen me in action of times of stress pick up our family by the scruff of our pants and get us back on track. Just as I have seen him.
God has truly blessed me in this life and I deeply wish to do well by that and give to him by giving to others even the slightest of what He has given to me.
I know that it is simply my emotions talking. I am grateful to my friends that keep reminding me that this too shall pass and everything happens when it is supposed to. I am grateful that God is bigger than I am and its all in His hands and not my own. Had all this been in my own hands, I would have used choice words and told the dude where to stick his job. I would be gearing up for boot camp NEXT month instead of whenever I get on Thursday.
More than anything, I am so grateful that God gave me a husband that knows what I am going through with reguards to joining up. He keeps having to remind me that he too had to deal with the hoop jumping and that just whenyou think its done and you are ready to go, something else jumps in and says "OH NO YOU DON'T". He has been so supportive of me doing this, often times pushing me to do this so I can achieve my goals of being in the health industry, to taking care of those that need me and teaching my daughters that its ok to be a mom and a professional and to reach for your dreams. My husband knows what I am capable of and he knows that I often lack the self esteme to go out and get what it is that I need. He has seen me fight through the I can'ts and the I am going to fail and he has seen me in action of times of stress pick up our family by the scruff of our pants and get us back on track. Just as I have seen him.
God has truly blessed me in this life and I deeply wish to do well by that and give to him by giving to others even the slightest of what He has given to me.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Oh What fun it is...
to get the date to go and pick my mos and sign a contract to become an American Soldier. I am so excited. It didn't start off to be a wonderful day, ( no I wont go into details so pls don't ask ). But my God took care to answer my prayers and hold me in his hand. I am soo excited and I cannot wait to have a date for boot camp.
Having a date will deff. help me get into the right mind frame of getting to PT ready condition. I am hoping for a March ship date. I am kind of hoping that I get to do boot camp in F.t. Leonard Wood. That place is beautiful in the spring and I'll be leaving before it gets too hot.
I hope that I can maintain a strong relationship or even develope a better one with God and my family while I go through this journey. I hope to come out a stronger woman that is more sure of herself and what is right and wrong. I want to be a woman my girls can look upto and want to be like. I want to be the woman my boys base their future relationships off of. I want to be the wife that can look at her husband and trully say, "I understand you more" or " I get what you are saying but I am not ok with that or this is what I think."
I am so excited for the future. The year is fast coming to a close and is ending on an up note. The new year is blowing in and blowing hope right in too.
Having a date will deff. help me get into the right mind frame of getting to PT ready condition. I am hoping for a March ship date. I am kind of hoping that I get to do boot camp in F.t. Leonard Wood. That place is beautiful in the spring and I'll be leaving before it gets too hot.
I hope that I can maintain a strong relationship or even develope a better one with God and my family while I go through this journey. I hope to come out a stronger woman that is more sure of herself and what is right and wrong. I want to be a woman my girls can look upto and want to be like. I want to be the woman my boys base their future relationships off of. I want to be the wife that can look at her husband and trully say, "I understand you more" or " I get what you are saying but I am not ok with that or this is what I think."
I am so excited for the future. The year is fast coming to a close and is ending on an up note. The new year is blowing in and blowing hope right in too.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
snow soccer
we played soccer today. Let me just say it was 19 degrees while we were playing. OH YEAH it was snowing a bit and the wind was blowing and there was already last nights snow on the ground.
I HATE COLD!!! I had fun playing but still my toes hurt. the girls didn't so much like being cold either. When we got in there hands were bright red and they were crying. I felt like a horrible mommy for allowing my husband to talk us into playing in such arctic conditions. But we need to keep active, for my sake.
Any way my blog friend created a blog about facts of himself and it leads me to want to do this for myself.
so how brutally honest should I be?... Hrm maybe just some little facts and if ya wanna know more I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.
1. I married my high school sweetheart nearly 13 years ago.
2. I am the mother of 4 awesome kids and people ask if I am my oldest son's sister.
3. I am joining the Army. I want to serve my country.
4. I want to be a nurse
5. It's easy to lose my identity when I am always trying to please and take care of everyone else.
6. I am the product of two alcoholics and am afraid I'll turn out just like them one day.
7. I want to have a ranch and open a No Kill Animal Shelter
8. I am still friends with my very first best friend from first grade.
9. My brother was engaged to my current best friend. and I am glad they didn't get married.
10. I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up but I like the idea of being a nurse
I HATE COLD!!! I had fun playing but still my toes hurt. the girls didn't so much like being cold either. When we got in there hands were bright red and they were crying. I felt like a horrible mommy for allowing my husband to talk us into playing in such arctic conditions. But we need to keep active, for my sake.
Any way my blog friend created a blog about facts of himself and it leads me to want to do this for myself.
so how brutally honest should I be?... Hrm maybe just some little facts and if ya wanna know more I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.
1. I married my high school sweetheart nearly 13 years ago.
2. I am the mother of 4 awesome kids and people ask if I am my oldest son's sister.
3. I am joining the Army. I want to serve my country.
4. I want to be a nurse
5. It's easy to lose my identity when I am always trying to please and take care of everyone else.
6. I am the product of two alcoholics and am afraid I'll turn out just like them one day.
7. I want to have a ranch and open a No Kill Animal Shelter
8. I am still friends with my very first best friend from first grade.
9. My brother was engaged to my current best friend. and I am glad they didn't get married.
10. I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up but I like the idea of being a nurse
Friday, December 10, 2010
poor little tree
The Christmas tree was put up at work last night. I was actually surprised to see it when I came in. Its an almost sad sight to see. ( i'll show in a few).
It is a brilliant green with two different golden tinsle trims on it. An angle holds two candles at the top and it was strung with what could have been very beautiful twinkling lights. Only the bottom of the tree is lit up and twinkle pretty. The person who put the poor tree together did what they could, but this tree has a large section of ... well lets just say you can see the bar down the center that lets the wold know its not a real ever green tree.
The thing with the lights tho, that s bothersome. who wants to see a tree with only the very bottom lit up. It has no bows or ornaments on it. It is a work not yet finished, rushed to be put together to not seem a scrouge runs this place. I am now tempted to go out and buy ornaments to decorate it with. This is my work and not my home! I have to remind myself that it isn't my job to spend my own money on the store to make that tree look less sad.
Yes this tree is sad. It leans a little to the left in a moping kind of fashion. The angle sits atop in her special place looking as tho if the wind should blow she will tople to the ground and break.
That would not be a good thing. It would just be one more thing for the propriator of the store to yell at his lowly servants about.
But my heart says to cheer up this false ever green tree. how to do that tho with out breaking my own bank or ruining the thing?
our sad little friend
It is a brilliant green with two different golden tinsle trims on it. An angle holds two candles at the top and it was strung with what could have been very beautiful twinkling lights. Only the bottom of the tree is lit up and twinkle pretty. The person who put the poor tree together did what they could, but this tree has a large section of ... well lets just say you can see the bar down the center that lets the wold know its not a real ever green tree.
The thing with the lights tho, that s bothersome. who wants to see a tree with only the very bottom lit up. It has no bows or ornaments on it. It is a work not yet finished, rushed to be put together to not seem a scrouge runs this place. I am now tempted to go out and buy ornaments to decorate it with. This is my work and not my home! I have to remind myself that it isn't my job to spend my own money on the store to make that tree look less sad.
Yes this tree is sad. It leans a little to the left in a moping kind of fashion. The angle sits atop in her special place looking as tho if the wind should blow she will tople to the ground and break.
That would not be a good thing. It would just be one more thing for the propriator of the store to yell at his lowly servants about.
But my heart says to cheer up this false ever green tree. how to do that tho with out breaking my own bank or ruining the thing?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
just a few things
it felt really good to vent yesterday, i feel better i even talked and got it all sorted out.
second, if you see any movie please please see Love and Other Drugs. it was an awesome moving movie. It touched a few chords. My aunt had pd. and this movie was a little hard to handle. it was hilarious and at points extremely uncomfortable. I cannot express what its like to love someone you see become unable to do things for themself. My aunt was an amazing woman, strong and smart a hard worker that loved to cook and craft and be a ranchers wife. I miss her.
and on to something else good.. my feet are finally warm. I think it may be a miracle.
also im gonna send my mama some flowers. but i don't understand why it would cost 20 dollars just for a delivery fee. might have to ask my brother if i send him 40 bucks if he will go and get her some pretty flowers from the local florist.
second, if you see any movie please please see Love and Other Drugs. it was an awesome moving movie. It touched a few chords. My aunt had pd. and this movie was a little hard to handle. it was hilarious and at points extremely uncomfortable. I cannot express what its like to love someone you see become unable to do things for themself. My aunt was an amazing woman, strong and smart a hard worker that loved to cook and craft and be a ranchers wife. I miss her.
and on to something else good.. my feet are finally warm. I think it may be a miracle.
also im gonna send my mama some flowers. but i don't understand why it would cost 20 dollars just for a delivery fee. might have to ask my brother if i send him 40 bucks if he will go and get her some pretty flowers from the local florist.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
stuck in the middle of a mind rant
oh how sick i am of being in the middle. when she wants something and its been told that it isn't happening right now, she goes around him and comes to me as if i am not going to know that he wants stuff a certain way. esp. at his house. this isn't my house my name isn't on the lease and why push him when he has already told her he wants boundries and she keeps skipping over them. and then get up set at me when i suggest she ask him. granted he is my husband and this is my family but stop for the love of everything green putting me in a position that no matter what i do some one is going to be mad at me. and why on earth would i want HIM to be the one mad at me? He is the one i am trying to FIX my relationship with.
( tense shift. third is so hard for me so please note the you is not really you unless its you)
how do i go about being blunt and saying i know you love my kids but they are just that MINE and HIS not yours you can't treat them like they are yours. i know the situation is totally screwed right now and i technically live at your house because im not on the lease here but that doesn't make it ok. and then to tell me i use you. totally not true and yes i spend most days ( if you count three hours after work a day) here , but that is because my kids are here. and if i were using you, i wouldn't hang out with you, i wouldn't see if you need anything when im on the way to your house or if i am at the store.
wanna talk about being used, im being used to glean information and so you can feel like you have kids. that doesn't make me feel at all good to even think. besides did you tell me that i was the one the back burner because he was your friend?
i am feeling very negative and frustrated and i want to just go over and get all my stuff and live in a box than have to deal with this crap. i am 31 years old and i want to run away. running away is for teenagers. yet the drama that is circulating again ( after only a friggin week of yall talking again) is making me feel like im a teen ager in high school again.
lord please help me handle this in the right way that would show your glory because if i handle it my way it wont go well for anyone. and please let me go to boot camp already so i can have all of it stop for everyone involved.
( tense shift. third is so hard for me so please note the you is not really you unless its you)
how do i go about being blunt and saying i know you love my kids but they are just that MINE and HIS not yours you can't treat them like they are yours. i know the situation is totally screwed right now and i technically live at your house because im not on the lease here but that doesn't make it ok. and then to tell me i use you. totally not true and yes i spend most days ( if you count three hours after work a day) here , but that is because my kids are here. and if i were using you, i wouldn't hang out with you, i wouldn't see if you need anything when im on the way to your house or if i am at the store.
wanna talk about being used, im being used to glean information and so you can feel like you have kids. that doesn't make me feel at all good to even think. besides did you tell me that i was the one the back burner because he was your friend?
i am feeling very negative and frustrated and i want to just go over and get all my stuff and live in a box than have to deal with this crap. i am 31 years old and i want to run away. running away is for teenagers. yet the drama that is circulating again ( after only a friggin week of yall talking again) is making me feel like im a teen ager in high school again.
lord please help me handle this in the right way that would show your glory because if i handle it my way it wont go well for anyone. and please let me go to boot camp already so i can have all of it stop for everyone involved.
hiding undercover of quilts
i woke up and i simply want to go back to bed. i feel gross. got to work this am and seriously feel my stomache turning. i have that i know im gonna spew feeling at the base of my throaat. i don't know why i have this feeling i just do. its not good for me. i don't wanna get sick. and now because i feel so ... ick... i wonder if i should have followed the docs advice and gotten a flu shot. i have only ever had one flu shot and got the flu so much worse than had i gotten the flu normally, so i swore off the shots.
i pray that work today treats me kindly so that if i do have to relieve my gut via the opening i use to fill it, it wont be such a big deal. ( just re reading what i have written, wow that sounds nasty). mostly i want to stay under the covers and sleep until it is time for me to wake up naturally. i know, i know we don't always get to do the things we want to do, but i am allowed to dream and wish upon unseen starts.
so the temperature in this place always feels like its resting at 42 degrees even when the little extra spaace heater is blowing full force at my legs under the table. think it would be totally rediculous for me to wear my fuzzy warm gloves all day? hrm something to ponder on.
so for now i leave you beautiful souls that come across my random ramblings with a picture of the clothes rack. have a beautifully joyous and blessed day.
i pray that work today treats me kindly so that if i do have to relieve my gut via the opening i use to fill it, it wont be such a big deal. ( just re reading what i have written, wow that sounds nasty). mostly i want to stay under the covers and sleep until it is time for me to wake up naturally. i know, i know we don't always get to do the things we want to do, but i am allowed to dream and wish upon unseen starts.
so the temperature in this place always feels like its resting at 42 degrees even when the little extra spaace heater is blowing full force at my legs under the table. think it would be totally rediculous for me to wear my fuzzy warm gloves all day? hrm something to ponder on.
so for now i leave you beautiful souls that come across my random ramblings with a picture of the clothes rack. have a beautifully joyous and blessed day.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
pondering on the heat of things
so is it too much to ask that i be warm? this year the cold is a bitter biter that leaves me feeling raw and pained. im at work ( yes i have a lot of down time here) and im wearing wool socks but my feet are still cold. OH let me not forget to mention that i have a space heater on full blast infront of my toes too. im wearing an undershirt a wool turtle neck sweater and an Army sweat shirt and I still feel the cold sinking its teeth into my glow in the dark skin. At this point I am seriously hoping boot camp ins in Fort Jackson. Oh how I dream of the heat and humidity. Knowing my luck, I'll get stuck at Fort Leonard Wood for boot camp. It has its pros tho. I know for certain I will not be lonely at graduation.
I never in a million years thought I would ever say this but. DANG if I don't miss the mosquitos. Mosquitos mean warmth and sunshiny days and fire flies and no mean bitter biting cold. Mosquitos mean that I can sleep with out ten million blankets on top of me. The sadness is , that the cold season has only JUST begun and that means it is only going to get worse before it gets better. Lord be with me and give me wamth in the days ahead. I am afraid I may freeze todeath.
I never in a million years thought I would ever say this but. DANG if I don't miss the mosquitos. Mosquitos mean warmth and sunshiny days and fire flies and no mean bitter biting cold. Mosquitos mean that I can sleep with out ten million blankets on top of me. The sadness is , that the cold season has only JUST begun and that means it is only going to get worse before it gets better. Lord be with me and give me wamth in the days ahead. I am afraid I may freeze todeath.
Monday, December 6, 2010
descriptions amidst the fog
I was reading the blog of a friend of a friend today and was blown away by his account of the goings on in his life. He used images, I mean words, in a way that made me feel like I was there. I could see the way he looked up at the sky and searched for the familiar shapes that make out the constilations with out the pollution of city lights.
I am reminded of the beauty of visiting my grandmother, aunt and uncle on their ranch in the summers. It was a place to get away from the chaos that was my home life and live the life of a rancher. We used to stand along the fense and wait for K.C., my uncles quarter horse to come along. She was a beautiful horse! The rusty red of her coat with the white star on her head between her eyes. Wild and free, never having been broken, she used to come to the fence and let us rub her and feed her sugar cubes and carrots. It used to be my dream to be the one to ride her first. She used to run along the fence in a race with my brother and I when we came to visit. It felt almost like she missed us while we were gone.
One of my favorite things to do at the ranch was to go for long walks in the pasture with my Aunt. She would teach us about the different types of plants that grew and she showed us how to dye wool with the indian paintbrushes that were wildly rampant. She used to have chickens and she taught me how to get the ges with out the hens going insane. You sneak your hand in ever so gently and scoop out the egg.
I was given a love of the land on that ranch. The wind would blow and howl right along with the cyotes in a song of happy loneliness and maybe even contentment. The way the sun would glitter in its wonderful brilliant shades to wake me up way before I ever wanted to get up.
My grandmother taught me how to crochet and do needle point in the evenings when I wasn't being a crazy little kid enjoying the lack of alcoholic parents. She sheilded us from the rages of fights that often occured at home by allowing us to stay with her at my Aunt and Uncles ranch.
I can still picture the tumble weeds dancing in their own way down the road to meet the mail person. and making "christmas trees" out of them.
The ranch has long gone passed hands from my uncle into who else knows. But its stuck in my heart and in my memories . Its there and when I think about it I feel a calm and smell the dusty earth and the many tulips and iris flowers that were planted in the garden. The taste of the sweet and juicy strawberries fill my mouth and make it water.
I am reminded of the beauty of visiting my grandmother, aunt and uncle on their ranch in the summers. It was a place to get away from the chaos that was my home life and live the life of a rancher. We used to stand along the fense and wait for K.C., my uncles quarter horse to come along. She was a beautiful horse! The rusty red of her coat with the white star on her head between her eyes. Wild and free, never having been broken, she used to come to the fence and let us rub her and feed her sugar cubes and carrots. It used to be my dream to be the one to ride her first. She used to run along the fence in a race with my brother and I when we came to visit. It felt almost like she missed us while we were gone.
One of my favorite things to do at the ranch was to go for long walks in the pasture with my Aunt. She would teach us about the different types of plants that grew and she showed us how to dye wool with the indian paintbrushes that were wildly rampant. She used to have chickens and she taught me how to get the ges with out the hens going insane. You sneak your hand in ever so gently and scoop out the egg.
I was given a love of the land on that ranch. The wind would blow and howl right along with the cyotes in a song of happy loneliness and maybe even contentment. The way the sun would glitter in its wonderful brilliant shades to wake me up way before I ever wanted to get up.
My grandmother taught me how to crochet and do needle point in the evenings when I wasn't being a crazy little kid enjoying the lack of alcoholic parents. She sheilded us from the rages of fights that often occured at home by allowing us to stay with her at my Aunt and Uncles ranch.
I can still picture the tumble weeds dancing in their own way down the road to meet the mail person. and making "christmas trees" out of them.
The ranch has long gone passed hands from my uncle into who else knows. But its stuck in my heart and in my memories . Its there and when I think about it I feel a calm and smell the dusty earth and the many tulips and iris flowers that were planted in the garden. The taste of the sweet and juicy strawberries fill my mouth and make it water.
symphonies of bodies mingling
i stand alone
in a crowded room
my thoughts drifting
on the notes of
voices unfamiliar
to untrained my ear.
standing in the corner
the passersby take no notice
of my illuminating eyes
they hear not the echos
of my tone of words
I am just a whisper
in the percussion of the drumming
symphonies of bodies mingling
at this soul sloshing mixer.
I am alone
in a crowded room
my thoughts drifting
on the notes of
voices unfamiliar
to untrained my ear.
standing in the corner
the passersby take no notice
of my illuminating eyes
they hear not the echos
of my tone of words
I am just a whisper
in the percussion of the drumming
symphonies of bodies mingling
at this soul sloshing mixer.
I am alone
Thursday, December 2, 2010
to wish upon a shooting star
I am thinking about things I would love love love to do.
I want to walk along the beach not at sunset but at dawn. I want to feel the sand slide through my toes as the waves pull it out to see. To watch the sky slowly lighten the night to day. The colors growing from cold dark of deep blue its almost black to the purple. I want to feel the oranges and reds and hot pinks slip into the warm melinan egniting yellow of an early summer day. To pick up the first sea shell I see and hold it tightly in my palm to remember the day's birth.
I haven't sat on the beach with a pad and a pen to write and listen to the waves sing lullabyes to a tormented soul since I was 17. I haven't hug a moat for the castle and my feet to trap the ocean with my children. We've never held hands and run to the waters of the Atlantic, not all four of them together at least.
I wonder what it is like to see the expressions on their faces as we tour another country and to see the grief of home too far away with its creature comforts that we have become so accustome to. I want to see the impact that another culture will have on the shaping of their future selves. I wonder about the appreciations they will have when they are grown with families of their own.
It's funny because I wonder what it iwll be like to live with my husband in a house void of children. Will we wish they were still small or will we rejoice at the freedom we will have.
The thing i wish for the most is to beable to look back at my life for contentment and joy.
I want to walk along the beach not at sunset but at dawn. I want to feel the sand slide through my toes as the waves pull it out to see. To watch the sky slowly lighten the night to day. The colors growing from cold dark of deep blue its almost black to the purple. I want to feel the oranges and reds and hot pinks slip into the warm melinan egniting yellow of an early summer day. To pick up the first sea shell I see and hold it tightly in my palm to remember the day's birth.
I haven't sat on the beach with a pad and a pen to write and listen to the waves sing lullabyes to a tormented soul since I was 17. I haven't hug a moat for the castle and my feet to trap the ocean with my children. We've never held hands and run to the waters of the Atlantic, not all four of them together at least.
I wonder what it is like to see the expressions on their faces as we tour another country and to see the grief of home too far away with its creature comforts that we have become so accustome to. I want to see the impact that another culture will have on the shaping of their future selves. I wonder about the appreciations they will have when they are grown with families of their own.
It's funny because I wonder what it iwll be like to live with my husband in a house void of children. Will we wish they were still small or will we rejoice at the freedom we will have.
The thing i wish for the most is to beable to look back at my life for contentment and joy.
because my Daddy sent this to me and it means a lot
Unless you are a military family you might not realize the sacrifice these men and women make and their families..Please read this and reflect especially at this time of year...Happy Thanksgiving!
The Sack Lunch
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a
good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled
all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a
conversation.
'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
we're being deployed to Afghanistan
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours
before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help
pass the time...
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he
planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a
sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we
get to base.'
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked
to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar
bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and
squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was
a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers
were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best
- beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from
first class.
'This is your thanks..'
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,
take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on
my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held
out his hand and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening
my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice
he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone
bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was
embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting
just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something
in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.
Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
to the base.
I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will
take you some time to reach the base.. It will be about time for a
sandwich.
God Bless You.'
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
fellow travelers.
As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe
return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could
only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to
and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
longer understand it.'
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy list....
I JUST DID
Let us pray...
Prayer chain for our Military... Don't break it!
Please send this on after a short prayer.. Prayer for our soldiers
Don't break it!
Prayer:
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they
protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they
perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'
Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say
a prayer for our troops around the world.
There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address
book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a
Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way,
prayer is the very best one.
The Sack Lunch
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a
good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled
all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a
conversation.
'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
we're being deployed to Afghanistan
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours
before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help
pass the time...
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he
planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a
sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we
get to base.'
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked
to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar
bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and
squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was
a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers
were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best
- beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from
first class.
'This is your thanks..'
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,
take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on
my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held
out his hand and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening
my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice
he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone
bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was
embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting
just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something
in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.
Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
to the base.
I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will
take you some time to reach the base.. It will be about time for a
sandwich.
God Bless You.'
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
fellow travelers.
As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe
return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could
only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to
and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
longer understand it.'
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy list....
I JUST DID
Let us pray...
Prayer chain for our Military... Don't break it!
Please send this on after a short prayer.. Prayer for our soldiers
Don't break it!
Prayer:
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they
protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they
perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'
Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say
a prayer for our troops around the world.
There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address
book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a
Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way,
prayer is the very best one.
In the Foot Hills of the Caucus Mountains
I am at work and I just spent and hour and 30 minutes stapling shoulder guards together. I caught a rhythm
fold fold fold fold tuck staple, fold fold fold fold tuch staple, fold fold fold fold tuck staple. Amazingly I happened to be mid tuck and staple when the bosses wife came in. She smiled at me. I must toss in that I was also watching Life on dvd amid the fold fold fold fold tuck staple. She smiled and I felt good. I was being productive with my time. She picked up the same day clothes for Mr. Leiber. ( He is the coolest Savant EvEver). She told me have a good day ane left.
I am taking a break from the folding tuck and stapling of the cardboard shoulder guards to spy into the life of people online. I am a voyuerist social extravert trapped in a job with not enough people to be extroverted with, so the spying into the lives of computer people helps me feel somewhat ... oh what is the word... alive I guess but that isn't quite right either. Anyway I ramble from the point of poetic drunkenness of my poest.
One of my long time friends is spending time in the Foot hills of the Caucus Mountains teaching English to a bunch of Georgian kids that don't really value the gift they are being given. She talks about the beauty of the country she is in and the experience of stepping in dung in panty hosed bare feet and being drunk on wine and gazing at the dark blue black sky speckled with glitter that are stars so many millions of miles away . She speaks in a poetic language that brings me to the place where she is and was and will soon leave. I see her lying in the yard in a hooded sweatshirt and the paws of a dog named Bobby resting on her arm as she is thinking of the beauty that she has been gifted to see and experience even if it doesn't turn out quite right, the way she imagined it would be.
She gets to pass down to her son the passing of her time there with stories of walking 30 minutes to a school through the thick mud in slip on shoes that get stuck only to end up crying becuase no one cared enough to show up to class not even thinking of the sacrifice she makes being there to teach them a new language.
She spoke of the chicken soup that was really pepper soup and I can taste the peppery chicken broth in my mouth and feel the warm liquid slide down to my belly and make me warm as I am sitting in this very cold ( to me anyway) processing center of Master Cleaners.
I am brought to a place of hope and encouragement that I will get to enjoy the beauty and even the devistation of the world that we were placed on. I'll one day get to lay at the base of some mountains and look up and say I got to do this here, where ever that Here is. I can say I got paid to watch movies and learn the secrets of strangers while I worked at a Dry Cleaners. I think in the last few days I have learned more about myself than I have in a long long time. I learned that just because something is not the way I want it to be doesn't mean that I , N. Lea have to run away from it. I can take with me that every time my boss has yelled at me and let me know he is disappointed in my performance , that I took what he said and I worked to change those things in myself to become a better worker, I , N. Lea, did NOT give up . I kept going. When I think of it like that, I can apply this to my life in all areas , the parts of motherhood that I struggle with and continue to try improving and the way I love my Husband and the way I continue to ask God to allow me a willing heart to be improved, always returning to him when I have turned away from him.
The other day I posted about how I feel defeated but I want to climb the bean stalk. My wonderful mentor Carol reminded me of the giant that waits. Today, I am not afraid of that giant that stands ready at the top of the Caucus Mountains Bean Stalk. I can look back and see that I have overcome so many things most people would have waived the white flag of surrender. I am not waiving that flag, there will be no mark of the beast on my flesh that says in the end I gave up.
Amber Gruszeczka hasn't given up, She too has reminded herself that she can say I did that in the Foot Hills of the Caucus Mountains and take the beauty with her when she returns home from teaching English in the Republic of Georgia.
fold fold fold fold tuck staple, fold fold fold fold tuch staple, fold fold fold fold tuck staple. Amazingly I happened to be mid tuck and staple when the bosses wife came in. She smiled at me. I must toss in that I was also watching Life on dvd amid the fold fold fold fold tuck staple. She smiled and I felt good. I was being productive with my time. She picked up the same day clothes for Mr. Leiber. ( He is the coolest Savant EvEver). She told me have a good day ane left.
I am taking a break from the folding tuck and stapling of the cardboard shoulder guards to spy into the life of people online. I am a voyuerist social extravert trapped in a job with not enough people to be extroverted with, so the spying into the lives of computer people helps me feel somewhat ... oh what is the word... alive I guess but that isn't quite right either. Anyway I ramble from the point of poetic drunkenness of my poest.
One of my long time friends is spending time in the Foot hills of the Caucus Mountains teaching English to a bunch of Georgian kids that don't really value the gift they are being given. She talks about the beauty of the country she is in and the experience of stepping in dung in panty hosed bare feet and being drunk on wine and gazing at the dark blue black sky speckled with glitter that are stars so many millions of miles away . She speaks in a poetic language that brings me to the place where she is and was and will soon leave. I see her lying in the yard in a hooded sweatshirt and the paws of a dog named Bobby resting on her arm as she is thinking of the beauty that she has been gifted to see and experience even if it doesn't turn out quite right, the way she imagined it would be.
She gets to pass down to her son the passing of her time there with stories of walking 30 minutes to a school through the thick mud in slip on shoes that get stuck only to end up crying becuase no one cared enough to show up to class not even thinking of the sacrifice she makes being there to teach them a new language.
She spoke of the chicken soup that was really pepper soup and I can taste the peppery chicken broth in my mouth and feel the warm liquid slide down to my belly and make me warm as I am sitting in this very cold ( to me anyway) processing center of Master Cleaners.
I am brought to a place of hope and encouragement that I will get to enjoy the beauty and even the devistation of the world that we were placed on. I'll one day get to lay at the base of some mountains and look up and say I got to do this here, where ever that Here is. I can say I got paid to watch movies and learn the secrets of strangers while I worked at a Dry Cleaners. I think in the last few days I have learned more about myself than I have in a long long time. I learned that just because something is not the way I want it to be doesn't mean that I , N. Lea have to run away from it. I can take with me that every time my boss has yelled at me and let me know he is disappointed in my performance , that I took what he said and I worked to change those things in myself to become a better worker, I , N. Lea, did NOT give up . I kept going. When I think of it like that, I can apply this to my life in all areas , the parts of motherhood that I struggle with and continue to try improving and the way I love my Husband and the way I continue to ask God to allow me a willing heart to be improved, always returning to him when I have turned away from him.
The other day I posted about how I feel defeated but I want to climb the bean stalk. My wonderful mentor Carol reminded me of the giant that waits. Today, I am not afraid of that giant that stands ready at the top of the Caucus Mountains Bean Stalk. I can look back and see that I have overcome so many things most people would have waived the white flag of surrender. I am not waiving that flag, there will be no mark of the beast on my flesh that says in the end I gave up.
Amber Gruszeczka hasn't given up, She too has reminded herself that she can say I did that in the Foot Hills of the Caucus Mountains and take the beauty with her when she returns home from teaching English in the Republic of Georgia.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)