nothingness Oct32009

I feel a lack of nothingness that leads to everything
I am lacking in energy and happy mood
a sense of foreboding blossoming
on the violet and oranger horizon
lapping at the sea
that's tossing the turtles to shore

Depression sinking in the sand
grains of glass slipping into my solar skin
blue in the moon's waning light.
Cold that misses the warmth of you
curls around and calms me down.

The rain is falling, turning to icy bits
that cover the road into a morror
so I can see the things that must be changed.
Is this idea possible?
A turning point into purity snow
it never melts but never warms
because there is a war about.

Can you see the sick
the dying
I am right here
waiting for you
to release the nothingness
swinging into everything.





~ this was written almost a year ago.   Life felt complicated and more uncertain then.  Don't get me wrong, it still feels uncertain and very complicated at times but I feel hopeful and not so depressed and overtaken by the nothing.  Last year I very much felt like the never ending story's nothing was trying to eradicate my being.  There are still times when that is there, mostly when the affects of A's ptsd are rampant and raging and the floor becomes egg shells that slice the bottoms of my feet.   I feel like the war stole something from me, that man that used to be patient with me and understanding and  it stole the encouragement I used to receive from him.   Granted,  he still encourages me and is still patient but the understanding seems to be gone  or less observant, and there are times I have to fight to remember he has been through the trauma's of war and loss the likes of which I don't understand.    I forget how to be supportive and loving.   I forget that he needs the action of love and not the words of it.  He doesn't need hollow and empty but tangible and sensory love.  I don't think I can comprehend what goes through him when the thunder rattles and the dreams come.   I don't want to even compare anything that I think to what he has to fight on a daily basis yet I find myself often doing it.  We all deal with trauma differently.   The war has brought up so much from his childhood that I think has been left dormant in the dark just waiting for the time.   I need to be a better person to him: a better friend.