The other day I was going through a few more boxes and came across an old paper journal ( a few of them actually). I ripped quite a lot of things out of the one I speak of. It felt cathartic to rid myself of that old rubbish. I refuse however to remove any of my poetry.
If you ever want to know anything about what I am going through at any point in my life, simply cast thine eyes upon the words that spill to the pages of trees that I bleed ink into. Poetry, writing and words give me a lot of relief of any pain that I have experienced in my life. I express joy and love even lust. Its how I deal with emotions and situations.
Anyway I stray from my point of my post. I found a poem that I had written based on a comment of somewhat degrading sentiments of women. I wish I could remember the comment that triggered my poem. but I decided to post it and see if others may have some suggestions to make it better or more clear.
Fairy Tales and White Lies
If you don't believe
than why should I
there are no happy
endings
Its all fairy tales
and white lies
Hurt to the bone
contusions
deep upon my soul.
Its an open ended
Illusion
meant to keep
all my gruesome
disillusions
what were we thinking
Happy Ever After
never existed
Fairytales
and white lies.
A little girl's
Dreams
Woman Realities
there is no joy
just the burdens on
my chest.
You don't believe
why should I
Happy endings
don't exist
No knights in shinning armour
No rescues in store
Don't get your hopes up
Keep them down
grounded,
grounded
'cuz the
grass aint any
greener
Just a darker shade
of brown
on the other side.
~~~~
Just so it is known, I don't feel this way anymore. I was putting myself in the shoes of others who may really believe this. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely times when I want to believe there aren't any happy endings.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
ghosts that haunt inside
Yesterday was a bad day emotionally. I was self depreciating and had a hard time battling the inner self that I am NOT a failure and a waste of human flesh. I cried , mostly inwardly, but I cried. It didn't feel like a good relief giving cry. There still seems to be a lot of pent up stress and frustration and fear for the future.
I know in my heart that I am not a waste of a human being and though I may fail, that does NOT make me a failure. I just wish my head would get it together and get in tune with the heart. ( when I say heart I really mean my soul).
It seems that 2010 has been the year of the mantra of:
Jer 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you a hope and a future".
I repeat that to myself often to keep focus that MY plans really mean nothing in the grand scheme of life because I am here to serve a higher purpose. A purpose of a great and wonderful Abba. But I am human and completely imperfect and I allow doubt to creep in and tell me the bad horrible things that it tells me. I think this happens so that I will fall on my knees and look UP for help instead of looking in.
I just wish that God would grant me a reprieve from this inner battle for a while and help me see all the time that I am His precious being , Loved and unalone. That he carries me and holds me and that its all under his control.
I know in my heart that I am not a waste of a human being and though I may fail, that does NOT make me a failure. I just wish my head would get it together and get in tune with the heart. ( when I say heart I really mean my soul).
It seems that 2010 has been the year of the mantra of:
Jer 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you a hope and a future".
I repeat that to myself often to keep focus that MY plans really mean nothing in the grand scheme of life because I am here to serve a higher purpose. A purpose of a great and wonderful Abba. But I am human and completely imperfect and I allow doubt to creep in and tell me the bad horrible things that it tells me. I think this happens so that I will fall on my knees and look UP for help instead of looking in.
I just wish that God would grant me a reprieve from this inner battle for a while and help me see all the time that I am His precious being , Loved and unalone. That he carries me and holds me and that its all under his control.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
a day of goofiness and fun
Pictures from the other day when we had a day of silliness.
my five loves
me and the four loves
complete silliness
stair steps take one
stair steps take two
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Peace on Earth and Good will To ALL!!
What a wonderful day! God is good! We had snow yesterday. I think it snowed sporatically all day. It was a lovely scene. I wish I had taken pictures, but I didn't. It's ok though because I have the pictures in my head and in my heart.
Today we all slept in and then we played soccer in the snow and ended with a wonderful family snowball fight. It was the perfect kind of snow. Wet enough to form snow balls and dry enough that they didn't turn to ice balls. Now we are relaxing and watching Christmas movies.
We took a bunch of gooftastic pictures when we came in tho. The Husband has the memory card and is loading them onto his lap top and then I'll load them on mine and share them. It was a fun day. Now we ( the kids and I) are house sitting and waiting for the Husband to get here so that I can cook some delicious dinner that isn't most folks typical Christmas dinner.
I have been paroosing the want ads via the internet and came across a thing about earning money by blogging. Its on hub pages and through something called AdSense or something like that. It makes me wonder if I have enough to write about to do that. I don't get a lot of traffic here but then again , I really don't blog here to get traffic. I mostly just blog to get whatever is inside out. I love to write and I am not sure I write anything worthy of getting paid. I don't. Just something I was thinking of looking into.
I am still praying that God lead me to the right career path. The place that he has in mind for me. I know he wants me to do something in the field of caring for others. I believe he wants me to be a nurse or something like that. I just haven't seen how he has that provided tho I know he has :) .
Just some thoughts in a positive mind.
Be blessed and a blessing to someone else
Today we all slept in and then we played soccer in the snow and ended with a wonderful family snowball fight. It was the perfect kind of snow. Wet enough to form snow balls and dry enough that they didn't turn to ice balls. Now we are relaxing and watching Christmas movies.
We took a bunch of gooftastic pictures when we came in tho. The Husband has the memory card and is loading them onto his lap top and then I'll load them on mine and share them. It was a fun day. Now we ( the kids and I) are house sitting and waiting for the Husband to get here so that I can cook some delicious dinner that isn't most folks typical Christmas dinner.
I have been paroosing the want ads via the internet and came across a thing about earning money by blogging. Its on hub pages and through something called AdSense or something like that. It makes me wonder if I have enough to write about to do that. I don't get a lot of traffic here but then again , I really don't blog here to get traffic. I mostly just blog to get whatever is inside out. I love to write and I am not sure I write anything worthy of getting paid. I don't. Just something I was thinking of looking into.
I am still praying that God lead me to the right career path. The place that he has in mind for me. I know he wants me to do something in the field of caring for others. I believe he wants me to be a nurse or something like that. I just haven't seen how he has that provided tho I know he has :) .
Just some thoughts in a positive mind.
Be blessed and a blessing to someone else
Thursday, December 23, 2010
random leakage from a rusted out brain
perpetual wisdom and a truth about me
im lonely and floundering in
a world not my home
surrounded by fish
wishing to swallow me whole
im a barnacle on the bottom
of a dredging ship
making way for those
that come after me.
I don't know them
neither do they me
I am an invisible guide
not often thought about
if ever at all
but making way
for unknowing souls is what i do
Carry the burdens
of a black spot
on a pumping beating heart
long ago broken and cracked.
im lonely and floundering in
a world not my home
surrounded by fish
wishing to swallow me whole
im a barnacle on the bottom
of a dredging ship
making way for those
that come after me.
I don't know them
neither do they me
I am an invisible guide
not often thought about
if ever at all
but making way
for unknowing souls is what i do
Carry the burdens
of a black spot
on a pumping beating heart
long ago broken and cracked.
sometime in 2005 A poem found
Sparkles in the eyes that seep
sadness drown in the loneliness
of a heart lost at sea
tossing on the waves
searching
for the comfort of home
in a soul long lost
in the memory of a mind
depleted
yet their story rolls on the fields
of their seed~
I wrote this the first time I had to deal with my husband being gone for a military deployment. Not really sure what it means or what it meant other than I was dealing with loneliness. I think I am a lonely person. I hate being by myself because I feel alone. I think that has a lot to do with growing up with alcoholic parents that were often absent.
sadness drown in the loneliness
of a heart lost at sea
tossing on the waves
searching
for the comfort of home
in a soul long lost
in the memory of a mind
depleted
yet their story rolls on the fields
of their seed~
I wrote this the first time I had to deal with my husband being gone for a military deployment. Not really sure what it means or what it meant other than I was dealing with loneliness. I think I am a lonely person. I hate being by myself because I feel alone. I think that has a lot to do with growing up with alcoholic parents that were often absent.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Another one Bites the dust
So it happened today. The axe hit and I feel so much relief and glad to not have to worry about being fired. The saying there is a first for everything is true, and this was deffinately a day for that first. I don't want to say anything else negative about my FORMER boss but that I am glad I can say former instead of boss.
I am def. going to miss some of the customers but such is life I guess. On to new and brighter things.
I will admit I haven't dealt with all the emotions that are running around inside. I am just allowing myself to feel all of them. The most obvious is relief but I wont lie about not being slightly pissed off that he waited until an hour before the shift ended or that he just didn't do it on Saturday. I am also sad that I can say I have been fired. But it was a learning experience and an oprotunity to learn about myself. I learned that I am not a quitter! I don't always have to do what everyone wants me to do if I don't think it's right for me. I can stand up for myself and be fired with grace and gratitude. This job allowed me to see that I can look confrontation in the face and keep my head held high.
God is good and he always provides for his children. I am glad to be one of them.
I am def. going to miss some of the customers but such is life I guess. On to new and brighter things.
I will admit I haven't dealt with all the emotions that are running around inside. I am just allowing myself to feel all of them. The most obvious is relief but I wont lie about not being slightly pissed off that he waited until an hour before the shift ended or that he just didn't do it on Saturday. I am also sad that I can say I have been fired. But it was a learning experience and an oprotunity to learn about myself. I learned that I am not a quitter! I don't always have to do what everyone wants me to do if I don't think it's right for me. I can stand up for myself and be fired with grace and gratitude. This job allowed me to see that I can look confrontation in the face and keep my head held high.
God is good and he always provides for his children. I am glad to be one of them.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Random Artsie Pictures
Been trying to take some artsie type pictures and felt like sharing some of them.
Again I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to upload how i had them on the computer. grr. but I like the way the pictures look. especially the spooky winter night one
this is a pretty cool plant at work. but i can't figure out how to turn the pictures
The Christmas tree at work that no longer looks sad
Yay me
Just loved how the bank looked through the blinds
This is out the window Wednesday night with the lights out.
I love how spooky it looks
Same window with the flash on.
Again I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to upload how i had them on the computer. grr. but I like the way the pictures look. especially the spooky winter night one
black spores of death
so the appartment the man rented at first seemed quaint and cute. Little did we know that when the winter cold would set in we would be battling with crap tastic windows that leak air and moister. The crap windows also give us the problem of black mold.
YEP its all over most of the window sills and spreading down the wall where our bed was. I had to rearrange the room so that the stupid death spores wouldn't affect us too much while we slept waiting for the fix it guys from the management property.
The black spores of death also could be the contributing factor in the rise in asthma attacks and the nastastic eye infection that the bear has. Yes its a nasty nastastic infection; her eye is leaking this super gross green crap that pneumonia patients cough up, as well as looking like some mean jerk jabbed her in the eye. Poor kid.
I also made the mistake of watching Hoarders on netflix. I hate clutter but am an easy contributor to its collection. We still have many boxes to unpack from finally getting out stuff from storage after leaving the Army. Having a living room that has a tiny walk area and a space cleared out for the t.v. is really starting to make me feel like a hoarder myself. Can't forget to mention that we have quiet a few bags to take to good will or salvation army. The whole process of moving makes me want to get rid of everything and start fresh with NOTHING! Alas, I know that wont stop the process of accumulation. Guess it's just time to get off our duffs and go through crap and purge what we dont' want, need or will never miss.
Anyone need a bunch of boys clothes ranging in size 8 to 12? Or does anyone one know of a place that will come pick it up in the greater STL area?
YEP its all over most of the window sills and spreading down the wall where our bed was. I had to rearrange the room so that the stupid death spores wouldn't affect us too much while we slept waiting for the fix it guys from the management property.
The black spores of death also could be the contributing factor in the rise in asthma attacks and the nastastic eye infection that the bear has. Yes its a nasty nastastic infection; her eye is leaking this super gross green crap that pneumonia patients cough up, as well as looking like some mean jerk jabbed her in the eye. Poor kid.
I also made the mistake of watching Hoarders on netflix. I hate clutter but am an easy contributor to its collection. We still have many boxes to unpack from finally getting out stuff from storage after leaving the Army. Having a living room that has a tiny walk area and a space cleared out for the t.v. is really starting to make me feel like a hoarder myself. Can't forget to mention that we have quiet a few bags to take to good will or salvation army. The whole process of moving makes me want to get rid of everything and start fresh with NOTHING! Alas, I know that wont stop the process of accumulation. Guess it's just time to get off our duffs and go through crap and purge what we dont' want, need or will never miss.
Anyone need a bunch of boys clothes ranging in size 8 to 12? Or does anyone one know of a place that will come pick it up in the greater STL area?
Friday, December 17, 2010
I have to remind myself
What is said in the bible.
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
I am starting to wonder if the plans I have for myself are not the plans He has for me like I thought they were. Or maybe it is just that now is not the time. Maybe even that I have to work on my faith that he will provide like my husband suggested.
Thing is I know with out any doubt that God is going to care of us. He always has. I don't believe that he would bring to this point in my life and just leave me floundering, He may make me wait but he wont hang me out to dry until all has been exhausted and he finds no room to love me. but as long as I keep trying and moving forward in faith and love then I can't foresee him casting me off. I am trying very hard to not be luke warm and a bad taste in his mouth.
I just need a glass of water from his never flowing fountain to fill me up and quench my thirst and self doubt. I good long hug would be awesome too. I still feel the great need to cry but am trying soo hard not to. I don't want to be that weak. But maybe if I allowed myself the cry I would feel better and the weight and disappointment would fade away and I could move onto another thought train. currently I feel strapped to the tracks waiting for a rescue or a disaster.
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
I am starting to wonder if the plans I have for myself are not the plans He has for me like I thought they were. Or maybe it is just that now is not the time. Maybe even that I have to work on my faith that he will provide like my husband suggested.
Thing is I know with out any doubt that God is going to care of us. He always has. I don't believe that he would bring to this point in my life and just leave me floundering, He may make me wait but he wont hang me out to dry until all has been exhausted and he finds no room to love me. but as long as I keep trying and moving forward in faith and love then I can't foresee him casting me off. I am trying very hard to not be luke warm and a bad taste in his mouth.
I just need a glass of water from his never flowing fountain to fill me up and quench my thirst and self doubt. I good long hug would be awesome too. I still feel the great need to cry but am trying soo hard not to. I don't want to be that weak. But maybe if I allowed myself the cry I would feel better and the weight and disappointment would fade away and I could move onto another thought train. currently I feel strapped to the tracks waiting for a rescue or a disaster.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
deflated
it didn't go at all like i wanted to today. they didn't have the jobs i would take. and tried to bully me into taking something I KNEW would leave me misserable for 4-6 years.
I know everything happens in the times it is supposed to. HOWEVER that does not in anyway take away the deflated feeling, the frustration and the need to have a good cry from all the stress of standing my ground. I have refused to let myself cry because I dont' want to give them the satisfaction of making me a little girl ( even if that is what I am emotionally right now).
I sought wise councle and I almost didnt' listen to it. But in the end I did. I feel good for having done that but have a feeling maybe I should have just picked a job.
I am in serious need of a shower a back massage and a good nights sleep.
I really dont' want to return to Master Cleaners tomorrow.
I know everything happens in the times it is supposed to. HOWEVER that does not in anyway take away the deflated feeling, the frustration and the need to have a good cry from all the stress of standing my ground. I have refused to let myself cry because I dont' want to give them the satisfaction of making me a little girl ( even if that is what I am emotionally right now).
I sought wise councle and I almost didnt' listen to it. But in the end I did. I feel good for having done that but have a feeling maybe I should have just picked a job.
I am in serious need of a shower a back massage and a good nights sleep.
I really dont' want to return to Master Cleaners tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
it was a rough day
I am starting to feel a bit persecuted by my boss. It feels that no matter what I do, I am just not good enough, I always seem to do things wrong. If my coworker hadn't told my boss I was having a rough day with some personal issues, I would have been fired. I am very tired of being threatend with being fired. I want to just say, " Mr. C, this isn't working, this job just isn't the place for me, but I so appreciate that you gave me a job and allowed me to gain experience."
I know that it is simply my emotions talking. I am grateful to my friends that keep reminding me that this too shall pass and everything happens when it is supposed to. I am grateful that God is bigger than I am and its all in His hands and not my own. Had all this been in my own hands, I would have used choice words and told the dude where to stick his job. I would be gearing up for boot camp NEXT month instead of whenever I get on Thursday.
More than anything, I am so grateful that God gave me a husband that knows what I am going through with reguards to joining up. He keeps having to remind me that he too had to deal with the hoop jumping and that just whenyou think its done and you are ready to go, something else jumps in and says "OH NO YOU DON'T". He has been so supportive of me doing this, often times pushing me to do this so I can achieve my goals of being in the health industry, to taking care of those that need me and teaching my daughters that its ok to be a mom and a professional and to reach for your dreams. My husband knows what I am capable of and he knows that I often lack the self esteme to go out and get what it is that I need. He has seen me fight through the I can'ts and the I am going to fail and he has seen me in action of times of stress pick up our family by the scruff of our pants and get us back on track. Just as I have seen him.
God has truly blessed me in this life and I deeply wish to do well by that and give to him by giving to others even the slightest of what He has given to me.
I know that it is simply my emotions talking. I am grateful to my friends that keep reminding me that this too shall pass and everything happens when it is supposed to. I am grateful that God is bigger than I am and its all in His hands and not my own. Had all this been in my own hands, I would have used choice words and told the dude where to stick his job. I would be gearing up for boot camp NEXT month instead of whenever I get on Thursday.
More than anything, I am so grateful that God gave me a husband that knows what I am going through with reguards to joining up. He keeps having to remind me that he too had to deal with the hoop jumping and that just whenyou think its done and you are ready to go, something else jumps in and says "OH NO YOU DON'T". He has been so supportive of me doing this, often times pushing me to do this so I can achieve my goals of being in the health industry, to taking care of those that need me and teaching my daughters that its ok to be a mom and a professional and to reach for your dreams. My husband knows what I am capable of and he knows that I often lack the self esteme to go out and get what it is that I need. He has seen me fight through the I can'ts and the I am going to fail and he has seen me in action of times of stress pick up our family by the scruff of our pants and get us back on track. Just as I have seen him.
God has truly blessed me in this life and I deeply wish to do well by that and give to him by giving to others even the slightest of what He has given to me.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Oh What fun it is...
to get the date to go and pick my mos and sign a contract to become an American Soldier. I am so excited. It didn't start off to be a wonderful day, ( no I wont go into details so pls don't ask ). But my God took care to answer my prayers and hold me in his hand. I am soo excited and I cannot wait to have a date for boot camp.
Having a date will deff. help me get into the right mind frame of getting to PT ready condition. I am hoping for a March ship date. I am kind of hoping that I get to do boot camp in F.t. Leonard Wood. That place is beautiful in the spring and I'll be leaving before it gets too hot.
I hope that I can maintain a strong relationship or even develope a better one with God and my family while I go through this journey. I hope to come out a stronger woman that is more sure of herself and what is right and wrong. I want to be a woman my girls can look upto and want to be like. I want to be the woman my boys base their future relationships off of. I want to be the wife that can look at her husband and trully say, "I understand you more" or " I get what you are saying but I am not ok with that or this is what I think."
I am so excited for the future. The year is fast coming to a close and is ending on an up note. The new year is blowing in and blowing hope right in too.
Having a date will deff. help me get into the right mind frame of getting to PT ready condition. I am hoping for a March ship date. I am kind of hoping that I get to do boot camp in F.t. Leonard Wood. That place is beautiful in the spring and I'll be leaving before it gets too hot.
I hope that I can maintain a strong relationship or even develope a better one with God and my family while I go through this journey. I hope to come out a stronger woman that is more sure of herself and what is right and wrong. I want to be a woman my girls can look upto and want to be like. I want to be the woman my boys base their future relationships off of. I want to be the wife that can look at her husband and trully say, "I understand you more" or " I get what you are saying but I am not ok with that or this is what I think."
I am so excited for the future. The year is fast coming to a close and is ending on an up note. The new year is blowing in and blowing hope right in too.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
snow soccer
we played soccer today. Let me just say it was 19 degrees while we were playing. OH YEAH it was snowing a bit and the wind was blowing and there was already last nights snow on the ground.
I HATE COLD!!! I had fun playing but still my toes hurt. the girls didn't so much like being cold either. When we got in there hands were bright red and they were crying. I felt like a horrible mommy for allowing my husband to talk us into playing in such arctic conditions. But we need to keep active, for my sake.
Any way my blog friend created a blog about facts of himself and it leads me to want to do this for myself.
so how brutally honest should I be?... Hrm maybe just some little facts and if ya wanna know more I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.
1. I married my high school sweetheart nearly 13 years ago.
2. I am the mother of 4 awesome kids and people ask if I am my oldest son's sister.
3. I am joining the Army. I want to serve my country.
4. I want to be a nurse
5. It's easy to lose my identity when I am always trying to please and take care of everyone else.
6. I am the product of two alcoholics and am afraid I'll turn out just like them one day.
7. I want to have a ranch and open a No Kill Animal Shelter
8. I am still friends with my very first best friend from first grade.
9. My brother was engaged to my current best friend. and I am glad they didn't get married.
10. I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up but I like the idea of being a nurse
I HATE COLD!!! I had fun playing but still my toes hurt. the girls didn't so much like being cold either. When we got in there hands were bright red and they were crying. I felt like a horrible mommy for allowing my husband to talk us into playing in such arctic conditions. But we need to keep active, for my sake.
Any way my blog friend created a blog about facts of himself and it leads me to want to do this for myself.
so how brutally honest should I be?... Hrm maybe just some little facts and if ya wanna know more I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have.
1. I married my high school sweetheart nearly 13 years ago.
2. I am the mother of 4 awesome kids and people ask if I am my oldest son's sister.
3. I am joining the Army. I want to serve my country.
4. I want to be a nurse
5. It's easy to lose my identity when I am always trying to please and take care of everyone else.
6. I am the product of two alcoholics and am afraid I'll turn out just like them one day.
7. I want to have a ranch and open a No Kill Animal Shelter
8. I am still friends with my very first best friend from first grade.
9. My brother was engaged to my current best friend. and I am glad they didn't get married.
10. I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up but I like the idea of being a nurse
Friday, December 10, 2010
poor little tree
The Christmas tree was put up at work last night. I was actually surprised to see it when I came in. Its an almost sad sight to see. ( i'll show in a few).
It is a brilliant green with two different golden tinsle trims on it. An angle holds two candles at the top and it was strung with what could have been very beautiful twinkling lights. Only the bottom of the tree is lit up and twinkle pretty. The person who put the poor tree together did what they could, but this tree has a large section of ... well lets just say you can see the bar down the center that lets the wold know its not a real ever green tree.
The thing with the lights tho, that s bothersome. who wants to see a tree with only the very bottom lit up. It has no bows or ornaments on it. It is a work not yet finished, rushed to be put together to not seem a scrouge runs this place. I am now tempted to go out and buy ornaments to decorate it with. This is my work and not my home! I have to remind myself that it isn't my job to spend my own money on the store to make that tree look less sad.
Yes this tree is sad. It leans a little to the left in a moping kind of fashion. The angle sits atop in her special place looking as tho if the wind should blow she will tople to the ground and break.
That would not be a good thing. It would just be one more thing for the propriator of the store to yell at his lowly servants about.
But my heart says to cheer up this false ever green tree. how to do that tho with out breaking my own bank or ruining the thing?
our sad little friend
It is a brilliant green with two different golden tinsle trims on it. An angle holds two candles at the top and it was strung with what could have been very beautiful twinkling lights. Only the bottom of the tree is lit up and twinkle pretty. The person who put the poor tree together did what they could, but this tree has a large section of ... well lets just say you can see the bar down the center that lets the wold know its not a real ever green tree.
The thing with the lights tho, that s bothersome. who wants to see a tree with only the very bottom lit up. It has no bows or ornaments on it. It is a work not yet finished, rushed to be put together to not seem a scrouge runs this place. I am now tempted to go out and buy ornaments to decorate it with. This is my work and not my home! I have to remind myself that it isn't my job to spend my own money on the store to make that tree look less sad.
Yes this tree is sad. It leans a little to the left in a moping kind of fashion. The angle sits atop in her special place looking as tho if the wind should blow she will tople to the ground and break.
That would not be a good thing. It would just be one more thing for the propriator of the store to yell at his lowly servants about.
But my heart says to cheer up this false ever green tree. how to do that tho with out breaking my own bank or ruining the thing?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
just a few things
it felt really good to vent yesterday, i feel better i even talked and got it all sorted out.
second, if you see any movie please please see Love and Other Drugs. it was an awesome moving movie. It touched a few chords. My aunt had pd. and this movie was a little hard to handle. it was hilarious and at points extremely uncomfortable. I cannot express what its like to love someone you see become unable to do things for themself. My aunt was an amazing woman, strong and smart a hard worker that loved to cook and craft and be a ranchers wife. I miss her.
and on to something else good.. my feet are finally warm. I think it may be a miracle.
also im gonna send my mama some flowers. but i don't understand why it would cost 20 dollars just for a delivery fee. might have to ask my brother if i send him 40 bucks if he will go and get her some pretty flowers from the local florist.
second, if you see any movie please please see Love and Other Drugs. it was an awesome moving movie. It touched a few chords. My aunt had pd. and this movie was a little hard to handle. it was hilarious and at points extremely uncomfortable. I cannot express what its like to love someone you see become unable to do things for themself. My aunt was an amazing woman, strong and smart a hard worker that loved to cook and craft and be a ranchers wife. I miss her.
and on to something else good.. my feet are finally warm. I think it may be a miracle.
also im gonna send my mama some flowers. but i don't understand why it would cost 20 dollars just for a delivery fee. might have to ask my brother if i send him 40 bucks if he will go and get her some pretty flowers from the local florist.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
stuck in the middle of a mind rant
oh how sick i am of being in the middle. when she wants something and its been told that it isn't happening right now, she goes around him and comes to me as if i am not going to know that he wants stuff a certain way. esp. at his house. this isn't my house my name isn't on the lease and why push him when he has already told her he wants boundries and she keeps skipping over them. and then get up set at me when i suggest she ask him. granted he is my husband and this is my family but stop for the love of everything green putting me in a position that no matter what i do some one is going to be mad at me. and why on earth would i want HIM to be the one mad at me? He is the one i am trying to FIX my relationship with.
( tense shift. third is so hard for me so please note the you is not really you unless its you)
how do i go about being blunt and saying i know you love my kids but they are just that MINE and HIS not yours you can't treat them like they are yours. i know the situation is totally screwed right now and i technically live at your house because im not on the lease here but that doesn't make it ok. and then to tell me i use you. totally not true and yes i spend most days ( if you count three hours after work a day) here , but that is because my kids are here. and if i were using you, i wouldn't hang out with you, i wouldn't see if you need anything when im on the way to your house or if i am at the store.
wanna talk about being used, im being used to glean information and so you can feel like you have kids. that doesn't make me feel at all good to even think. besides did you tell me that i was the one the back burner because he was your friend?
i am feeling very negative and frustrated and i want to just go over and get all my stuff and live in a box than have to deal with this crap. i am 31 years old and i want to run away. running away is for teenagers. yet the drama that is circulating again ( after only a friggin week of yall talking again) is making me feel like im a teen ager in high school again.
lord please help me handle this in the right way that would show your glory because if i handle it my way it wont go well for anyone. and please let me go to boot camp already so i can have all of it stop for everyone involved.
( tense shift. third is so hard for me so please note the you is not really you unless its you)
how do i go about being blunt and saying i know you love my kids but they are just that MINE and HIS not yours you can't treat them like they are yours. i know the situation is totally screwed right now and i technically live at your house because im not on the lease here but that doesn't make it ok. and then to tell me i use you. totally not true and yes i spend most days ( if you count three hours after work a day) here , but that is because my kids are here. and if i were using you, i wouldn't hang out with you, i wouldn't see if you need anything when im on the way to your house or if i am at the store.
wanna talk about being used, im being used to glean information and so you can feel like you have kids. that doesn't make me feel at all good to even think. besides did you tell me that i was the one the back burner because he was your friend?
i am feeling very negative and frustrated and i want to just go over and get all my stuff and live in a box than have to deal with this crap. i am 31 years old and i want to run away. running away is for teenagers. yet the drama that is circulating again ( after only a friggin week of yall talking again) is making me feel like im a teen ager in high school again.
lord please help me handle this in the right way that would show your glory because if i handle it my way it wont go well for anyone. and please let me go to boot camp already so i can have all of it stop for everyone involved.
hiding undercover of quilts
i woke up and i simply want to go back to bed. i feel gross. got to work this am and seriously feel my stomache turning. i have that i know im gonna spew feeling at the base of my throaat. i don't know why i have this feeling i just do. its not good for me. i don't wanna get sick. and now because i feel so ... ick... i wonder if i should have followed the docs advice and gotten a flu shot. i have only ever had one flu shot and got the flu so much worse than had i gotten the flu normally, so i swore off the shots.
i pray that work today treats me kindly so that if i do have to relieve my gut via the opening i use to fill it, it wont be such a big deal. ( just re reading what i have written, wow that sounds nasty). mostly i want to stay under the covers and sleep until it is time for me to wake up naturally. i know, i know we don't always get to do the things we want to do, but i am allowed to dream and wish upon unseen starts.
so the temperature in this place always feels like its resting at 42 degrees even when the little extra spaace heater is blowing full force at my legs under the table. think it would be totally rediculous for me to wear my fuzzy warm gloves all day? hrm something to ponder on.
so for now i leave you beautiful souls that come across my random ramblings with a picture of the clothes rack. have a beautifully joyous and blessed day.
i pray that work today treats me kindly so that if i do have to relieve my gut via the opening i use to fill it, it wont be such a big deal. ( just re reading what i have written, wow that sounds nasty). mostly i want to stay under the covers and sleep until it is time for me to wake up naturally. i know, i know we don't always get to do the things we want to do, but i am allowed to dream and wish upon unseen starts.
so the temperature in this place always feels like its resting at 42 degrees even when the little extra spaace heater is blowing full force at my legs under the table. think it would be totally rediculous for me to wear my fuzzy warm gloves all day? hrm something to ponder on.
so for now i leave you beautiful souls that come across my random ramblings with a picture of the clothes rack. have a beautifully joyous and blessed day.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
pondering on the heat of things
so is it too much to ask that i be warm? this year the cold is a bitter biter that leaves me feeling raw and pained. im at work ( yes i have a lot of down time here) and im wearing wool socks but my feet are still cold. OH let me not forget to mention that i have a space heater on full blast infront of my toes too. im wearing an undershirt a wool turtle neck sweater and an Army sweat shirt and I still feel the cold sinking its teeth into my glow in the dark skin. At this point I am seriously hoping boot camp ins in Fort Jackson. Oh how I dream of the heat and humidity. Knowing my luck, I'll get stuck at Fort Leonard Wood for boot camp. It has its pros tho. I know for certain I will not be lonely at graduation.
I never in a million years thought I would ever say this but. DANG if I don't miss the mosquitos. Mosquitos mean warmth and sunshiny days and fire flies and no mean bitter biting cold. Mosquitos mean that I can sleep with out ten million blankets on top of me. The sadness is , that the cold season has only JUST begun and that means it is only going to get worse before it gets better. Lord be with me and give me wamth in the days ahead. I am afraid I may freeze todeath.
I never in a million years thought I would ever say this but. DANG if I don't miss the mosquitos. Mosquitos mean warmth and sunshiny days and fire flies and no mean bitter biting cold. Mosquitos mean that I can sleep with out ten million blankets on top of me. The sadness is , that the cold season has only JUST begun and that means it is only going to get worse before it gets better. Lord be with me and give me wamth in the days ahead. I am afraid I may freeze todeath.
Monday, December 6, 2010
descriptions amidst the fog
I was reading the blog of a friend of a friend today and was blown away by his account of the goings on in his life. He used images, I mean words, in a way that made me feel like I was there. I could see the way he looked up at the sky and searched for the familiar shapes that make out the constilations with out the pollution of city lights.
I am reminded of the beauty of visiting my grandmother, aunt and uncle on their ranch in the summers. It was a place to get away from the chaos that was my home life and live the life of a rancher. We used to stand along the fense and wait for K.C., my uncles quarter horse to come along. She was a beautiful horse! The rusty red of her coat with the white star on her head between her eyes. Wild and free, never having been broken, she used to come to the fence and let us rub her and feed her sugar cubes and carrots. It used to be my dream to be the one to ride her first. She used to run along the fence in a race with my brother and I when we came to visit. It felt almost like she missed us while we were gone.
One of my favorite things to do at the ranch was to go for long walks in the pasture with my Aunt. She would teach us about the different types of plants that grew and she showed us how to dye wool with the indian paintbrushes that were wildly rampant. She used to have chickens and she taught me how to get the ges with out the hens going insane. You sneak your hand in ever so gently and scoop out the egg.
I was given a love of the land on that ranch. The wind would blow and howl right along with the cyotes in a song of happy loneliness and maybe even contentment. The way the sun would glitter in its wonderful brilliant shades to wake me up way before I ever wanted to get up.
My grandmother taught me how to crochet and do needle point in the evenings when I wasn't being a crazy little kid enjoying the lack of alcoholic parents. She sheilded us from the rages of fights that often occured at home by allowing us to stay with her at my Aunt and Uncles ranch.
I can still picture the tumble weeds dancing in their own way down the road to meet the mail person. and making "christmas trees" out of them.
The ranch has long gone passed hands from my uncle into who else knows. But its stuck in my heart and in my memories . Its there and when I think about it I feel a calm and smell the dusty earth and the many tulips and iris flowers that were planted in the garden. The taste of the sweet and juicy strawberries fill my mouth and make it water.
I am reminded of the beauty of visiting my grandmother, aunt and uncle on their ranch in the summers. It was a place to get away from the chaos that was my home life and live the life of a rancher. We used to stand along the fense and wait for K.C., my uncles quarter horse to come along. She was a beautiful horse! The rusty red of her coat with the white star on her head between her eyes. Wild and free, never having been broken, she used to come to the fence and let us rub her and feed her sugar cubes and carrots. It used to be my dream to be the one to ride her first. She used to run along the fence in a race with my brother and I when we came to visit. It felt almost like she missed us while we were gone.
One of my favorite things to do at the ranch was to go for long walks in the pasture with my Aunt. She would teach us about the different types of plants that grew and she showed us how to dye wool with the indian paintbrushes that were wildly rampant. She used to have chickens and she taught me how to get the ges with out the hens going insane. You sneak your hand in ever so gently and scoop out the egg.
I was given a love of the land on that ranch. The wind would blow and howl right along with the cyotes in a song of happy loneliness and maybe even contentment. The way the sun would glitter in its wonderful brilliant shades to wake me up way before I ever wanted to get up.
My grandmother taught me how to crochet and do needle point in the evenings when I wasn't being a crazy little kid enjoying the lack of alcoholic parents. She sheilded us from the rages of fights that often occured at home by allowing us to stay with her at my Aunt and Uncles ranch.
I can still picture the tumble weeds dancing in their own way down the road to meet the mail person. and making "christmas trees" out of them.
The ranch has long gone passed hands from my uncle into who else knows. But its stuck in my heart and in my memories . Its there and when I think about it I feel a calm and smell the dusty earth and the many tulips and iris flowers that were planted in the garden. The taste of the sweet and juicy strawberries fill my mouth and make it water.
symphonies of bodies mingling
i stand alone
in a crowded room
my thoughts drifting
on the notes of
voices unfamiliar
to untrained my ear.
standing in the corner
the passersby take no notice
of my illuminating eyes
they hear not the echos
of my tone of words
I am just a whisper
in the percussion of the drumming
symphonies of bodies mingling
at this soul sloshing mixer.
I am alone
in a crowded room
my thoughts drifting
on the notes of
voices unfamiliar
to untrained my ear.
standing in the corner
the passersby take no notice
of my illuminating eyes
they hear not the echos
of my tone of words
I am just a whisper
in the percussion of the drumming
symphonies of bodies mingling
at this soul sloshing mixer.
I am alone
Thursday, December 2, 2010
to wish upon a shooting star
I am thinking about things I would love love love to do.
I want to walk along the beach not at sunset but at dawn. I want to feel the sand slide through my toes as the waves pull it out to see. To watch the sky slowly lighten the night to day. The colors growing from cold dark of deep blue its almost black to the purple. I want to feel the oranges and reds and hot pinks slip into the warm melinan egniting yellow of an early summer day. To pick up the first sea shell I see and hold it tightly in my palm to remember the day's birth.
I haven't sat on the beach with a pad and a pen to write and listen to the waves sing lullabyes to a tormented soul since I was 17. I haven't hug a moat for the castle and my feet to trap the ocean with my children. We've never held hands and run to the waters of the Atlantic, not all four of them together at least.
I wonder what it is like to see the expressions on their faces as we tour another country and to see the grief of home too far away with its creature comforts that we have become so accustome to. I want to see the impact that another culture will have on the shaping of their future selves. I wonder about the appreciations they will have when they are grown with families of their own.
It's funny because I wonder what it iwll be like to live with my husband in a house void of children. Will we wish they were still small or will we rejoice at the freedom we will have.
The thing i wish for the most is to beable to look back at my life for contentment and joy.
I want to walk along the beach not at sunset but at dawn. I want to feel the sand slide through my toes as the waves pull it out to see. To watch the sky slowly lighten the night to day. The colors growing from cold dark of deep blue its almost black to the purple. I want to feel the oranges and reds and hot pinks slip into the warm melinan egniting yellow of an early summer day. To pick up the first sea shell I see and hold it tightly in my palm to remember the day's birth.
I haven't sat on the beach with a pad and a pen to write and listen to the waves sing lullabyes to a tormented soul since I was 17. I haven't hug a moat for the castle and my feet to trap the ocean with my children. We've never held hands and run to the waters of the Atlantic, not all four of them together at least.
I wonder what it is like to see the expressions on their faces as we tour another country and to see the grief of home too far away with its creature comforts that we have become so accustome to. I want to see the impact that another culture will have on the shaping of their future selves. I wonder about the appreciations they will have when they are grown with families of their own.
It's funny because I wonder what it iwll be like to live with my husband in a house void of children. Will we wish they were still small or will we rejoice at the freedom we will have.
The thing i wish for the most is to beable to look back at my life for contentment and joy.
because my Daddy sent this to me and it means a lot
Unless you are a military family you might not realize the sacrifice these men and women make and their families..Please read this and reflect especially at this time of year...Happy Thanksgiving!
The Sack Lunch
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a
good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled
all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a
conversation.
'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
we're being deployed to Afghanistan
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours
before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help
pass the time...
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he
planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a
sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we
get to base.'
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked
to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar
bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and
squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was
a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers
were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best
- beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from
first class.
'This is your thanks..'
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,
take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on
my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held
out his hand and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening
my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice
he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone
bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was
embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting
just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something
in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.
Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
to the base.
I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will
take you some time to reach the base.. It will be about time for a
sandwich.
God Bless You.'
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
fellow travelers.
As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe
return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could
only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to
and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
longer understand it.'
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy list....
I JUST DID
Let us pray...
Prayer chain for our Military... Don't break it!
Please send this on after a short prayer.. Prayer for our soldiers
Don't break it!
Prayer:
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they
protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they
perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'
Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say
a prayer for our troops around the world.
There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address
book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a
Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way,
prayer is the very best one.
The Sack Lunch
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a
good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled
all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a
conversation.
'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
we're being deployed to Afghanistan
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours
before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help
pass the time...
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he
planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a
sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we
get to base.'
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked
to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar
bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and
squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was
a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers
were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best
- beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from
first class.
'This is your thanks..'
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,
take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on
my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held
out his hand and said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening
my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice
he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone
bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was
embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting
just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something
in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.
Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
to the base.
I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will
take you some time to reach the base.. It will be about time for a
sandwich.
God Bless You.'
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
fellow travelers.
As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe
return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could
only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to
and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
longer understand it.'
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy list....
I JUST DID
Let us pray...
Prayer chain for our Military... Don't break it!
Please send this on after a short prayer.. Prayer for our soldiers
Don't break it!
Prayer:
'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they
protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they
perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'
Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say
a prayer for our troops around the world.
There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address
book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a
Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, & others deployed in harm's way,
prayer is the very best one.
In the Foot Hills of the Caucus Mountains
I am at work and I just spent and hour and 30 minutes stapling shoulder guards together. I caught a rhythm
fold fold fold fold tuck staple, fold fold fold fold tuch staple, fold fold fold fold tuck staple. Amazingly I happened to be mid tuck and staple when the bosses wife came in. She smiled at me. I must toss in that I was also watching Life on dvd amid the fold fold fold fold tuck staple. She smiled and I felt good. I was being productive with my time. She picked up the same day clothes for Mr. Leiber. ( He is the coolest Savant EvEver). She told me have a good day ane left.
I am taking a break from the folding tuck and stapling of the cardboard shoulder guards to spy into the life of people online. I am a voyuerist social extravert trapped in a job with not enough people to be extroverted with, so the spying into the lives of computer people helps me feel somewhat ... oh what is the word... alive I guess but that isn't quite right either. Anyway I ramble from the point of poetic drunkenness of my poest.
One of my long time friends is spending time in the Foot hills of the Caucus Mountains teaching English to a bunch of Georgian kids that don't really value the gift they are being given. She talks about the beauty of the country she is in and the experience of stepping in dung in panty hosed bare feet and being drunk on wine and gazing at the dark blue black sky speckled with glitter that are stars so many millions of miles away . She speaks in a poetic language that brings me to the place where she is and was and will soon leave. I see her lying in the yard in a hooded sweatshirt and the paws of a dog named Bobby resting on her arm as she is thinking of the beauty that she has been gifted to see and experience even if it doesn't turn out quite right, the way she imagined it would be.
She gets to pass down to her son the passing of her time there with stories of walking 30 minutes to a school through the thick mud in slip on shoes that get stuck only to end up crying becuase no one cared enough to show up to class not even thinking of the sacrifice she makes being there to teach them a new language.
She spoke of the chicken soup that was really pepper soup and I can taste the peppery chicken broth in my mouth and feel the warm liquid slide down to my belly and make me warm as I am sitting in this very cold ( to me anyway) processing center of Master Cleaners.
I am brought to a place of hope and encouragement that I will get to enjoy the beauty and even the devistation of the world that we were placed on. I'll one day get to lay at the base of some mountains and look up and say I got to do this here, where ever that Here is. I can say I got paid to watch movies and learn the secrets of strangers while I worked at a Dry Cleaners. I think in the last few days I have learned more about myself than I have in a long long time. I learned that just because something is not the way I want it to be doesn't mean that I , N. Lea have to run away from it. I can take with me that every time my boss has yelled at me and let me know he is disappointed in my performance , that I took what he said and I worked to change those things in myself to become a better worker, I , N. Lea, did NOT give up . I kept going. When I think of it like that, I can apply this to my life in all areas , the parts of motherhood that I struggle with and continue to try improving and the way I love my Husband and the way I continue to ask God to allow me a willing heart to be improved, always returning to him when I have turned away from him.
The other day I posted about how I feel defeated but I want to climb the bean stalk. My wonderful mentor Carol reminded me of the giant that waits. Today, I am not afraid of that giant that stands ready at the top of the Caucus Mountains Bean Stalk. I can look back and see that I have overcome so many things most people would have waived the white flag of surrender. I am not waiving that flag, there will be no mark of the beast on my flesh that says in the end I gave up.
Amber Gruszeczka hasn't given up, She too has reminded herself that she can say I did that in the Foot Hills of the Caucus Mountains and take the beauty with her when she returns home from teaching English in the Republic of Georgia.
fold fold fold fold tuck staple, fold fold fold fold tuch staple, fold fold fold fold tuck staple. Amazingly I happened to be mid tuck and staple when the bosses wife came in. She smiled at me. I must toss in that I was also watching Life on dvd amid the fold fold fold fold tuck staple. She smiled and I felt good. I was being productive with my time. She picked up the same day clothes for Mr. Leiber. ( He is the coolest Savant EvEver). She told me have a good day ane left.
I am taking a break from the folding tuck and stapling of the cardboard shoulder guards to spy into the life of people online. I am a voyuerist social extravert trapped in a job with not enough people to be extroverted with, so the spying into the lives of computer people helps me feel somewhat ... oh what is the word... alive I guess but that isn't quite right either. Anyway I ramble from the point of poetic drunkenness of my poest.
One of my long time friends is spending time in the Foot hills of the Caucus Mountains teaching English to a bunch of Georgian kids that don't really value the gift they are being given. She talks about the beauty of the country she is in and the experience of stepping in dung in panty hosed bare feet and being drunk on wine and gazing at the dark blue black sky speckled with glitter that are stars so many millions of miles away . She speaks in a poetic language that brings me to the place where she is and was and will soon leave. I see her lying in the yard in a hooded sweatshirt and the paws of a dog named Bobby resting on her arm as she is thinking of the beauty that she has been gifted to see and experience even if it doesn't turn out quite right, the way she imagined it would be.
She gets to pass down to her son the passing of her time there with stories of walking 30 minutes to a school through the thick mud in slip on shoes that get stuck only to end up crying becuase no one cared enough to show up to class not even thinking of the sacrifice she makes being there to teach them a new language.
She spoke of the chicken soup that was really pepper soup and I can taste the peppery chicken broth in my mouth and feel the warm liquid slide down to my belly and make me warm as I am sitting in this very cold ( to me anyway) processing center of Master Cleaners.
I am brought to a place of hope and encouragement that I will get to enjoy the beauty and even the devistation of the world that we were placed on. I'll one day get to lay at the base of some mountains and look up and say I got to do this here, where ever that Here is. I can say I got paid to watch movies and learn the secrets of strangers while I worked at a Dry Cleaners. I think in the last few days I have learned more about myself than I have in a long long time. I learned that just because something is not the way I want it to be doesn't mean that I , N. Lea have to run away from it. I can take with me that every time my boss has yelled at me and let me know he is disappointed in my performance , that I took what he said and I worked to change those things in myself to become a better worker, I , N. Lea, did NOT give up . I kept going. When I think of it like that, I can apply this to my life in all areas , the parts of motherhood that I struggle with and continue to try improving and the way I love my Husband and the way I continue to ask God to allow me a willing heart to be improved, always returning to him when I have turned away from him.
The other day I posted about how I feel defeated but I want to climb the bean stalk. My wonderful mentor Carol reminded me of the giant that waits. Today, I am not afraid of that giant that stands ready at the top of the Caucus Mountains Bean Stalk. I can look back and see that I have overcome so many things most people would have waived the white flag of surrender. I am not waiving that flag, there will be no mark of the beast on my flesh that says in the end I gave up.
Amber Gruszeczka hasn't given up, She too has reminded herself that she can say I did that in the Foot Hills of the Caucus Mountains and take the beauty with her when she returns home from teaching English in the Republic of Georgia.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
the bean stalk i'll climb
So it seems that I am struggling lately with positive out looks. Work seems to bring me down when I am faced daily with the things that I am not doing to the perfection that I want and that my boss wants. It's disheartening when I think I am doing better only to be told " I am losing patience with you, You are driving me crazy." or when my willingness to work is called into question. It makes it very difficult not to allow my frustration to make me cry infront of my accuser. It makes me angry.
I have to remember to lay it all at my father's feet and be willing to be sharpened by his stone and fire. I know he gave me this job and I know that he is providing for me. He only disciplines those that he loves. I am being disciplined because he loves me. He wants me to learn things at this position to take on to the next one. It's hard to keep it all in perspective.
I just want to be willing to be open to change and to be a true light to the goodness that is God. I want to stop doing it for me and do it all for him.
I have to remember to lay it all at my father's feet and be willing to be sharpened by his stone and fire. I know he gave me this job and I know that he is providing for me. He only disciplines those that he loves. I am being disciplined because he loves me. He wants me to learn things at this position to take on to the next one. It's hard to keep it all in perspective.
I just want to be willing to be open to change and to be a true light to the goodness that is God. I want to stop doing it for me and do it all for him.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
dealing with guilt
so.. I am guilty of not protecting the innocent because I didn't want to deal with what was done to me. Not once not twice but many times in my life. I have hidden it and run from it. written poetry about it. Woken in the middle of the night from the hands that are not there.
I have hidden so much of it that I don't even have whole memories of it at young ages that it happened. I remember the first time tho, I was 4. He was baby sitting us and instead of tucking me in like he should have or stayed out of my room like he should have, he did other things.
I was 5 and a different him came into the bathroom when I was in there. I don't remember him, not his face or his hands or what clothes he was wearing. I was five and he is now a blurr as if I have no glasses on.
There were other times by other men. All left to take care of me. people but incharge of my safety by parents that couldn't be bothered with it themselves.
The last time I was 12. I spent the night to baby sit early the next morning. Only I didn't cause he quit his job so he could stay at the house and touch me while I slept after watching his filth. I woke up to pain and feeling gross. I stayed there lying still hoping and wishing it wasn't happening again. I knew it was wrong what he was doing. But I couldn't bring myself to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Those children I was left to take care of , children that I love I didn't take care of them.
How do I deal with that guilt ? How do I cope with the anger that those people hurt me enough that I could allow them to hurt others? How do I ask for forgiveness for such a sick crime?
I have hidden so much of it that I don't even have whole memories of it at young ages that it happened. I remember the first time tho, I was 4. He was baby sitting us and instead of tucking me in like he should have or stayed out of my room like he should have, he did other things.
I was 5 and a different him came into the bathroom when I was in there. I don't remember him, not his face or his hands or what clothes he was wearing. I was five and he is now a blurr as if I have no glasses on.
There were other times by other men. All left to take care of me. people but incharge of my safety by parents that couldn't be bothered with it themselves.
The last time I was 12. I spent the night to baby sit early the next morning. Only I didn't cause he quit his job so he could stay at the house and touch me while I slept after watching his filth. I woke up to pain and feeling gross. I stayed there lying still hoping and wishing it wasn't happening again. I knew it was wrong what he was doing. But I couldn't bring myself to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Those children I was left to take care of , children that I love I didn't take care of them.
How do I deal with that guilt ? How do I cope with the anger that those people hurt me enough that I could allow them to hurt others? How do I ask for forgiveness for such a sick crime?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
just another day
It was so gray yesterday, I thought I was turning into the gray fuzz that appears on the t.v. when the cable is out. Back in the old days when you could get free t.v. with an antenna. You know, the kind that showed fuzzy pictures and warbled sound if you didn't have the antenna in just the precise placement or if you didn't hold it with tinfoil wrapped around it. A discombobulated mass of picture and sound. That was how I felt walking around in the cold of my own skin and the over cast skies in a leaveless fall.
The not unhappy or happy feeling of being. I wanted to curl onto the couch and hybernate into the very deepest corner cocooned in my favorite itchy wool blanket ( sweater and sweat shirts piled on for added measures) and drift off until the warmth of late spring roused me.Tthe cold does that to me, makes me wish for a deep and peaceful sleep like the bears. It was just the same this morning. Nestled comfortably under the covers next to the heater that is my husband seriously makes it hard to get up when the alarm goes off at 6 in the morning and start the day. But I am thankful that I am able to be warmed and snuggled by the man that God gifted to me.
I simply wish I could enjoy the seasons of cold like children do. Being too cold carries some small amounts physical painful for me. I do enjoy the look of the earth as it is blanketed in fresh fallen sheets and quilts of untouched snow. The sound of the kids laughing and playing in it is also heart filling. I enjoy the manual labor that takes place with my son when he and I shovel the snow together.
This year will be different on that department as we live in a place where we don't have to shovel the powder into giant piles. I wonder if he will miss that time with me. As much as I dislike being cold, I loved the physical exersion it takes to plow through the snow that cakes the side walks and the drive. I am starting to think it is because it brings with it the promise of a large, very LARGE cup of cocoa with whipped cream and a hot shower. ( I am a fool for a good hot shower ). Or maybe its when I get to be the one to start the war of snowballs by shoveling the snow onto his head. I think this is going to be the last winter I will be taller than him. 12 is bringing on the changes in my little boy.
He is not yet a teen ager but deffinately not a little guy anymore. He measures himself against me at least three times a week anxious for the day he can say he is taller than me. I am not sure I am looking forward to that day, the day my first born realizes he is bigger than his mother. It is kind of a scary, happy, sad thing to think about, the growing up of our kids. I am very lucky though, in that he still hugs me and kisses me infront of his friends and that he still curls up next to me on the couch when we watch movies. He is a heater like his daddy. He keeps me warm and fuzzy inside with love.
My cup seriously runneth over with blessings. I don't even know that I deserve them, but take them gratefully.
The not unhappy or happy feeling of being. I wanted to curl onto the couch and hybernate into the very deepest corner cocooned in my favorite itchy wool blanket ( sweater and sweat shirts piled on for added measures) and drift off until the warmth of late spring roused me.Tthe cold does that to me, makes me wish for a deep and peaceful sleep like the bears. It was just the same this morning. Nestled comfortably under the covers next to the heater that is my husband seriously makes it hard to get up when the alarm goes off at 6 in the morning and start the day. But I am thankful that I am able to be warmed and snuggled by the man that God gifted to me.
I simply wish I could enjoy the seasons of cold like children do. Being too cold carries some small amounts physical painful for me. I do enjoy the look of the earth as it is blanketed in fresh fallen sheets and quilts of untouched snow. The sound of the kids laughing and playing in it is also heart filling. I enjoy the manual labor that takes place with my son when he and I shovel the snow together.
This year will be different on that department as we live in a place where we don't have to shovel the powder into giant piles. I wonder if he will miss that time with me. As much as I dislike being cold, I loved the physical exersion it takes to plow through the snow that cakes the side walks and the drive. I am starting to think it is because it brings with it the promise of a large, very LARGE cup of cocoa with whipped cream and a hot shower. ( I am a fool for a good hot shower ). Or maybe its when I get to be the one to start the war of snowballs by shoveling the snow onto his head. I think this is going to be the last winter I will be taller than him. 12 is bringing on the changes in my little boy.
He is not yet a teen ager but deffinately not a little guy anymore. He measures himself against me at least three times a week anxious for the day he can say he is taller than me. I am not sure I am looking forward to that day, the day my first born realizes he is bigger than his mother. It is kind of a scary, happy, sad thing to think about, the growing up of our kids. I am very lucky though, in that he still hugs me and kisses me infront of his friends and that he still curls up next to me on the couch when we watch movies. He is a heater like his daddy. He keeps me warm and fuzzy inside with love.
My cup seriously runneth over with blessings. I don't even know that I deserve them, but take them gratefully.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Veterans Day
My simpe message today is simply THANK YOU to al that served and are surving and have lost and will lose their lives for the freedoms that we have today. You have no idea how grateful I am for your sacrifices. You inspire me to do better and serve my country and my God more faithfully. You are not forgotten.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Funerals and Protest
funerals and protests
I don't care what you believe about gay people if its a sin or not. Because God told me "let ye who is with out sin cast the first stone." I believe there is something about love the sinner and not the sin. But to protest at a SOLDIERS funural is dispicable to me. You are hurting not that brave man or woman that died fighting for a country that he or she believed in but those people that love him. How can you claim to be a "Little CHRIST" if you are demanding death to people and are not treating people how you wish to be treated, if you are not loving your enemy as yourself because it is easy to love your brother?
How 'bout what it says in Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" This one comes often to my mind when I catch myself being Judgemental. Would I want God, My loving and faithful Father to judge me the way inwhich I am judging this person? The answer is ALWAYS "NO!!!!!" Who would want to be judged by those standards? I have found we often get upset when we are judged but we don't give it ten seconds thought when we are the one doing this crime.
Anyway, I am writing this blog because I am sickened to my core that people think it is ok to protest at anyone's funural. And yet I am given a ray of hope when scanning the news and see that St. Charles county is telling the ACLU to suck it! ( know I know I shouldn't feel or think , talk or type that but its what I am feeling) with reguards to the courts saying it is unconstitutional to ban protesting at funurals. Manly because of that Church in Kansas or some place that goes all over the country protesting at the funurals of fallen soldiers because our country is accepting of gay people and that the death of every soldier is what happens when you go against God. here is a link to the story I am refering to : the news artical
But like I said before, God doesn't want us to be like this! HE wants us to promote love! Because when we love we are showing the world HIS MIGHTY UNFAILING LOVE!!!!
I pray that the world opens up their eyes and sees His truth that it is HIS job to provide judgement and punishments not ours!
I don't care what you believe about gay people if its a sin or not. Because God told me "let ye who is with out sin cast the first stone." I believe there is something about love the sinner and not the sin. But to protest at a SOLDIERS funural is dispicable to me. You are hurting not that brave man or woman that died fighting for a country that he or she believed in but those people that love him. How can you claim to be a "Little CHRIST" if you are demanding death to people and are not treating people how you wish to be treated, if you are not loving your enemy as yourself because it is easy to love your brother?
How 'bout what it says in Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" This one comes often to my mind when I catch myself being Judgemental. Would I want God, My loving and faithful Father to judge me the way inwhich I am judging this person? The answer is ALWAYS "NO!!!!!" Who would want to be judged by those standards? I have found we often get upset when we are judged but we don't give it ten seconds thought when we are the one doing this crime.
Anyway, I am writing this blog because I am sickened to my core that people think it is ok to protest at anyone's funural. And yet I am given a ray of hope when scanning the news and see that St. Charles county is telling the ACLU to suck it! ( know I know I shouldn't feel or think , talk or type that but its what I am feeling) with reguards to the courts saying it is unconstitutional to ban protesting at funurals. Manly because of that Church in Kansas or some place that goes all over the country protesting at the funurals of fallen soldiers because our country is accepting of gay people and that the death of every soldier is what happens when you go against God. here is a link to the story I am refering to : the news artical
But like I said before, God doesn't want us to be like this! HE wants us to promote love! Because when we love we are showing the world HIS MIGHTY UNFAILING LOVE!!!!
I pray that the world opens up their eyes and sees His truth that it is HIS job to provide judgement and punishments not ours!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Letters to God
The title of todays note comes from the movie of the same title. Im not far into the movie but feel the need to pause and make note of how I have often thought of writing a journal and having it be nothing but letters to my Father. I wonder if it would help me deal with things that I struggle with or if it would even matter as he already knows the things I think and have hidden in my heart. Even if those things are not technically hidden, just things I choose not to tell peope. I some times choose not to write the notes because I find myself talking to him, (even if it's just in my head). Does talking to Him in my head even count?
Is it weird that I find it a bit selfish when I talk to God? I mean it seems like I ramble on and on and sometimes repeat what it is I have said or am saying. Isn't there a passage where it tells us not to ramble because he finds it offensive? I'll have to find it and research it. But back to the selfishness of talking to him. I talk so much sometimes that I don't hear what he is saying. I think that goes hand in hand with not reading his words as often as I know I should. I need to put more effort into that portion of our relationship.
Now that I think of this title, I may just create a blog of nothing but letters to Him. A simple plaine update every day.
Is it weird that I find it a bit selfish when I talk to God? I mean it seems like I ramble on and on and sometimes repeat what it is I have said or am saying. Isn't there a passage where it tells us not to ramble because he finds it offensive? I'll have to find it and research it. But back to the selfishness of talking to him. I talk so much sometimes that I don't hear what he is saying. I think that goes hand in hand with not reading his words as often as I know I should. I need to put more effort into that portion of our relationship.
Now that I think of this title, I may just create a blog of nothing but letters to Him. A simple plaine update every day.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Says it all
He is awesome He knows what we need and he provides. When we admit we are weak but have faith He will come through he does. I am grateful.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
its a day
i watched the sky go from sunny to dark gray. It made me feel sad and hopeless today and uncertain about the future. I can usually talk myself out of these moods and today I feel as tho I failed. Today, I wanted to stay in bed curled up next to my husband safe in his arms and warm. But I had to get up and I had to go to work. I didn't want to.
Why do I want to cry and just be alone and not alone at the same time. It doesn't make sense I know but that is where I am right now.
I fully believe that God will pick me up and cradle me like a good Daddy does when his daughter just feels sad about nothing . I just wish winter and the cold didn't make me feel down and bruised deep inside like my soul was being beaten to make me want to sleep until I feel better.
Why do I want to cry and just be alone and not alone at the same time. It doesn't make sense I know but that is where I am right now.
I fully believe that God will pick me up and cradle me like a good Daddy does when his daughter just feels sad about nothing . I just wish winter and the cold didn't make me feel down and bruised deep inside like my soul was being beaten to make me want to sleep until I feel better.
Monday, November 1, 2010
He knew me first
So I am reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and am struck by how insignificant my love for God has been.
Reading Jeremiah ( my favorite book in the bible) and I am smacked by how Great God is. Check this out
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
What do you think about when you read that? I have read this scripture many many times and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It is most hard to fathom at times that He knew me. Scratch that , that he KNOWS me. even before he placed me in my mother's belly to grow and be nurtured. He knew / knows every mistake I've made and will make. All the hurts that I will go through in my whole life and the hurts that I will give others. He gave me my strengths ( even the ones I don't know about) and the weaknesses too.
That part that I find hardest to comprehend is that he LOVES me, really really LOVES ME KNOWING ALL OF THIS!!!
Knowing this and reading it again always brings me back to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you Says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
THAT is the kind of God we have. He has this plan for all of us. It is simply up to us to accept his plan.
Reading Jeremiah ( my favorite book in the bible) and I am smacked by how Great God is. Check this out
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
What do you think about when you read that? I have read this scripture many many times and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It is most hard to fathom at times that He knew me. Scratch that , that he KNOWS me. even before he placed me in my mother's belly to grow and be nurtured. He knew / knows every mistake I've made and will make. All the hurts that I will go through in my whole life and the hurts that I will give others. He gave me my strengths ( even the ones I don't know about) and the weaknesses too.
That part that I find hardest to comprehend is that he LOVES me, really really LOVES ME KNOWING ALL OF THIS!!!
Knowing this and reading it again always brings me back to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you Says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
THAT is the kind of God we have. He has this plan for all of us. It is simply up to us to accept his plan.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween and Parental Hypocracy
So here it is Halloween 2010 and I am still bothered by the fact people wont let us just be the parents we want to be. We don't celebrate Halloween or Christmas or Easter or Birthdays. The only "holiday" we celebrate would be our Anniversary. It is the time that we became a family united. Sure we had our son 4 days before we got married but that is the day we were official legal and binding and covenant made one with each other and one with God.
See we don't do Halloween because we spend so much time educating our kids how important is it to NOT talk to strangers or to take candy from them. So why in all the world and for the love of everything green, are we going to take our children one night a year to the strangers' houses and ASK them for candy? What are we teaching our kids?
This brings us to Christmas and "Santa". We dont' celebrate Christmas for several reasons. Christ never asked us to remember his birth. Don't get me wrong it is important to remember the awesomeness of God and the fulfilling of His prophecies. But GOD didn't have a fat white man in a ared suit with a belly full of jello slide down my chiminey to give me gifts. WAIT, what would you DO if a fat white man slid down your chiminey into your house while you and your children were sleeping? What if you woke up to a fat white man in your livingroom while your sweet cherrished gift from God was sleeping on your couch ? Yeah and then that brings we teach our children not to lie that God hates lying and that lying destroys trust. SO WHY IN ALL THE WORLD are you going to lie to your child about a man that comes Christmas eve to give "good" boys and girls gifts. The real good boys and girls are already given a gift. OH WAIT so are the "bad" boys and girls, the most precious gift was that a son was born from God to a virgin so that he could die on a cross so we could all be forgiven of our sin and washed to be white as snow through his forgiveness. To top all this off, Christmastime is a time when many parents put themselves in debt to give their children everything they want. We are not commanded to give our children everything they want, we are commanded to teach them right and wrong and the way to know and follow God. Just read Proverbs.
We don't do Easter because people just wanna say its all about the Easter Bunny. WTF?!?!? The idea of the Easter Bunny has always just kinda freaked me out. GOD the Son rose from the dead on Easter. We remember him and that great day. We are quiet and reflective.
This brings me to birthdays. Sure I love the idea of celebrating the birth of my children, BUT life isn't all about them. Its about what good are you going to do for your community to glorify God? Being a productive member of society. I want my kids to care about people about doing good for them and how it feels to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. I want kids that aren't judgemental because we make them work for the things they have so they appreciate them.
I wonder if other people think about these things when they are judging me because I don't raise my family they way they raise theirs.
See we don't do Halloween because we spend so much time educating our kids how important is it to NOT talk to strangers or to take candy from them. So why in all the world and for the love of everything green, are we going to take our children one night a year to the strangers' houses and ASK them for candy? What are we teaching our kids?
This brings us to Christmas and "Santa". We dont' celebrate Christmas for several reasons. Christ never asked us to remember his birth. Don't get me wrong it is important to remember the awesomeness of God and the fulfilling of His prophecies. But GOD didn't have a fat white man in a ared suit with a belly full of jello slide down my chiminey to give me gifts. WAIT, what would you DO if a fat white man slid down your chiminey into your house while you and your children were sleeping? What if you woke up to a fat white man in your livingroom while your sweet cherrished gift from God was sleeping on your couch ? Yeah and then that brings we teach our children not to lie that God hates lying and that lying destroys trust. SO WHY IN ALL THE WORLD are you going to lie to your child about a man that comes Christmas eve to give "good" boys and girls gifts. The real good boys and girls are already given a gift. OH WAIT so are the "bad" boys and girls, the most precious gift was that a son was born from God to a virgin so that he could die on a cross so we could all be forgiven of our sin and washed to be white as snow through his forgiveness. To top all this off, Christmastime is a time when many parents put themselves in debt to give their children everything they want. We are not commanded to give our children everything they want, we are commanded to teach them right and wrong and the way to know and follow God. Just read Proverbs.
We don't do Easter because people just wanna say its all about the Easter Bunny. WTF?!?!? The idea of the Easter Bunny has always just kinda freaked me out. GOD the Son rose from the dead on Easter. We remember him and that great day. We are quiet and reflective.
This brings me to birthdays. Sure I love the idea of celebrating the birth of my children, BUT life isn't all about them. Its about what good are you going to do for your community to glorify God? Being a productive member of society. I want my kids to care about people about doing good for them and how it feels to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. I want kids that aren't judgemental because we make them work for the things they have so they appreciate them.
I wonder if other people think about these things when they are judging me because I don't raise my family they way they raise theirs.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
going under
Sitting here and
I wonder when
it's all going under
the day will fall
into the ocean
the night fly into
saddened and dreary
skies.
I wonder when
its all going
under.
When the sun
wont shine on me
and the rain
will fall like
acid~ burning my skin
Is it gonna happen
is it gonna happen
don't let me fall
into the ocean
or fly into uncertain
and scary skies.
Reach down and save me
save me from the disaster
of the human race
lacking in humanity
Don't let them suffer
sleeping in the cold
under card board
stuffed with newspapers
Going under isn't
how it should be
freezing in the snow.
burning in the heat
No respite from the
cruelty that walks on by
Don't let them starve
bellies distended
and flies in their eyes
Don't let them waste away
with potential unmet.
Give them hope
and a song to sing
that passes the light
of your faithful torch.
Don't let us all go under.
Help us remember
you have saved us
all before.
I wonder when
it's all going under
the day will fall
into the ocean
the night fly into
saddened and dreary
skies.
I wonder when
its all going
under.
When the sun
wont shine on me
and the rain
will fall like
acid~ burning my skin
Is it gonna happen
is it gonna happen
don't let me fall
into the ocean
or fly into uncertain
and scary skies.
Reach down and save me
save me from the disaster
of the human race
lacking in humanity
Don't let them suffer
sleeping in the cold
under card board
stuffed with newspapers
Going under isn't
how it should be
freezing in the snow.
burning in the heat
No respite from the
cruelty that walks on by
Don't let them starve
bellies distended
and flies in their eyes
Don't let them waste away
with potential unmet.
Give them hope
and a song to sing
that passes the light
of your faithful torch.
Don't let us all go under.
Help us remember
you have saved us
all before.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
letters on a screen what do they mean
I realize I haven't been writing much lately. I don't know if its the fact life has sped up and gotten busy but I miss it. there is a void where words should be. Don't get me wrong I have ideas swimming in the cells up there but they are ideas with out words. If I were an artist I would try to paint them into images, but artist I am not. That would be my brothers' jobs. I am the one that finds meanings to life in words and letters on the pages and screens of the books and websites in my life.
Is God testing me to see if I will push through the lack of concrete ideas inside my head and form a release? He gave me this gift and it is HIM I really want to please with it. I wonder if I am just not listening to what he wants me to write about. Or if He simply wants me to just listen for a while. I know that there are times when it's quiet inside of me. Reminds me of the years between the old and new testimate when the people were lost and not hearing from God. I don't want to be lost and with out my Father.
Just pondering and thinking of the Letters On the Screen and What They Mean.
Is God testing me to see if I will push through the lack of concrete ideas inside my head and form a release? He gave me this gift and it is HIM I really want to please with it. I wonder if I am just not listening to what he wants me to write about. Or if He simply wants me to just listen for a while. I know that there are times when it's quiet inside of me. Reminds me of the years between the old and new testimate when the people were lost and not hearing from God. I don't want to be lost and with out my Father.
Just pondering and thinking of the Letters On the Screen and What They Mean.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Pics.
so instead of waitin for someone to tell me i found out myself. here are a few pictures from this summer when the kids and I were in Pa.
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| all four of the kids on the bench at cucumber falls |
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| just a beautiful view of the trees and the stream |
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| the falls make them look so small |
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| AnDosia putting her shoes on after dipping her feet in the water |
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| my little goof balls |
pictures of beauty
so i was just looking online at my best friends wedding photos. WOW she was absolutely stunning. I so wish I could have been there. Life seems to have a way of keeping me away from the important events in my dearest friends lives.
Sometimes I get so angry at it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't ever moved away so that I could be there for all those moments of weddings and births of beautiful babies and graduations. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that I wasn't able to be at those events because I am supposed to treasure each moment I have with those people as I get them. Believe me, no one knows how much I treasure them. Each phone call, each letter and email each hug I get in real life because I just never know when the next time will be.
I look forward to the possiblity of seeing these awesome people in the near future and it really warms my being. The next year can only bring goodness.
ps does anyone know how to post pictures on their blog?
Sometimes I get so angry at it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't ever moved away so that I could be there for all those moments of weddings and births of beautiful babies and graduations. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that I wasn't able to be at those events because I am supposed to treasure each moment I have with those people as I get them. Believe me, no one knows how much I treasure them. Each phone call, each letter and email each hug I get in real life because I just never know when the next time will be.
I look forward to the possiblity of seeing these awesome people in the near future and it really warms my being. The next year can only bring goodness.
ps does anyone know how to post pictures on their blog?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
so i guess its time for an update
I finally got my police checks back for the army. now its a waiting game on getting the waiver back in a favorable light. ( please God let this be your will and not just mine)
I also started a new job. working at a dry cleaners. WOW does it get boring but the work is good and the pay is decent and God provided it along with an honest Christian boss that asked me to read The Purpose Driven Life on my first day. He has a copy he keeps in the store along with his bible.
Other than that I don't feel as though I have much to report. turning 31 yesterday felt just like 30 the day before
I also started a new job. working at a dry cleaners. WOW does it get boring but the work is good and the pay is decent and God provided it along with an honest Christian boss that asked me to read The Purpose Driven Life on my first day. He has a copy he keeps in the store along with his bible.
Other than that I don't feel as though I have much to report. turning 31 yesterday felt just like 30 the day before
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Many Hats We Wear
I came across a very good article on yahoo about the many sides of being a mom and how despite what the 'experts" say, we can be great moms and workers in the world by simply being who we are all the time and not compartmentalizing the different faces of who we are
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/lifeslittlepleasures/the-10-secrets-of-one-unflappable-working-mother-2394131/ ( am still learning how to make links appear with a name rather than the entire address so please bare with me, this goes for picture posting as well).
One of the things that stuck out about the article was that the author used a lot of humor. I have realized recently you cannot get through tough spots with out humor. Hopefully you can laugh at it later if you can't during the moment.
There is a quote in the article by Philosopher John Locke. ( I must admit at first I thought of the Lost Character John Locke). But it makes so much sense and is a bit of good advice. " A person recognizes himself as the same being throughout his life, in different times and places. You are one person, indivisible, who just happens to wear many hats." I understand how hard that is to recognize myself amidst all the different parts of myself. I tend to identify myself as a mom, or a wife but those aren't the whole of who I am.
I am going to work on being a whole me and not a part of me. Yes I am a mom, yes I am a wife, yes I am a wanna be writer, I am an infant in Christ, I am not just those at times but ALL of the time.
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/lifeslittlepleasures/the-10-secrets-of-one-unflappable-working-mother-2394131/ ( am still learning how to make links appear with a name rather than the entire address so please bare with me, this goes for picture posting as well).
One of the things that stuck out about the article was that the author used a lot of humor. I have realized recently you cannot get through tough spots with out humor. Hopefully you can laugh at it later if you can't during the moment.
There is a quote in the article by Philosopher John Locke. ( I must admit at first I thought of the Lost Character John Locke). But it makes so much sense and is a bit of good advice. " A person recognizes himself as the same being throughout his life, in different times and places. You are one person, indivisible, who just happens to wear many hats." I understand how hard that is to recognize myself amidst all the different parts of myself. I tend to identify myself as a mom, or a wife but those aren't the whole of who I am.
I am going to work on being a whole me and not a part of me. Yes I am a mom, yes I am a wife, yes I am a wanna be writer, I am an infant in Christ, I am not just those at times but ALL of the time.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
soccer on a fall day
The last couple of days have been wonderful. ( I refuse to look at the negative). We played soccer in the back yard for a while. By the time we were done the street lights were in full effect and we couldn't see the ball if we were not under the light. The kids hussled and tried their hardest. I love how active soccer keeps us.
Makes me sad that it's fall because that means cold weather and snow is on the horizon . With snow that means no playing outside. I hate the winter because I feel as though I am in a prison. Not a fan of the cold, no not at all. I love the sun light and the warms and the ability to leave the windows open and feel a gentle breeze that ruffles the curtains and you have to add in the smell of a freshly mown lawn and the flowers. I love the sound of the night life. The tree frogs croaking back and forth and the crickets playing their violin legs and the buzz of the cicadas before they molt into their new forms.
Spring and summer are the seasons of life. When its cold and gray out in the winter I look and long for the buds on the trees and the sight of the crocus flowers. I feel rejuvinated at the rebirth and the sights of the Cardinals in the trees returning from the warm winters in the south.
Fall is also beautifully bitter sweet as it means the sleeping season is coming. The sound of the birds fade, there are no frogs or cicadas that sing me to sleep. OH but the fall colors. Wow they dazzle. God surely knows how to paint beautiful and inspiring pictures. I enjoy watching the bright red and yellow leaves float in a slow dance to the ground with their swirling and tumbling motions on the air that lifts them. The smell of a wood stove burning that the air takes on as it grows crisp. It always reminds me of Thanksgiving at my Grandmother's when I was little.
Winter always comes and chills me. It feels like I can't get warm. The winter brings the Nothing that always tries to rob me of good moods. It is a time when I want to be close to family and we are always so far away from our extended families that it is depressing. The cold season makes me home sick.
I always have the spring to look forward to and that always helps. This spring will be a definite rebirth spring full of change and newness. Boot Camp and AIT come in the spring. I will be seeing how much I can accomplish for myself that I can be proud of besides being a mother. I will be chasing and reaching for the fruit of a dream and showing the kids that if you want it badly enough and you take the steps YOU CAN achieve it! I know that none of this is possible with out the force of my God telling me and leading me in His time to get to the places he needs me to be.
Makes me sad that it's fall because that means cold weather and snow is on the horizon . With snow that means no playing outside. I hate the winter because I feel as though I am in a prison. Not a fan of the cold, no not at all. I love the sun light and the warms and the ability to leave the windows open and feel a gentle breeze that ruffles the curtains and you have to add in the smell of a freshly mown lawn and the flowers. I love the sound of the night life. The tree frogs croaking back and forth and the crickets playing their violin legs and the buzz of the cicadas before they molt into their new forms.
Spring and summer are the seasons of life. When its cold and gray out in the winter I look and long for the buds on the trees and the sight of the crocus flowers. I feel rejuvinated at the rebirth and the sights of the Cardinals in the trees returning from the warm winters in the south.
Fall is also beautifully bitter sweet as it means the sleeping season is coming. The sound of the birds fade, there are no frogs or cicadas that sing me to sleep. OH but the fall colors. Wow they dazzle. God surely knows how to paint beautiful and inspiring pictures. I enjoy watching the bright red and yellow leaves float in a slow dance to the ground with their swirling and tumbling motions on the air that lifts them. The smell of a wood stove burning that the air takes on as it grows crisp. It always reminds me of Thanksgiving at my Grandmother's when I was little.
Winter always comes and chills me. It feels like I can't get warm. The winter brings the Nothing that always tries to rob me of good moods. It is a time when I want to be close to family and we are always so far away from our extended families that it is depressing. The cold season makes me home sick.
I always have the spring to look forward to and that always helps. This spring will be a definite rebirth spring full of change and newness. Boot Camp and AIT come in the spring. I will be seeing how much I can accomplish for myself that I can be proud of besides being a mother. I will be chasing and reaching for the fruit of a dream and showing the kids that if you want it badly enough and you take the steps YOU CAN achieve it! I know that none of this is possible with out the force of my God telling me and leading me in His time to get to the places he needs me to be.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
10- 20 days
so i finally got all the paperwork in that needed to be in at the recruiters office. Called today to find out how long until we can really finish up. Waiting for the police checks to come back and he said that could take ten to 20days. are you freaking kidding? I started this process at the end of July beginning of August. At this rate it doesn't seem like I am ever going to get to boot camp or to AIT. Patients is a virtue ( yes i must keep saying this to myself). God is really wanting me to learn that I think.
I started the volunteering at the APA today. OH MY the sweet babies I got to love on and take care of for a while. I loved the cats the most. They purr and you can feel their love. The puppies were super sweet tho. If you are in the St. Louis area please stop by and pick one up to love forever. I love that place. They make sure they spay and neuter all the animals before they send them home. Don't simply think about the babies. It's the older cats and dogs that are really thankful for your love. I wish I could take some home. BUT I know that the timing isn't great to do that as I am hoping to join the military and I don't know when I'll be in a stable environment. Not to mention the fact I don't even live in my own home.
I really don't have too much to say other than to update what is going on.
10 - 20 DAYS?!?!? wow that seems like 10 million years away. Boot Camp could be in Jan or March. 6 Months away
I started the volunteering at the APA today. OH MY the sweet babies I got to love on and take care of for a while. I loved the cats the most. They purr and you can feel their love. The puppies were super sweet tho. If you are in the St. Louis area please stop by and pick one up to love forever. I love that place. They make sure they spay and neuter all the animals before they send them home. Don't simply think about the babies. It's the older cats and dogs that are really thankful for your love. I wish I could take some home. BUT I know that the timing isn't great to do that as I am hoping to join the military and I don't know when I'll be in a stable environment. Not to mention the fact I don't even live in my own home.
I really don't have too much to say other than to update what is going on.
10 - 20 DAYS?!?!? wow that seems like 10 million years away. Boot Camp could be in Jan or March. 6 Months away
Thursday, September 16, 2010
not much to say
Things seem to be going slowly but well. Heard from my recruiter yesterday and my waiver was approved and now its a waiting game for my high school transcripts to come in the mail. One would think that they could have simply faxed them to the recruiter and saved some time and money , but they didn't. I am simply eager to get on to the next phase of life. This eagerness is a constant battle to remind myself that everything happens in God's time and not my own. I believe I have made it known that this is an area in my life that I struggle with fiercely, waiting on the Lord and not relying on myself.
Things at the house are stressed and tense. Not so much with A and I , but J. She seems to be moody and depressed that A got his appartment and that the kids and I spend time over there. Things get taken wrong and I have come to the conclusion there isn't much I can do but pray. I have a fear that things will escalate and I'll be out . Can't stay at A's place because the rules say 6 people can't live in a 3 bedroom place. So I feel as though I am at the mercy of J and her moods. One minute things seem well and then the next she seems upset and depressed and She and A are butting heads and when I talk to him about things I am "tattling my feelings'". Not sure what that means but, He is still my husband and I should be allowed to tell him anything I want to tell him and if it is known that I have issues with talking to him, I shouldn't be made to feel like I am not allowed to talk to him. But it seems like that. I will not give into it though. I will fight the good fight and pray that emotions simmer and that the time until boot camp goes quickly.
I pray that the friendship can make it through this. God is in control and I need to simply trust him in it.
ok. thats what is going on at the moment. May God bless all who come across this posting.
Things at the house are stressed and tense. Not so much with A and I , but J. She seems to be moody and depressed that A got his appartment and that the kids and I spend time over there. Things get taken wrong and I have come to the conclusion there isn't much I can do but pray. I have a fear that things will escalate and I'll be out . Can't stay at A's place because the rules say 6 people can't live in a 3 bedroom place. So I feel as though I am at the mercy of J and her moods. One minute things seem well and then the next she seems upset and depressed and She and A are butting heads and when I talk to him about things I am "tattling my feelings'". Not sure what that means but, He is still my husband and I should be allowed to tell him anything I want to tell him and if it is known that I have issues with talking to him, I shouldn't be made to feel like I am not allowed to talk to him. But it seems like that. I will not give into it though. I will fight the good fight and pray that emotions simmer and that the time until boot camp goes quickly.
I pray that the friendship can make it through this. God is in control and I need to simply trust him in it.
ok. thats what is going on at the moment. May God bless all who come across this posting.
Friday, September 10, 2010
boys
My 9 year old is having issues at school. Not concentrating or paying attention , not finishing class work or home work not sitting still. I don't know what to do about it. Finally a teacher is seeing what we see at home. He doesn't pay attention for more than a few minutes at a time. This kid is NOT stupid though. I wonder if that is why all the teachers in the past never really said anything about his behavior at school. They always lead us to believe this was all in our heads. Maybe it was because they are all worn out teachers that don't want to deal with military parents. His teacher this year says he loves having him in class and that he always volunteers and is always polite and has good manners but he just keeps getting distracted and talking with the kids. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to reenforce the positive behavior. We had a wonderful talk a week ago or so and he seemed so in control of his thoughts and his behavior but we are back to this. It is really making me worry about him and what we can do for him. I have never believed in ADD or ADHD before but I am seriously wondering if he has this. I don't even know how to go about making an appointment to talk to a doctor about it? Feeling a bit lost.
nothingness Oct32009
I feel a lack of nothingness that leads to everything
I am lacking in energy and happy mood
a sense of foreboding blossoming
on the violet and oranger horizon
lapping at the sea
that's tossing the turtles to shore
Depression sinking in the sand
grains of glass slipping into my solar skin
blue in the moon's waning light.
Cold that misses the warmth of you
curls around and calms me down.
The rain is falling, turning to icy bits
that cover the road into a morror
so I can see the things that must be changed.
Is this idea possible?
A turning point into purity snow
it never melts but never warms
because there is a war about.
Can you see the sick
the dying
I am right here
waiting for you
to release the nothingness
swinging into everything.
~ this was written almost a year ago. Life felt complicated and more uncertain then. Don't get me wrong, it still feels uncertain and very complicated at times but I feel hopeful and not so depressed and overtaken by the nothing. Last year I very much felt like the never ending story's nothing was trying to eradicate my being. There are still times when that is there, mostly when the affects of A's ptsd are rampant and raging and the floor becomes egg shells that slice the bottoms of my feet. I feel like the war stole something from me, that man that used to be patient with me and understanding and it stole the encouragement I used to receive from him. Granted, he still encourages me and is still patient but the understanding seems to be gone or less observant, and there are times I have to fight to remember he has been through the trauma's of war and loss the likes of which I don't understand. I forget how to be supportive and loving. I forget that he needs the action of love and not the words of it. He doesn't need hollow and empty but tangible and sensory love. I don't think I can comprehend what goes through him when the thunder rattles and the dreams come. I don't want to even compare anything that I think to what he has to fight on a daily basis yet I find myself often doing it. We all deal with trauma differently. The war has brought up so much from his childhood that I think has been left dormant in the dark just waiting for the time. I need to be a better person to him: a better friend.
I am lacking in energy and happy mood
a sense of foreboding blossoming
on the violet and oranger horizon
lapping at the sea
that's tossing the turtles to shore
Depression sinking in the sand
grains of glass slipping into my solar skin
blue in the moon's waning light.
Cold that misses the warmth of you
curls around and calms me down.
The rain is falling, turning to icy bits
that cover the road into a morror
so I can see the things that must be changed.
Is this idea possible?
A turning point into purity snow
it never melts but never warms
because there is a war about.
Can you see the sick
the dying
I am right here
waiting for you
to release the nothingness
swinging into everything.
~ this was written almost a year ago. Life felt complicated and more uncertain then. Don't get me wrong, it still feels uncertain and very complicated at times but I feel hopeful and not so depressed and overtaken by the nothing. Last year I very much felt like the never ending story's nothing was trying to eradicate my being. There are still times when that is there, mostly when the affects of A's ptsd are rampant and raging and the floor becomes egg shells that slice the bottoms of my feet. I feel like the war stole something from me, that man that used to be patient with me and understanding and it stole the encouragement I used to receive from him. Granted, he still encourages me and is still patient but the understanding seems to be gone or less observant, and there are times I have to fight to remember he has been through the trauma's of war and loss the likes of which I don't understand. I forget how to be supportive and loving. I forget that he needs the action of love and not the words of it. He doesn't need hollow and empty but tangible and sensory love. I don't think I can comprehend what goes through him when the thunder rattles and the dreams come. I don't want to even compare anything that I think to what he has to fight on a daily basis yet I find myself often doing it. We all deal with trauma differently. The war has brought up so much from his childhood that I think has been left dormant in the dark just waiting for the time. I need to be a better person to him: a better friend.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
one with me
I was sitting in the tree
when I became
One with Me
I let it all go
I let it all go
The things you did to me
I sent them up
~to the sky
For my God to take them
away
I was sitting in a tree
when God became one
with me
He took my sin
for a ride
apart from my soul
He took yours along too
for it wasn't my burden to bare
I let it all go
I let it all go
You're free of my anger
I am free from the shame
For the things you had
done to me
I became one with me
The day God
took it all away
Sitting in a tree
On a clear November day.
when I became
One with Me
I let it all go
I let it all go
The things you did to me
I sent them up
~to the sky
For my God to take them
away
I was sitting in a tree
when God became one
with me
He took my sin
for a ride
apart from my soul
He took yours along too
for it wasn't my burden to bare
I let it all go
I let it all go
You're free of my anger
I am free from the shame
For the things you had
done to me
I became one with me
The day God
took it all away
Sitting in a tree
On a clear November day.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
books and escapes into holiness
I have been reading a lot lately. in this week alone I have read 3 amazing books. there seems to be a central theme and I didn't go for this by the way but GOD did. and that theme is GOD and the beliefs we all have.
The first book I read was the Novelist. ( don't remember the author) but It is about a Christian woman who writes action novels and takes a job teaching a community college class about how to write a novel. Her student challenges her to bleed into the book. She writes an allegory for her troubled son and for the class.
She quotes my scripture. Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you " says the Lord" plans to prosper you and not to harm you to give you hope and a future". Yes that is my life's scripture, keeps me grounded and remembering that this life I have isn't about me. Yes I am going to fall on my face MANY MANY more times but he loves me and wants me to hope but he isn't afraid to let me fall so I can remember it. ( the author of the Novelist talks about this also)
The second book I read was called Catalyst by Angela Hunt. It is a teens book about the daughter of a minister who is struggling with accepting that things happen for a reason. You need a million boxes of tissues for this book. I read this book because I read and saw the movie for the book SPEAK about rape of a 14 year old High School Freshman. Both books are powerful and real and raw. She writes in a way that most writers today have forgotten. She connects to the reader in a scary kind of reality through their youth.
Lastly, I read the book Go Down To Silence. PLEASE read this book. It is a book about a survivor of the Holocaust and the horrors he has seen the estrangement from his youngest son and the generosity and love of God to put Christian people in the role of protecting and helping many Jewish families ( mostly children) survive. It is about the reconciliation of the people of the world to their one true GOD. the natural chosen people of God and those that have been cut and cultivated and brought into the fold of God's love and embrace. There is a part of the book where the little Jewish boy looks up in his hiding and sees Jesus on the cross and is told that he too was a Jew that God sent to die on the cross by the Jews so that all can again be His chosen people. There was a severe vivid cruelty explained and a Severe and tender Love in this book.
I want to write so that people feel as moved as these books have made me feel. To have the power to stand up and have the courage to meet your fears and forgive them and let them go.
I get that feeling most from Go down to Silence because the main character Jacob faced his fear and faced the man who took his father and uncles and cousins to the death camps and instead of killing him he let him go. I want to be able to do that to the many nameless faces that touched me and hurt me as a tiny girl. I want to face them and tell them I forgive them for the evil they did to me. Maybe I don't need to tell them I just need to say it out loud.
I think a lot lately about God being my shepherd in the valley of the shadow of death and being thankful for his rod that sustains me. I wonder if I will ever live up to that thankfulness. There is hope that He knows I am thankful even if my actions sometimes say otherwise. How can I fathom how AWESOME my God is?
The first book I read was the Novelist. ( don't remember the author) but It is about a Christian woman who writes action novels and takes a job teaching a community college class about how to write a novel. Her student challenges her to bleed into the book. She writes an allegory for her troubled son and for the class.
She quotes my scripture. Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you " says the Lord" plans to prosper you and not to harm you to give you hope and a future". Yes that is my life's scripture, keeps me grounded and remembering that this life I have isn't about me. Yes I am going to fall on my face MANY MANY more times but he loves me and wants me to hope but he isn't afraid to let me fall so I can remember it. ( the author of the Novelist talks about this also)
The second book I read was called Catalyst by Angela Hunt. It is a teens book about the daughter of a minister who is struggling with accepting that things happen for a reason. You need a million boxes of tissues for this book. I read this book because I read and saw the movie for the book SPEAK about rape of a 14 year old High School Freshman. Both books are powerful and real and raw. She writes in a way that most writers today have forgotten. She connects to the reader in a scary kind of reality through their youth.
Lastly, I read the book Go Down To Silence. PLEASE read this book. It is a book about a survivor of the Holocaust and the horrors he has seen the estrangement from his youngest son and the generosity and love of God to put Christian people in the role of protecting and helping many Jewish families ( mostly children) survive. It is about the reconciliation of the people of the world to their one true GOD. the natural chosen people of God and those that have been cut and cultivated and brought into the fold of God's love and embrace. There is a part of the book where the little Jewish boy looks up in his hiding and sees Jesus on the cross and is told that he too was a Jew that God sent to die on the cross by the Jews so that all can again be His chosen people. There was a severe vivid cruelty explained and a Severe and tender Love in this book.
I want to write so that people feel as moved as these books have made me feel. To have the power to stand up and have the courage to meet your fears and forgive them and let them go.
I get that feeling most from Go down to Silence because the main character Jacob faced his fear and faced the man who took his father and uncles and cousins to the death camps and instead of killing him he let him go. I want to be able to do that to the many nameless faces that touched me and hurt me as a tiny girl. I want to face them and tell them I forgive them for the evil they did to me. Maybe I don't need to tell them I just need to say it out loud.
I think a lot lately about God being my shepherd in the valley of the shadow of death and being thankful for his rod that sustains me. I wonder if I will ever live up to that thankfulness. There is hope that He knows I am thankful even if my actions sometimes say otherwise. How can I fathom how AWESOME my God is?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
my pen has ink
again the page is blank
my feelings have no words
the well inside, once empty
slowly fills, drop by drop
yet thirst remains
like my blank page
my pen has ink
no letters does it form
only blobs form in blackened blood
for my page that is my feelings bare
no words
my feelings have no words
the well inside, once empty
slowly fills, drop by drop
yet thirst remains
like my blank page
my pen has ink
no letters does it form
only blobs form in blackened blood
for my page that is my feelings bare
no words
Monday, August 30, 2010
not my strong suit
I hate waiting. I am inpatient. Still waiting to hear from MEPS about that eye appointment that they want me to have. THIS SUCKS. But I have to remind myself all in God's time and not my own. Serious test of patience if you ask me. I called my recruiter today said he is finishing up my packet and sent in for all the waivers I may need. Once the consult eye exam thing is done and approved I get to pick my MOS and find out when I go to boot camp.
Until then, I went up to the Animal Protection Agency today to see about volunteering. I have to go through an orientation and such. Those poor animals. a LOT of pits were there. some of the sweetest dogs I have ever seen. The kitties were adorable. There was a tiny one that kept crying at the door for someone to come get him. I would have if I could have. I am a huge sucker for kitties and pups. There was a dog in the runs that reminded me of Bella. She was sweet natured and kept putting her paw up on the door and trying to lick my face.
One day, I will b eable to rescue as many of them as I can. Give them a home full of love.
Until then, I went up to the Animal Protection Agency today to see about volunteering. I have to go through an orientation and such. Those poor animals. a LOT of pits were there. some of the sweetest dogs I have ever seen. The kitties were adorable. There was a tiny one that kept crying at the door for someone to come get him. I would have if I could have. I am a huge sucker for kitties and pups. There was a dog in the runs that reminded me of Bella. She was sweet natured and kept putting her paw up on the door and trying to lick my face.
One day, I will b eable to rescue as many of them as I can. Give them a home full of love.
Friday, August 27, 2010
am i stupid?
i must be. because i keep doing things that I know will have a negative affect. Yet I do them anyway. Is it because I don't believe that those negative things will really happen or because I want those negative things to happen but just don't want to admit to it? I know that I need to change and I make efforts but then I erase those efforts by going back to doing what I KNEW would undo them or make them seem ingenuine. I need to change but am finding it more difficult than I ever believed. I don't want to be alone, at least I don't think I do, yet I am pushing the one person that wants to be there away. I seriously hope that going through boot camp and AIT and all that stuff is going to help.
I am really disliking how I can turn a good day into a bad one so easily. It's very annoying and it makes me hate myself.
I am really disliking how I can turn a good day into a bad one so easily. It's very annoying and it makes me hate myself.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Amazing Grace in Answered Prayers
God is so good. He commands us to ask and it shall be given. I didn't want to ask for anything special just to know that I do what he wants me to do and for a sing that what I am thinking IS what He wants of me. I prayed that if HE wanted me to join that I would get an 80 on the ASVAB. I bombed the pretest, It was horrible I got only a 42. I went to the library and checked out a book to help me study and do well on the test. God answered, It was confirmed to me that I am supposed to be in the military. His time was not my time years ago. I scored an 81 Monday on the test! That is almost double what I did on the pretest. It was higher than I asked for confirmation for. If that is not a sure sign then I don't know what is. Gideon asked over and over for signs from our Mighty Lord.
Yesterday I was worried about my knees popping, NOT ONE TIME! I simply have to get a more comprehensive eye exam before I know for sure. It all looks good though and I am grateful and eager to do this thing that has been set before me.
Watch out world , Here I come to do the work of my Heavenly Father. With God on my side there is no way I can fail!
Yesterday I was worried about my knees popping, NOT ONE TIME! I simply have to get a more comprehensive eye exam before I know for sure. It all looks good though and I am grateful and eager to do this thing that has been set before me.
Watch out world , Here I come to do the work of my Heavenly Father. With God on my side there is no way I can fail!
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