its been six months or more since my last update, I am now an Army Combat Medic. I have gained some awesome experiences and am so much more grateful for the things in my life. God has truly blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve.
In January I head to a follow on school for the Army and will become a Licensed Practical Nurse and that will help me greatly in achieving my RN. I know that none of this could be possible with out the support of my family and God's awesome will.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
the timing
I can't help the counting of hours and seeing the tears that are welling and not being let to slip. She is 11 and full of emotions and they often conflict. I feel somewhat guilty at having to go away, but i know that i need to do this. I need to take care of me to be able to take care of her and her siblings to the best of my abilities. It is simply hard to have to leave them when I have been the constant for them. This will be good for me and it has been something I have wanted to do since I was 12. It is scary to realize a dream that has been long dreamed.
.
.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Time is a Bird
The feathers that make that ticking and tocking have grown and can not be trimmed back. 3 days left, well really its 2 days, and I start the process of meeting my dreams head on. I pray that I will be mentally steadfast and not give in. I pray also that God grants me the wisdom to know and do what is right the entire time I am away from my family.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
11 days and counting
Eager and apprehensive
I stop as I run
taking my eyes from the ribbon
from the race I am running
Over my shoulder
glance my eyes
They look on you
, my flaws
and my heart sings,
You have not won!
My portals peep
over my clavecal
to the four little heads
almost my height
I wish to grab a hold
to shrink you
place you in my pocket
carry you on my journey
It is not to be
My journey is for me
No growth will come
should you tag along .
My path before
I must tread alone
to come back stronger
,a conqueror of my fears,
A leader to my off shoots.
The pages of the year turn
a little too fast
I am eager and apprehensive
To be whom My God determined me to be.
I stop as I run
taking my eyes from the ribbon
from the race I am running
Over my shoulder
glance my eyes
They look on you
, my flaws
and my heart sings,
You have not won!
My portals peep
over my clavecal
to the four little heads
almost my height
I wish to grab a hold
to shrink you
place you in my pocket
carry you on my journey
It is not to be
My journey is for me
No growth will come
should you tag along .
My path before
I must tread alone
to come back stronger
,a conqueror of my fears,
A leader to my off shoots.
The pages of the year turn
a little too fast
I am eager and apprehensive
To be whom My God determined me to be.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Totally AWESOME DUDE
Today was magnificant. We went to the Gateway area Ms MudRun. Got totally dirty. 6.2 miles of running and muddy obsticals. It was so much fun and it was for such a great cause.
I have to say my fave parts were the rope wall climb. the 25 foot wall climb and the obsticals at the pond. We had to go through the storm drain under the street and then run 1/4 a mile to the pond where we had to jump in and go under a log and then swim to the other side and run to the next obsticle was to run across a bridge that was a bunch of wabbly wipe out type squares that were all wet. A and I jumped off at the end to just to get a refreshing swim.
I didn't not think it would be a bad idea to wear camo bdu's and combat boots. It was. Next year I'll wear spandex pants and tennis shoes. Every time we had to get wet, my pants would slosh and my shoes would squish. One of the team mates was calling me squishy. It was awesome tho.
At the end we had to jump off a plat form that was ten feet up into a pit that was 6 feet deep. That was the most mentally challenging for me as I HATE heights. then we had to swim through 25 yards of muddy water, climb a muddy hill and slide down a muddy slide into a muddy pit. It was so awesome. After that , we got hosed off by a fire truck and got free food and massages and a professional trainer stretched us out.
It was one of the most rewarding experieces of my life. We plan to do this every year. The best part for me was doing it with A. We worked as a team with our team members and the atmosphere was so encouraging and fun. How often do you get to randomly hug strangers and hear people cheer each other on?
It was awesome!
from front to back : Cindy, Ken, Me, Jared, Aaron. Team The Dutch Mudders!!!
I have to say my fave parts were the rope wall climb. the 25 foot wall climb and the obsticals at the pond. We had to go through the storm drain under the street and then run 1/4 a mile to the pond where we had to jump in and go under a log and then swim to the other side and run to the next obsticle was to run across a bridge that was a bunch of wabbly wipe out type squares that were all wet. A and I jumped off at the end to just to get a refreshing swim.
I didn't not think it would be a bad idea to wear camo bdu's and combat boots. It was. Next year I'll wear spandex pants and tennis shoes. Every time we had to get wet, my pants would slosh and my shoes would squish. One of the team mates was calling me squishy. It was awesome tho.
At the end we had to jump off a plat form that was ten feet up into a pit that was 6 feet deep. That was the most mentally challenging for me as I HATE heights. then we had to swim through 25 yards of muddy water, climb a muddy hill and slide down a muddy slide into a muddy pit. It was so awesome. After that , we got hosed off by a fire truck and got free food and massages and a professional trainer stretched us out.
It was one of the most rewarding experieces of my life. We plan to do this every year. The best part for me was doing it with A. We worked as a team with our team members and the atmosphere was so encouraging and fun. How often do you get to randomly hug strangers and hear people cheer each other on?
It was awesome!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
WOW life is throwing it at me
This has definitely been a week of total chaos and displacement. My mother went into the hospital on Monday for leg numbness. She has C.O.P.D. and has been dealing with lots of blockage in her leg. She had an angioplasty a couple of weeks ago and she had to have another one Monday. There was a lot of cellular waste build up and had to have a different surgery to put in a drainage tube to allow the waste to drain. She still may lose her leg.
To add to that worry, yesterday my father's roommate called me to let me know that he was taken to the e.r. for shortness of breath and trouble breathing. If you don't know my dad you wouldn't realize how big a deal this is as, he HATES going to the doctor. The doctors in the e.r. gave him a nebulizer treatment but that didn't help. He eventually stopped breathing. He is intibated and sedated.
When I called the ICU today they informed me that I am the point of contact and the one named as next of Kin to make decisions for my father's life. He will also be on the ventilator for at least 48 hours to see if his lungs will heal. I was also asked if Dad had any wishes with regards to resusitation. That was kind of hard to hear. I know Dad has always told me he doesn't want any extra ordinary measure taken to prolong his life because he believes that when it is his time to go, it is his time.
The doctor is going to be calling me sometime this evening or tomorrow to talk about all of this with me.
We know as adults that there will be a time when we are called upon to make these decisions for our parents but we never really expect it to happen. I really pray that God guides my brothers and sisters and I through these challenges with our parents. I pray that he gives us all peace and courage and strength to face them with honor and wisdom. I hope that we can see each one of these instances as a way to show how much our parents matter to us inspite of or despite all the trials and errors that we have gone through together.
I am very grateful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my father in 2009. I am more than deeply relieved that I made the decision to let go of all the animosity that was held up in my heart because now I can look back and see the good not just the bad.
I find the timing for both of my parents to take ill quite horrible as I leave in a month for basic training. I know that at least this is happening before I go. I know that I should expect, in the just incase instance, a phone call while I am gone giving me the dreaded news of the loss of one of my parents. I am just glad that I am able to prepare for that event should it happen and will be most relieved if I don't get that call for several more years. There are so many people that never get the chance to prepare because it is sudden or simply not soon enought to wrap their minds around what is happening.
To add to that worry, yesterday my father's roommate called me to let me know that he was taken to the e.r. for shortness of breath and trouble breathing. If you don't know my dad you wouldn't realize how big a deal this is as, he HATES going to the doctor. The doctors in the e.r. gave him a nebulizer treatment but that didn't help. He eventually stopped breathing. He is intibated and sedated.
When I called the ICU today they informed me that I am the point of contact and the one named as next of Kin to make decisions for my father's life. He will also be on the ventilator for at least 48 hours to see if his lungs will heal. I was also asked if Dad had any wishes with regards to resusitation. That was kind of hard to hear. I know Dad has always told me he doesn't want any extra ordinary measure taken to prolong his life because he believes that when it is his time to go, it is his time.
The doctor is going to be calling me sometime this evening or tomorrow to talk about all of this with me.
We know as adults that there will be a time when we are called upon to make these decisions for our parents but we never really expect it to happen. I really pray that God guides my brothers and sisters and I through these challenges with our parents. I pray that he gives us all peace and courage and strength to face them with honor and wisdom. I hope that we can see each one of these instances as a way to show how much our parents matter to us inspite of or despite all the trials and errors that we have gone through together.
I am very grateful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my father in 2009. I am more than deeply relieved that I made the decision to let go of all the animosity that was held up in my heart because now I can look back and see the good not just the bad.
I find the timing for both of my parents to take ill quite horrible as I leave in a month for basic training. I know that at least this is happening before I go. I know that I should expect, in the just incase instance, a phone call while I am gone giving me the dreaded news of the loss of one of my parents. I am just glad that I am able to prepare for that event should it happen and will be most relieved if I don't get that call for several more years. There are so many people that never get the chance to prepare because it is sudden or simply not soon enought to wrap their minds around what is happening.
Friday, April 29, 2011
I miss you
Been thinking about my grand mothers and my aunt lately as well as my best friends mama. These women all made a huge impact on my life. I learned something from each one of them and feel as though I lost them all way before I should have.
J.B. definitely feels this way about Ms. Hope. She was a great mother and just the same to all of her adopted kids too.
I miss the things we used to do and talk about. I always thought these women would be in my life forever, that they would be there to coach me through the rough days in my life with my kids, but they aren't and it makes me sad.
If only for one moment I could hug them all again and let them know how much they mean to me and how tightly I hold them dear to my heart.
J.B. definitely feels this way about Ms. Hope. She was a great mother and just the same to all of her adopted kids too.
I miss the things we used to do and talk about. I always thought these women would be in my life forever, that they would be there to coach me through the rough days in my life with my kids, but they aren't and it makes me sad.
If only for one moment I could hug them all again and let them know how much they mean to me and how tightly I hold them dear to my heart.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
been a minute or an hour
The realization that life is a roller coaster and I cannot allow the bad to out weigh the good.
I am soo looking forward to the future. I have 48 days until I start the journey of soldier. It is so awesome. I went to my first Reserve Drill week end. We got to take down a moble hospital tent called a temper tent.
Things are getting better at home.
God is taking control of my life and I am grateful that I have a God that loves me and forgives me and knew all the things I was and am going to do before I ever was even a thought in the world of humanity.
I am soo looking forward to the future. I have 48 days until I start the journey of soldier. It is so awesome. I went to my first Reserve Drill week end. We got to take down a moble hospital tent called a temper tent.
Things are getting better at home.
God is taking control of my life and I am grateful that I have a God that loves me and forgives me and knew all the things I was and am going to do before I ever was even a thought in the world of humanity.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
sigh
Had a much better evening than the afternoon. I took a moment or 20 to go and be by myself and let the Lord take my negative thoughts. Then the family went out to play. The weather was nice.
We played catch with the footballs and a couple really nice young boys that live a few doors down. After having played catch we had our family soccer game. It was the best effort the entire family put in. I feel so much more positive than I did about 3 and half hours ago.
I have to remember, I am a work in progress and there will be moments when, I simply am not where I need to be but I am working to get there. God is working on my heart and he is the healing physician that I need.
Just as he helped the lepers he will help me. He healed those that had faith enough to simply touch his robes with out ever having spoken to him. I may have half the faith of a mustard seed but the more I trust him , the more magic he can do.
Today is a new day and now is a new moment all so that I can do better than I have done.
We played catch with the footballs and a couple really nice young boys that live a few doors down. After having played catch we had our family soccer game. It was the best effort the entire family put in. I feel so much more positive than I did about 3 and half hours ago.
I have to remember, I am a work in progress and there will be moments when, I simply am not where I need to be but I am working to get there. God is working on my heart and he is the healing physician that I need.
Just as he helped the lepers he will help me. He healed those that had faith enough to simply touch his robes with out ever having spoken to him. I may have half the faith of a mustard seed but the more I trust him , the more magic he can do.
Today is a new day and now is a new moment all so that I can do better than I have done.
ug
there is this swelling pit of frustration and anger and jealousy that I cannot shake. I feel as though I am being eaten alive. I wish God would create an intervention of my thought and emotion and totally take them over. I want to cry but don't want anyone to see me and yet I don't want to be alone. I am so utterly confused and lost.
I want to punch something! I want to run away and I want to be found and told how much I am loved and missed. I want to scream so loud and hard I can't ever tell another lie or ever speak again.
I want to punch something! I want to run away and I want to be found and told how much I am loved and missed. I want to scream so loud and hard I can't ever tell another lie or ever speak again.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Truth in Romans
God lead me to read Romans today and I am already seeing examples of myself and what happened when I turned from loving God. It is pretty darn true. I am amazed at the wonders of God.
1:21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.
1:24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
1:29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
All with in the first 29 verses. WOW. I had been given over to a depraved mind. I started to hate God, I had no fidelity, I slandered a good name because of my own greed and had not love because I threw it away.
God says that If you have not love you haven't got anything. Think about that! He is saying love is everything! I threw away everything because of my own selfish desires of the flesh.
I pray that God continues to heal me and bring me back to him. I don't want to continue on the path of no return. God is merciful and MIGHTY. God saves. Please let me be worthy of saving.
1:21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.
1:24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
1:29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
All with in the first 29 verses. WOW. I had been given over to a depraved mind. I started to hate God, I had no fidelity, I slandered a good name because of my own greed and had not love because I threw it away.
God says that If you have not love you haven't got anything. Think about that! He is saying love is everything! I threw away everything because of my own selfish desires of the flesh.
I pray that God continues to heal me and bring me back to him. I don't want to continue on the path of no return. God is merciful and MIGHTY. God saves. Please let me be worthy of saving.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A letter to My Father
I know you are working something, but does it have to be so painful? I know I have oft turned from your face and that this is all just a wake up call to come home to you. I want to come home to you. but the devil is telling me that I am already lost, that I am worthless and unlovable and unforgivable. I struggle to tune him out and rely on what I know to be true. I need your intervention in my life. I need help in letting you take control of my life and carry me when I am weary. Right now, I am beyond weary. My way isn't working and I don't know how to let you take the wheel from me.
Friday, March 25, 2011
nothing like being smacked in the face that you are still a piece of crap. I hope that you can work a miracle and help me become honest and genuine.
Lord Help me to be humble. I wish that I could simply be genuinely who I am. How is it that I am unaware to who it is I am? I also just want to love myself so that I can stop punishing everyone that does love me because I don't love myself . I know you have plans for me. I know that through you anything is possible. Please Lord let me be worthy of a change and a chance to be better. Help me hate these things that hurt people so that I can put actions to my wants.
Lord Help me to be humble. I wish that I could simply be genuinely who I am. How is it that I am unaware to who it is I am? I also just want to love myself so that I can stop punishing everyone that does love me because I don't love myself . I know you have plans for me. I know that through you anything is possible. Please Lord let me be worthy of a change and a chance to be better. Help me hate these things that hurt people so that I can put actions to my wants.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
God Foods interesting read
EAT LOTS OF SWEET POTATOES
It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries
Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.
It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries
Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Little LLama Princess
Ok maybe not princess but the Queen Drama Llama has struck again. Is it ok to be completely done with someone? I can't handle the insesant need to try to make everything about her. Granted I know that she is overly sensitive and wants the universe to swing around her.
The sun she is not and earth I am refusing to be. Too much weight to rest on my shoulders.
Granted I also realize I blog in the middle of the heat of the storm. But it's my blog and my thoughts my feeling and analyzations to what is going on inside of my body and mind.
The sun she is not and earth I am refusing to be. Too much weight to rest on my shoulders.
Granted I also realize I blog in the middle of the heat of the storm. But it's my blog and my thoughts my feeling and analyzations to what is going on inside of my body and mind.
Monday, March 7, 2011
God is so GOOD
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
I took wise counsel back in December and I listened to that wisdom. Last Thursday, I went back to the recruiters. Decided I would pick a job just so that I could get benefits for school. The Lord smiled on me. He made the job I wanted pop up with the specialty specifications. I accepted the job of Combat Medic with an emphasis on Health Care Specialist aka LPN! The job I was told there was not a way in HELL I was going to get. I told them from the very beginning God would make the job available to me! When my recruiter pulled up the jobs, his jaw dropped and he said "how did that come up". At this point, we didn't know it had the kicker for the LPN. So when he clicked on it to reserve it for me and saw that, He stated , "Some one must be looking out for you." My thought was "NO REALLY?!!? I instantly exclaimed," you are right GOD".
He really was looking down on me. He lifted me up and he heard my cries and he knows the dreams and desires of my heart. He rewarded me for knowing it would happen just not right when I wanted it. God provides! I am so grateful, so at peace and so excited to do the work the Lord has set before me.
I leave for BCT on June 7th! Please keep me in your prayers that the Lord wraps a shield of love and protection around my family while I am away from them.
In May I also get to participate in the Ms MUDRUN. This goes to help people that mean so much to me to be able to help friends of mine that are fighting this fight! Please keep them in your prayers as well.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:7
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
I took wise counsel back in December and I listened to that wisdom. Last Thursday, I went back to the recruiters. Decided I would pick a job just so that I could get benefits for school. The Lord smiled on me. He made the job I wanted pop up with the specialty specifications. I accepted the job of Combat Medic with an emphasis on Health Care Specialist aka LPN! The job I was told there was not a way in HELL I was going to get. I told them from the very beginning God would make the job available to me! When my recruiter pulled up the jobs, his jaw dropped and he said "how did that come up". At this point, we didn't know it had the kicker for the LPN. So when he clicked on it to reserve it for me and saw that, He stated , "Some one must be looking out for you." My thought was "NO REALLY?!!? I instantly exclaimed," you are right GOD".
He really was looking down on me. He lifted me up and he heard my cries and he knows the dreams and desires of my heart. He rewarded me for knowing it would happen just not right when I wanted it. God provides! I am so grateful, so at peace and so excited to do the work the Lord has set before me.
I leave for BCT on June 7th! Please keep me in your prayers that the Lord wraps a shield of love and protection around my family while I am away from them.
In May I also get to participate in the Ms MUDRUN. This goes to help people that mean so much to me to be able to help friends of mine that are fighting this fight! Please keep them in your prayers as well.
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Llama that brought you
Can surely take you back to whence you came, you silly drama bug.
Not sure what is up but I believe the Drama bug is trying to sneak up and bit me. Please pray that this goes away as I don't want the stress that I know it will bring.
Not sure what is up but I believe the Drama bug is trying to sneak up and bit me. Please pray that this goes away as I don't want the stress that I know it will bring.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I don't feel like I have much to say. I just haven't updated much lately. Honestly, I really don't even have words. I wonder if taking two english classes is taking the creativity from my brain and eating it.
Thinking that maybe I should take a creative writing class so I am forced to keep up with the creative vein of writing. Writing essays all the time is depleting and makes writing life feel boring.
Oh yeah. My friends J&M had their baby boy this past week. Makes me wish I hadn't gotten my tubes tied. OH WAIT. If I hadn't then I'd probably have 8 kids and not be in school right now. I love being in school. I love that all my kids can talk to me about what is going on with them emotionally and what their hopes and dreams for the future are. I simply miss the holding of babies and feeling completely needed.
Anyway. those are the things in my brain.
Have a blessed day.
Thinking that maybe I should take a creative writing class so I am forced to keep up with the creative vein of writing. Writing essays all the time is depleting and makes writing life feel boring.
Oh yeah. My friends J&M had their baby boy this past week. Makes me wish I hadn't gotten my tubes tied. OH WAIT. If I hadn't then I'd probably have 8 kids and not be in school right now. I love being in school. I love that all my kids can talk to me about what is going on with them emotionally and what their hopes and dreams for the future are. I simply miss the holding of babies and feeling completely needed.
Anyway. those are the things in my brain.
Have a blessed day.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I remember
I remember when
poetry found us,
Two souls
floating on the waves
of words inside
our lonesome heads.
It brought us together
where it bound us
in shared moments
of genuine
emotions raging
needs fast and racing.
13 years later
the poetry is forgotten
no sharing
of waves of words.
Loneliness riles
the seas inside us.
Fighting with ores
we try
we steer our canoes
reaching for
I remembers
to hold the binding
that poetry glued.
poetry found us,
Two souls
floating on the waves
of words inside
our lonesome heads.
It brought us together
where it bound us
in shared moments
of genuine
emotions raging
needs fast and racing.
13 years later
the poetry is forgotten
no sharing
of waves of words.
Loneliness riles
the seas inside us.
Fighting with ores
we try
we steer our canoes
reaching for
I remembers
to hold the binding
that poetry glued.
Father Time
Do you think maybe just maybe you can slow down just a tiny bit. My babies are growing up too fast. I am allowing the children to watch a movie today and I get up to grab the chord to my lap top and I look over and my nearly 13 year old is snuggled up on the couch with his baby sister. What a heart warming sight to see. My cup runneth over. I am so lucky that they all get along and love each other so much.
Don't get me twisted, they do have their squabbles and moments of sheer frustration with each other, but you can see they genuinely love each other. How many people can say they are so blessed to have kids that are so close together? We did something right, maybe it was having them so close together or maybe it was simply instilling in them that family is family and having brothers and sisters are like having built in best friends.
I am just grateful.
Don't get me twisted, they do have their squabbles and moments of sheer frustration with each other, but you can see they genuinely love each other. How many people can say they are so blessed to have kids that are so close together? We did something right, maybe it was having them so close together or maybe it was simply instilling in them that family is family and having brothers and sisters are like having built in best friends.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Feeling it
I ain't feeling it
you see
I ain't feeling it
walking around
with this chip
deep on my shoulder
I ain't feeling it
fill it in
take it off
don't leave me
hanging around with
the garbage your flinging
at the back of my head
I ain't feeling it
there's a mirror hanging
maybe, take a glance
is it your face your seeing?
There's a ghost
in your shadow casting
red filled glares
but I ain't feelin it
you are wasting your
efforts,your energies
are running away
from that bunny with his drum
It's not everlasting
Im headed for higher ground
to build my house
On a rock solid
not your sinking sand.
you see
I ain't feeling it
walking around
with this chip
deep on my shoulder
I ain't feeling it
fill it in
take it off
don't leave me
hanging around with
the garbage your flinging
at the back of my head
I ain't feeling it
there's a mirror hanging
maybe, take a glance
is it your face your seeing?
There's a ghost
in your shadow casting
red filled glares
but I ain't feelin it
you are wasting your
efforts,your energies
are running away
from that bunny with his drum
It's not everlasting
Im headed for higher ground
to build my house
On a rock solid
not your sinking sand.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
MS MUD RUN
Hey all, I am participating in the Multiple Sclerosis Mud run on May 7th. I have to raise $100.00 to participate. If anyone so kindly wishes to help me help others it would be so appreciated.
Here is a link so you can help me out.
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=16860&team_id=236748
Not only does money go to help find a cure but it also goes to help get the meds to those who cannot afford them.
Here is a link so you can help me out.
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=16860&team_id=236748
Not only does money go to help find a cure but it also goes to help get the meds to those who cannot afford them.
wondering on rambling road
So I have noticed that I see a lot of things on my daily trek to the learning establishment. One the amount of trash that litters the ground. Two, I wish I had a camera to capture all the things that affect my emotions by their sight. Three, I often start thinking of awesome things to write but as I reach into my bag for the needed utensils, the thoughts and words flee from me as though writing them down would polute them like the scenery near my higher education facilities.
I wonder what would happen if I simply started picking up the trash off the ground in this sad and lonely neighbor hood. Would the folks be offended to see this white girl doing it? I know that sounds racist and it isn't my thoughts to come across that way, but I hear from others around me that the goodie goodie white folks always trying to help the poorer folks come off as ... what is the wording I am looking for? Only doing it for the looks not because it needs to be done. Personally, I hate looking at trash and clutter and I absolutely hate, HATE litter. I have always picked stuff up off the ground and placed it in the trash bin. Why can't every one else just do this too?
I wonder what would happen if I simply started picking up the trash off the ground in this sad and lonely neighbor hood. Would the folks be offended to see this white girl doing it? I know that sounds racist and it isn't my thoughts to come across that way, but I hear from others around me that the goodie goodie white folks always trying to help the poorer folks come off as ... what is the wording I am looking for? Only doing it for the looks not because it needs to be done. Personally, I hate looking at trash and clutter and I absolutely hate, HATE litter. I have always picked stuff up off the ground and placed it in the trash bin. Why can't every one else just do this too?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
doctors
So I finally went to the doctors on Friday. I was right, it was Bronchitis. One Zpack later and I feel so much better.
Why did I wait so long to go? OH YEAH it was at Connect Care. It wasn't this bad this time. The doctor was really nice and actually listened to me.
Oh and AWESOME NEWS.
STRAIGHT A's BABY.
Why did I wait so long to go? OH YEAH it was at Connect Care. It wasn't this bad this time. The doctor was really nice and actually listened to me.
Oh and AWESOME NEWS.
STRAIGHT A's BABY.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Ug with a big cough
im not using correct capitalization today. i don't care what anyone says.
i don't feel well. haven't for the last week . my chest hurts and my abs hurt from all the coughing. i was coughing so hard i almost threw up. gross. i was on the city bus no less. i thought for sure i was scaring the other folks on the bus. coughin so much and so hard i had tears streaming down my face and the face was bright fiery red.
i just want to feel better and i don't want to have to go to the doctor to feel that way. mostly cause i have to go the the clinic. i don't like going to the clinic, it doesn't feel safe there and smells of urine and liquor.
i am whiny and tired and achy and want to sleep for a decade not waking until all that ails me is gone. snuggled under the covers, head buried in my pillows and smothered in sweats and layers of t shirts. wouldn't hurt to have a cup of hot tea to go along with all that and my mama rubbing my back like i was 5.
i don't feel well. haven't for the last week . my chest hurts and my abs hurt from all the coughing. i was coughing so hard i almost threw up. gross. i was on the city bus no less. i thought for sure i was scaring the other folks on the bus. coughin so much and so hard i had tears streaming down my face and the face was bright fiery red.
i just want to feel better and i don't want to have to go to the doctor to feel that way. mostly cause i have to go the the clinic. i don't like going to the clinic, it doesn't feel safe there and smells of urine and liquor.
i am whiny and tired and achy and want to sleep for a decade not waking until all that ails me is gone. snuggled under the covers, head buried in my pillows and smothered in sweats and layers of t shirts. wouldn't hurt to have a cup of hot tea to go along with all that and my mama rubbing my back like i was 5.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
attack of the chest gunkies
Stupid weather ( at least that is whom/ what I am blaming) for making me sick. Started Tuesday evening with a weird cough. By Friday, I was laid up on the couch running fevers with chills and coughing my lungs out. I don't think I got up from the couch Friday except to go to the bathroom and make dinner for the family. Yesterday I felt better. Was able to go to an eye appointment and order my new glasses and contacts. By evening however, I was coughing up sticky greenish yellow crap. I sounds like a seal barking. My mama thinks I should go to the doctor because her hypocondriac self says I may have walking pneumonia. I personally think it;s just a bad cold. I am definitely getting a great ab work out from all the coughing.
I will be glad when I feel 100%. I think that I needed the rest though. I think God allows us to be ill so that we remember we have to take time to rest. I am grateful for that reminder. I hope to do better about resting instead of being full steam all the time. Now if only I could be back to feeling normal with no invisible elephants sitting on my chest.
I will be glad when I feel 100%. I think that I needed the rest though. I think God allows us to be ill so that we remember we have to take time to rest. I am grateful for that reminder. I hope to do better about resting instead of being full steam all the time. Now if only I could be back to feeling normal with no invisible elephants sitting on my chest.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
the writing process
I am supposed to be writing a story for a friend of mine. It was asked that I use vivid details to really bring the pictures to the mind. However, I have yet to really start on it. I feel like school work is sucking all the juices from my creative brain.
I did write a couple awesome paragraphs for my English class though. Is it wrong that I am so tempted to post them here? I think I may infact do that. The first paragraph was supposed to be about an even that only lasted a short time but will never leave you. I wrote about my first time riding the city bus here in St. Louis. The next paragraph was supposed to be a persuasive paragraph to get someone to stop doing something. The second one I wrote about why pregnant women should stop smoking. I think I am going to turn that one into an essay as there were a lot of facts and angles that could be taken.
Anyway. Here they are, if you feel so inclined, please let me know what you think of them.
Paragraph one:
I did write a couple awesome paragraphs for my English class though. Is it wrong that I am so tempted to post them here? I think I may infact do that. The first paragraph was supposed to be about an even that only lasted a short time but will never leave you. I wrote about my first time riding the city bus here in St. Louis. The next paragraph was supposed to be a persuasive paragraph to get someone to stop doing something. The second one I wrote about why pregnant women should stop smoking. I think I am going to turn that one into an essay as there were a lot of facts and angles that could be taken.
Anyway. Here they are, if you feel so inclined, please let me know what you think of them.
Paragraph one:
My first experience riding the city bus was enlightening to the difference between urban and suburban areas. I never realized how many people in the city rode the bus every day. I assumed that everyone had the ability to drive a car. I was shocked when at the very first stop five people got on. The next thing I took note of was that the affluence of the neighborhoods gradually changed as the bus moved from one street to the next. The difference wasn’t just in the houses, but also the businesses and the streets. The shops started out well cared for and open for business. As the bus took us farther into the city, the shops became dilapidated and often vacant. The communities mirrored these shops. It looked as though the population was demoralized by the amount of trash and graffiti. The buildings looked sad and droopy in contrast to the buildings in the more affluent suburban areas. I have realized that living a sheltered life has left me ignorant of life in the city.
Paragraph 2
Pregnant women should stop smoking. Smoking during pregnancy can cause low birth weight. A low birth weight is anything under 5 and half pounds. Not only is smoking unhealthy for the smoking woman, but the nicotine and carbon monoxide go straight into the blood stream and that means it goes straight into the baby’s blood stream. Carbon monoxide is deadly as it takes at least 2 hours to clear your blood and this is based on activity levels. So one should think about the effects it has on the fetus. These two toxins are among 4,000 others that include lead and cyanide. The mother should also consider that smoking is linked to many forms of cancer. What mother does not want to be there for her children? Chances are that if they continue to smoke, they are going to die from this horrible habit. The sad fact is that the mother risks the chance of giving birth to a still born baby because of her smoking habit. It is clear that smoking and pregnancy do not go hand in hand and therefore mothers should stop smoking as soon as they can.
For not having written a paragraph for a class in a long time, I am pretty proud of these two.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Is it blue or just me?
I am feeling emotional today. Sad and lonely for no reason that I can think of. I keep trying to tell myself happy thoughts and change my way of thinking. Mostly its an uncontrollable need to cry. I am not sure why. I just cannot seem to let it happen. I know that once I have a good cry I will feel better and release whatever is pent up inside of me. No cry is happening though. I took a shower thinking that I could let it all go in there under the running shards of water. Nope I thought wrong. The hot stream didn't do anything to help.
I feel like the houses and buildings look that surround my school. Drooping and glum. If those buildings had tears oh how they would flow! I am like those buildings, I have no tears to shed yet my soul cries out for redemption of the run down melancholy.
I have so much to be grateful and happy about but something nags at me and makes me sad. Wish I knew what it was.
I feel like the houses and buildings look that surround my school. Drooping and glum. If those buildings had tears oh how they would flow! I am like those buildings, I have no tears to shed yet my soul cries out for redemption of the run down melancholy.
I have so much to be grateful and happy about but something nags at me and makes me sad. Wish I knew what it was.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
mortality
My friend received news today that her brother in law died unexpectedly from a heart attack this morning in his sleep. It makes me think about not knowing when or how we will all pass on. God never promises us the next breath. It puts into perspective that we often take things for granted. My friend's five year old nephew is going to grow into a man with out his daddy there to guide him. That breaks my heart.
I am reminded of how I want to be there to watch my children grow into the ( hopefully) mature and invested grown ups that we want them to be. I want to watch them graduate from high school and college and to be there when they get married. I want to be the Nana that holds and teaches her grand children all the fun little things that only a Nana can teach.
I hope that I live my life in a manner that says that I want to be there for all these things.
My mind wanders as I think about the loss that my friend's family is feeling right now. I pray that he knew the Lord and will be there greeting them when the time for all of us to go home comes.
I am reminded of how I want to be there to watch my children grow into the ( hopefully) mature and invested grown ups that we want them to be. I want to watch them graduate from high school and college and to be there when they get married. I want to be the Nana that holds and teaches her grand children all the fun little things that only a Nana can teach.
I hope that I live my life in a manner that says that I want to be there for all these things.
My mind wanders as I think about the loss that my friend's family is feeling right now. I pray that he knew the Lord and will be there greeting them when the time for all of us to go home comes.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Week 1
The first week of school was awesome! I got ahead of the curve on Math and on my College Orientation class. Even with a snow day after a Holiday and a week with out books.
Had a great week end with the husband and the kids. Stayed up way too late last night and feel so completely spent. I could easily go to sleep.
Only draw back this week was that verbal communication seemed to be lacking for me something awful this week. I hope that it is simply that I used up most of the verbal communication skills in class this week.
I am looking forward to the week ahead and learning and applying for financial aid to get the rest of the prerecs. out of the way so I can start the actual nursing program in the spring of next year! Life feels full and over flowing. I am surely blessed and loved by the one above.
Had a great week end with the husband and the kids. Stayed up way too late last night and feel so completely spent. I could easily go to sleep.
Only draw back this week was that verbal communication seemed to be lacking for me something awful this week. I hope that it is simply that I used up most of the verbal communication skills in class this week.
I am looking forward to the week ahead and learning and applying for financial aid to get the rest of the prerecs. out of the way so I can start the actual nursing program in the spring of next year! Life feels full and over flowing. I am surely blessed and loved by the one above.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Snow Day
This is so crazy. It's the third day of school for me and I am out on a snow day. How crazy. I didn't want to stay home, I want to be at that building getting a grip on firing brain cells.
I remember growing up, I actually had to to walk to school in snow that was half way up my calf. Now days folks seem afraid to have kids walk in it. Maybe it's because so many kids ride the bus. The buses do not seem to like the snow. Not sure I would really want my lil munchkins on a bus that can't handle driving on the roads. I wouldn't want to risk their lives because folks don't know how to drive in the inclement weather.
I was simply hoping to continue on the path of learning with out interuption. I went ahead and did extra math problems past where we were supposed to. But because we dont' have our actual text books yet, I cannot get ahead in the other classes and can't really go too far ahead in the math department. I am simply eager to grow and improve myself. I kind of like setting this good example to the kids of getting it done ahead of time instead of waiting till the last minute.
I remember growing up, I actually had to to walk to school in snow that was half way up my calf. Now days folks seem afraid to have kids walk in it. Maybe it's because so many kids ride the bus. The buses do not seem to like the snow. Not sure I would really want my lil munchkins on a bus that can't handle driving on the roads. I wouldn't want to risk their lives because folks don't know how to drive in the inclement weather.
I was simply hoping to continue on the path of learning with out interuption. I went ahead and did extra math problems past where we were supposed to. But because we dont' have our actual text books yet, I cannot get ahead in the other classes and can't really go too far ahead in the math department. I am simply eager to grow and improve myself. I kind of like setting this good example to the kids of getting it done ahead of time instead of waiting till the last minute.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
So Many Blessings
Found out today that God has heard my prayers about my books for school. He included the price of my books in the grant for me to go to school. I don't have to pay for them. No worry for how I will afford them as He took care of it.
The blessings just keep coming. I hope to be a blessing to someone else as God is finding ways to bless me and my family. OH this reminds me of a blessing bit I wanted to talk about but was so fretful over today being my first day that I forgot to blog about it.
I was getting gas at the gas station yesterday. Spending the last of my last pay check to make sure I could get to school. As I was leaving instead of saying the normal "Thank you have a great day." I was thinking those words but instead I said ( at the same time as the clerk which was simply awesome) "Thank you have a blessed day." The reaction of the clerk was priceless. She grinned bigger than any I have seen in a long time and was genuinely thankful for me having said that. She exclaimed, "OH THANK YOU". That is the best reaction I could have ever hoped to get. God used me to really lift that lady's day it seemed. I wish I could do that to every one . I think I am going to say that to every one.
Have a blessed day! I know I have had a blessed day.
Even with a few confuddled attempts at communication in the last couple days that seemed to stress me out because I just couldn't seem to communicate what I was trying to say. I am grateful to the Husband for helping me work through it. AGAIN another blessing... a husband that encourages me to work through the frustrations and the short comings to make them strengths and to not give up on myself. I am so so blessed. I wish every one were this blessed.
The blessings just keep coming. I hope to be a blessing to someone else as God is finding ways to bless me and my family. OH this reminds me of a blessing bit I wanted to talk about but was so fretful over today being my first day that I forgot to blog about it.
I was getting gas at the gas station yesterday. Spending the last of my last pay check to make sure I could get to school. As I was leaving instead of saying the normal "Thank you have a great day." I was thinking those words but instead I said ( at the same time as the clerk which was simply awesome) "Thank you have a blessed day." The reaction of the clerk was priceless. She grinned bigger than any I have seen in a long time and was genuinely thankful for me having said that. She exclaimed, "OH THANK YOU". That is the best reaction I could have ever hoped to get. God used me to really lift that lady's day it seemed. I wish I could do that to every one . I think I am going to say that to every one.
Have a blessed day! I know I have had a blessed day.
Even with a few confuddled attempts at communication in the last couple days that seemed to stress me out because I just couldn't seem to communicate what I was trying to say. I am grateful to the Husband for helping me work through it. AGAIN another blessing... a husband that encourages me to work through the frustrations and the short comings to make them strengths and to not give up on myself. I am so so blessed. I wish every one were this blessed.
Monday, January 17, 2011
the sleep monster stole the sand man
Here it is 11:30 at night, the night before I start school. I can't sleep. Too many things going through my brain. Too much excitement and worry. All things that I can do nothing about.
God please let me rest my mind and allow you to take control of this ship and let my mind and body fall into accord so I can sleep.
I am nervous because the school black board says I am not registered for any classes. My registration paperwork says otherwise but none of the classes have room numbers. They are all TBA? What am I to do with that? I want to do well in school but wonder if 12 years away from a school atmosphere is going to hinder me or will it empower me?
Too many thoughts
God please let me rest my mind and allow you to take control of this ship and let my mind and body fall into accord so I can sleep.
I am nervous because the school black board says I am not registered for any classes. My registration paperwork says otherwise but none of the classes have room numbers. They are all TBA? What am I to do with that? I want to do well in school but wonder if 12 years away from a school atmosphere is going to hinder me or will it empower me?
Too many thoughts
Saturday, January 15, 2011
text books
WOW it is amazing how much text books cost! I have only just received what book I need for my math class. ( Class starts on Tuesday) and the book is going to cost me 130 bucks if I can't find it cheaper. Which also means that I have to scrounge up that much money. But God brought me to this class because I didn't settle for the Army crap jobs. So God is going to make it so I get this text book. I have zero doubts in this category. He will get this book for me even if its through ebay or some other such site :)
I am so excited to start school. I am looking most forward to the writing class! Hope this experience is all that I want it to be. I know it is going to be what I make of it. I am looking forward to working hard to get great grades and to increase my brain!
I am so excited to start school. I am looking most forward to the writing class! Hope this experience is all that I want it to be. I know it is going to be what I make of it. I am looking forward to working hard to get great grades and to increase my brain!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Oh Happy Day
Psalm 19[a]
For the director of music. A psalm of David. 1 The heavens declare the glory of God;the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
3 They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
4 Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
5 It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
and all of them are righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the honeycomb.
11 By them your servant is warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Oh what a wonderful Psalm! It fits so perfectly. The Lord cares for us and he hears our prayers . I start school on Tuesday! a full 21 credit hours for the Spring Semester! If I don't join the Army, I'll take Biology and Chemistry and then I'll take the 2 year nursing program. In 3 years I will be a nurse. ( If this is the Lord's plan) I am so excited, and grateful! A great burden has been lifted from my shoulders. God is so good and so merciful and mighty.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
if only i knew a doctor
The last week or so I have had the worst middle back pain. It is a deep pain. Sometimes it fades so it isn't so noticeable and sometimes its so painful it takes my breath away. There is definitely some T.M.I with the other symptoms but I can't afford to go to a doctor to find out what is going on. I have some ideas but they are just ideas. Ideas don't tell you if it is fact. The cranberry juice doesn't seem to be working and it is sucking.
I know the title of this blog episode is "If only I knew a doctor", and I know one and He can cure all ailments but I believe that He gives us people to do that work on some cases. I just wish those people He gives us didn't have to charge money for their services.
This is draining and makes me want to help others that cannot afford to get help for medical needs. I think this is God's way of confirming the area he wants me in. I just need to take the steps in the human world to get there because He cannot hand me everything. I can only ask Him to guide my human steps to the right path to do this job He has set out for me.
I know the title of this blog episode is "If only I knew a doctor", and I know one and He can cure all ailments but I believe that He gives us people to do that work on some cases. I just wish those people He gives us didn't have to charge money for their services.
This is draining and makes me want to help others that cannot afford to get help for medical needs. I think this is God's way of confirming the area he wants me in. I just need to take the steps in the human world to get there because He cannot hand me everything. I can only ask Him to guide my human steps to the right path to do this job He has set out for me.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
random rumblings
i am feeling very lazy. just like yesterday. I laid in my bed almost the entire day. did nothing except watch national geographic documentaries and relaxed. I even took a nap. today i feel just as lazy only i was mildly productive. had to run to the store to get a few things but just really wanted another day like yesterday.
it was super cold outside and that only made me more lazy. i could easily fall asleep right now but we are planning to go out tonight. i am not seeing that happening as the wonderful spouse is still in bed. i have not seen him come from the room at all.
im thinking we need to phone the folks we were supposed to hang out with and reschedule. i always feel badly doing that tho. i am afraid they will take it personally if we cancel. ug. what to do .
if i fall asleep on the couch i wonder what will happen. although i am simply tempted to go up stairs and curl up next to my better half and see if he wakes me up.
it was super cold outside and that only made me more lazy. i could easily fall asleep right now but we are planning to go out tonight. i am not seeing that happening as the wonderful spouse is still in bed. i have not seen him come from the room at all.
im thinking we need to phone the folks we were supposed to hang out with and reschedule. i always feel badly doing that tho. i am afraid they will take it personally if we cancel. ug. what to do .
if i fall asleep on the couch i wonder what will happen. although i am simply tempted to go up stairs and curl up next to my better half and see if he wakes me up.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
just have to say
I have long since been a fan of medical dramas. It adds to my desire to be a nurse. The ore i think about it the more I want to be a Trauma Nurse. When it comes to medical emergencies, I think on my feet, it seems natural to me. I have had to give C.P.R. to people that are important to members of my family, I have had to take care of a child with a broken femur. I don't panic at the site of blood, in fact it fascinates me. The human body fascinates me.
Now I wonder, "WHY, WHY has it taken me so long to realize this? Why is it that now that I know for certain what I want to do, does it seems I can't do it, that I am not allowed to do it?
I know that I am supposed to wait on the Lord for all the things that are meant to be. This feels like what I imagine an artist feels like after losing his hand in some horrible accident. Please pray that I find peace no matter what the Lord has in store for me be it what I want or not.
I also realize that on top of wanting to be a Trauma Nurse I want to do it in the military. I am a compassionate, loving and caring woman. I am strong when I need to be and determined when I want something. I love helping people that need help, I feel fulfilled when I help others. I know that there are many warriors that need what I have to offer to help them get better. I have been groomed since childhood to care for people.
Lord let your will be my will. Grant me patience and peace and a sense of calm that I may know you are in control of all that there is. You only have my best interest in heart.
Now I wonder, "WHY, WHY has it taken me so long to realize this? Why is it that now that I know for certain what I want to do, does it seems I can't do it, that I am not allowed to do it?
I know that I am supposed to wait on the Lord for all the things that are meant to be. This feels like what I imagine an artist feels like after losing his hand in some horrible accident. Please pray that I find peace no matter what the Lord has in store for me be it what I want or not.
I also realize that on top of wanting to be a Trauma Nurse I want to do it in the military. I am a compassionate, loving and caring woman. I am strong when I need to be and determined when I want something. I love helping people that need help, I feel fulfilled when I help others. I know that there are many warriors that need what I have to offer to help them get better. I have been groomed since childhood to care for people.
Lord let your will be my will. Grant me patience and peace and a sense of calm that I may know you are in control of all that there is. You only have my best interest in heart.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If ever you need proof
So yesterday parusing the news on Yahoo. I came across the story of a homeless man that used to be a radio voice guy. WHAT A VOICE. He had fallen into the trap of the world and was involved with drugs and alcohol and through all that he lost his job and his respect and self.
I am amazed and lifted up by this mans story. He got himself clean ( 2 years now) and was living off the generosity of others who would give him money. I was listening to the updated story this evening with my children and He counts God as his savior. He found in his time as a homeless man lost and lonely that there truly is God. He said he had his hour with God every day and he thanked him for every thing that was given to him. He prayed that he would rebound. God brought this man to his Knees so that he could LOOK UP to him and not depend on himself.
I was reminded of a blog post by a fellow blogger who stated that we are given troubles not so we can carry them but so that we will rely on God to carry them for us. ( I am paraphrasing here). I believe God brings us to the pit of our lives so that we will humble our hearts and look to him, to call out broken and bleeding and desperate for redemption. I know that he has heard me and lifted me up. I hope others can see that he really does exist and isn't just a side line observer of the world he created.
My husband asked me the other day if I believed God was always good. Of course my answer is Yes. Then he asked me if I believed there was evil. Of course I believe and answered Yes. Then he asked me How can God be so good if he allows bad things to happen to us and for evil to be in the world. ( he is taking a philosophy class). I told him that I believe God has our best interests in heart and he knows what is best for us. He allows evil in the world so that we will trust him and choose him. He asked me something else and I can't quite recall what it was just that I know I didn't know how to answer it. He said that He has a simple way to explain this but he couldn't tell me right now because he wants me to think for myself and didn't want me to adopt his answer or influence me in anyway. He said it was an important question because there will come a day When I have to defend my belief to someone that doesn't believe in God. He wanted me to think about how I can help someone to see the love of God that didn't know it.
The thing is. I know with out any doubt that God is good and that there is evil in the world. I believe he allows evil things to happen to us so that we may HELP those that are going through it. He wants us to go through those things so we can some way relate to him. Think of all the times he asked his people to love only Him as their God and they chose to bow down before other gods. He asked us not to defile ourselves and then there was Lot offering his daughters to those crazed men so they would not rape and defile the angle of the Lord. He wants us to feel the pain He feels each time we reject him. He wants us to choose to love him. He is our father and knows what is best for us. But being human, we often have to learn from our own experiences. Take a look back at your life... remember that time your parent told you not to do something because you could get hurt? Remember not believing them and then getting hurt because you did it anyway? Isn't that what we do every day that we don't listen to God?
I often wonder how people don't believe in God when I see the rays of the sun shooting down through gray clouds. Or the wonderful colors of the sunset and sunrise. I see his fury in the shape of Tornados and Volcanos or Tsunamis and Hurricanes. Yet I see his love each time I see a rainbow. He reminds us of his promise not to destroy the earth with a flood. I see the love each time I see the trees blossoming with new life of fresh leave buds.
I only hope that some one will be swayed by my thoughts to not give up on God or their quest for purpose with Him.
I am amazed and lifted up by this mans story. He got himself clean ( 2 years now) and was living off the generosity of others who would give him money. I was listening to the updated story this evening with my children and He counts God as his savior. He found in his time as a homeless man lost and lonely that there truly is God. He said he had his hour with God every day and he thanked him for every thing that was given to him. He prayed that he would rebound. God brought this man to his Knees so that he could LOOK UP to him and not depend on himself.
I was reminded of a blog post by a fellow blogger who stated that we are given troubles not so we can carry them but so that we will rely on God to carry them for us. ( I am paraphrasing here). I believe God brings us to the pit of our lives so that we will humble our hearts and look to him, to call out broken and bleeding and desperate for redemption. I know that he has heard me and lifted me up. I hope others can see that he really does exist and isn't just a side line observer of the world he created.
My husband asked me the other day if I believed God was always good. Of course my answer is Yes. Then he asked me if I believed there was evil. Of course I believe and answered Yes. Then he asked me How can God be so good if he allows bad things to happen to us and for evil to be in the world. ( he is taking a philosophy class). I told him that I believe God has our best interests in heart and he knows what is best for us. He allows evil in the world so that we will trust him and choose him. He asked me something else and I can't quite recall what it was just that I know I didn't know how to answer it. He said that He has a simple way to explain this but he couldn't tell me right now because he wants me to think for myself and didn't want me to adopt his answer or influence me in anyway. He said it was an important question because there will come a day When I have to defend my belief to someone that doesn't believe in God. He wanted me to think about how I can help someone to see the love of God that didn't know it.
The thing is. I know with out any doubt that God is good and that there is evil in the world. I believe he allows evil things to happen to us so that we may HELP those that are going through it. He wants us to go through those things so we can some way relate to him. Think of all the times he asked his people to love only Him as their God and they chose to bow down before other gods. He asked us not to defile ourselves and then there was Lot offering his daughters to those crazed men so they would not rape and defile the angle of the Lord. He wants us to feel the pain He feels each time we reject him. He wants us to choose to love him. He is our father and knows what is best for us. But being human, we often have to learn from our own experiences. Take a look back at your life... remember that time your parent told you not to do something because you could get hurt? Remember not believing them and then getting hurt because you did it anyway? Isn't that what we do every day that we don't listen to God?
I often wonder how people don't believe in God when I see the rays of the sun shooting down through gray clouds. Or the wonderful colors of the sunset and sunrise. I see his fury in the shape of Tornados and Volcanos or Tsunamis and Hurricanes. Yet I see his love each time I see a rainbow. He reminds us of his promise not to destroy the earth with a flood. I see the love each time I see the trees blossoming with new life of fresh leave buds.
I only hope that some one will be swayed by my thoughts to not give up on God or their quest for purpose with Him.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Just because
I was digging through the mounds of over 500 cds that my husband owns and found one that he gave me several years ago. I am a fan of Norah Jones. she has one of those sultry voices. She sings often like a lullabye that sooths the aches in a weary soul.
My husband got it for me while we were going through a rough patch and he slipped in a piece of wrapping paper with Just Because written on it. he slipped it into the cover of the cd so that when ever I see it I am reminded that he loves me just because.
I think its because God designed him for me. He often carries me through dark parts of my self as if he is God's caregiver for me. He encourages me to be strong and look my fears in the face and over come them. That is what I am reminded of every time I see this particular c.d.
God is with me in the physical form of my husband. I have trully been blessed
My husband got it for me while we were going through a rough patch and he slipped in a piece of wrapping paper with Just Because written on it. he slipped it into the cover of the cd so that when ever I see it I am reminded that he loves me just because.
I think its because God designed him for me. He often carries me through dark parts of my self as if he is God's caregiver for me. He encourages me to be strong and look my fears in the face and over come them. That is what I am reminded of every time I see this particular c.d.
God is with me in the physical form of my husband. I have trully been blessed
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