I am feeling emotional today. Sad and lonely for no reason that I can think of. I keep trying to tell myself happy thoughts and change my way of thinking. Mostly its an uncontrollable need to cry. I am not sure why. I just cannot seem to let it happen. I know that once I have a good cry I will feel better and release whatever is pent up inside of me. No cry is happening though. I took a shower thinking that I could let it all go in there under the running shards of water. Nope I thought wrong. The hot stream didn't do anything to help.
I feel like the houses and buildings look that surround my school. Drooping and glum. If those buildings had tears oh how they would flow! I am like those buildings, I have no tears to shed yet my soul cries out for redemption of the run down melancholy.
I have so much to be grateful and happy about but something nags at me and makes me sad. Wish I knew what it was.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
mortality
My friend received news today that her brother in law died unexpectedly from a heart attack this morning in his sleep. It makes me think about not knowing when or how we will all pass on. God never promises us the next breath. It puts into perspective that we often take things for granted. My friend's five year old nephew is going to grow into a man with out his daddy there to guide him. That breaks my heart.
I am reminded of how I want to be there to watch my children grow into the ( hopefully) mature and invested grown ups that we want them to be. I want to watch them graduate from high school and college and to be there when they get married. I want to be the Nana that holds and teaches her grand children all the fun little things that only a Nana can teach.
I hope that I live my life in a manner that says that I want to be there for all these things.
My mind wanders as I think about the loss that my friend's family is feeling right now. I pray that he knew the Lord and will be there greeting them when the time for all of us to go home comes.
I am reminded of how I want to be there to watch my children grow into the ( hopefully) mature and invested grown ups that we want them to be. I want to watch them graduate from high school and college and to be there when they get married. I want to be the Nana that holds and teaches her grand children all the fun little things that only a Nana can teach.
I hope that I live my life in a manner that says that I want to be there for all these things.
My mind wanders as I think about the loss that my friend's family is feeling right now. I pray that he knew the Lord and will be there greeting them when the time for all of us to go home comes.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Week 1
The first week of school was awesome! I got ahead of the curve on Math and on my College Orientation class. Even with a snow day after a Holiday and a week with out books.
Had a great week end with the husband and the kids. Stayed up way too late last night and feel so completely spent. I could easily go to sleep.
Only draw back this week was that verbal communication seemed to be lacking for me something awful this week. I hope that it is simply that I used up most of the verbal communication skills in class this week.
I am looking forward to the week ahead and learning and applying for financial aid to get the rest of the prerecs. out of the way so I can start the actual nursing program in the spring of next year! Life feels full and over flowing. I am surely blessed and loved by the one above.
Had a great week end with the husband and the kids. Stayed up way too late last night and feel so completely spent. I could easily go to sleep.
Only draw back this week was that verbal communication seemed to be lacking for me something awful this week. I hope that it is simply that I used up most of the verbal communication skills in class this week.
I am looking forward to the week ahead and learning and applying for financial aid to get the rest of the prerecs. out of the way so I can start the actual nursing program in the spring of next year! Life feels full and over flowing. I am surely blessed and loved by the one above.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Snow Day
This is so crazy. It's the third day of school for me and I am out on a snow day. How crazy. I didn't want to stay home, I want to be at that building getting a grip on firing brain cells.
I remember growing up, I actually had to to walk to school in snow that was half way up my calf. Now days folks seem afraid to have kids walk in it. Maybe it's because so many kids ride the bus. The buses do not seem to like the snow. Not sure I would really want my lil munchkins on a bus that can't handle driving on the roads. I wouldn't want to risk their lives because folks don't know how to drive in the inclement weather.
I was simply hoping to continue on the path of learning with out interuption. I went ahead and did extra math problems past where we were supposed to. But because we dont' have our actual text books yet, I cannot get ahead in the other classes and can't really go too far ahead in the math department. I am simply eager to grow and improve myself. I kind of like setting this good example to the kids of getting it done ahead of time instead of waiting till the last minute.
I remember growing up, I actually had to to walk to school in snow that was half way up my calf. Now days folks seem afraid to have kids walk in it. Maybe it's because so many kids ride the bus. The buses do not seem to like the snow. Not sure I would really want my lil munchkins on a bus that can't handle driving on the roads. I wouldn't want to risk their lives because folks don't know how to drive in the inclement weather.
I was simply hoping to continue on the path of learning with out interuption. I went ahead and did extra math problems past where we were supposed to. But because we dont' have our actual text books yet, I cannot get ahead in the other classes and can't really go too far ahead in the math department. I am simply eager to grow and improve myself. I kind of like setting this good example to the kids of getting it done ahead of time instead of waiting till the last minute.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
So Many Blessings
Found out today that God has heard my prayers about my books for school. He included the price of my books in the grant for me to go to school. I don't have to pay for them. No worry for how I will afford them as He took care of it.
The blessings just keep coming. I hope to be a blessing to someone else as God is finding ways to bless me and my family. OH this reminds me of a blessing bit I wanted to talk about but was so fretful over today being my first day that I forgot to blog about it.
I was getting gas at the gas station yesterday. Spending the last of my last pay check to make sure I could get to school. As I was leaving instead of saying the normal "Thank you have a great day." I was thinking those words but instead I said ( at the same time as the clerk which was simply awesome) "Thank you have a blessed day." The reaction of the clerk was priceless. She grinned bigger than any I have seen in a long time and was genuinely thankful for me having said that. She exclaimed, "OH THANK YOU". That is the best reaction I could have ever hoped to get. God used me to really lift that lady's day it seemed. I wish I could do that to every one . I think I am going to say that to every one.
Have a blessed day! I know I have had a blessed day.
Even with a few confuddled attempts at communication in the last couple days that seemed to stress me out because I just couldn't seem to communicate what I was trying to say. I am grateful to the Husband for helping me work through it. AGAIN another blessing... a husband that encourages me to work through the frustrations and the short comings to make them strengths and to not give up on myself. I am so so blessed. I wish every one were this blessed.
The blessings just keep coming. I hope to be a blessing to someone else as God is finding ways to bless me and my family. OH this reminds me of a blessing bit I wanted to talk about but was so fretful over today being my first day that I forgot to blog about it.
I was getting gas at the gas station yesterday. Spending the last of my last pay check to make sure I could get to school. As I was leaving instead of saying the normal "Thank you have a great day." I was thinking those words but instead I said ( at the same time as the clerk which was simply awesome) "Thank you have a blessed day." The reaction of the clerk was priceless. She grinned bigger than any I have seen in a long time and was genuinely thankful for me having said that. She exclaimed, "OH THANK YOU". That is the best reaction I could have ever hoped to get. God used me to really lift that lady's day it seemed. I wish I could do that to every one . I think I am going to say that to every one.
Have a blessed day! I know I have had a blessed day.
Even with a few confuddled attempts at communication in the last couple days that seemed to stress me out because I just couldn't seem to communicate what I was trying to say. I am grateful to the Husband for helping me work through it. AGAIN another blessing... a husband that encourages me to work through the frustrations and the short comings to make them strengths and to not give up on myself. I am so so blessed. I wish every one were this blessed.
Monday, January 17, 2011
the sleep monster stole the sand man
Here it is 11:30 at night, the night before I start school. I can't sleep. Too many things going through my brain. Too much excitement and worry. All things that I can do nothing about.
God please let me rest my mind and allow you to take control of this ship and let my mind and body fall into accord so I can sleep.
I am nervous because the school black board says I am not registered for any classes. My registration paperwork says otherwise but none of the classes have room numbers. They are all TBA? What am I to do with that? I want to do well in school but wonder if 12 years away from a school atmosphere is going to hinder me or will it empower me?
Too many thoughts
God please let me rest my mind and allow you to take control of this ship and let my mind and body fall into accord so I can sleep.
I am nervous because the school black board says I am not registered for any classes. My registration paperwork says otherwise but none of the classes have room numbers. They are all TBA? What am I to do with that? I want to do well in school but wonder if 12 years away from a school atmosphere is going to hinder me or will it empower me?
Too many thoughts
Saturday, January 15, 2011
text books
WOW it is amazing how much text books cost! I have only just received what book I need for my math class. ( Class starts on Tuesday) and the book is going to cost me 130 bucks if I can't find it cheaper. Which also means that I have to scrounge up that much money. But God brought me to this class because I didn't settle for the Army crap jobs. So God is going to make it so I get this text book. I have zero doubts in this category. He will get this book for me even if its through ebay or some other such site :)
I am so excited to start school. I am looking most forward to the writing class! Hope this experience is all that I want it to be. I know it is going to be what I make of it. I am looking forward to working hard to get great grades and to increase my brain!
I am so excited to start school. I am looking most forward to the writing class! Hope this experience is all that I want it to be. I know it is going to be what I make of it. I am looking forward to working hard to get great grades and to increase my brain!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Oh Happy Day
Psalm 19[a]
For the director of music. A psalm of David. 1 The heavens declare the glory of God;the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
3 They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
4 Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
5 It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
and all of them are righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the honeycomb.
11 By them your servant is warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
~ Oh what a wonderful Psalm! It fits so perfectly. The Lord cares for us and he hears our prayers . I start school on Tuesday! a full 21 credit hours for the Spring Semester! If I don't join the Army, I'll take Biology and Chemistry and then I'll take the 2 year nursing program. In 3 years I will be a nurse. ( If this is the Lord's plan) I am so excited, and grateful! A great burden has been lifted from my shoulders. God is so good and so merciful and mighty.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
if only i knew a doctor
The last week or so I have had the worst middle back pain. It is a deep pain. Sometimes it fades so it isn't so noticeable and sometimes its so painful it takes my breath away. There is definitely some T.M.I with the other symptoms but I can't afford to go to a doctor to find out what is going on. I have some ideas but they are just ideas. Ideas don't tell you if it is fact. The cranberry juice doesn't seem to be working and it is sucking.
I know the title of this blog episode is "If only I knew a doctor", and I know one and He can cure all ailments but I believe that He gives us people to do that work on some cases. I just wish those people He gives us didn't have to charge money for their services.
This is draining and makes me want to help others that cannot afford to get help for medical needs. I think this is God's way of confirming the area he wants me in. I just need to take the steps in the human world to get there because He cannot hand me everything. I can only ask Him to guide my human steps to the right path to do this job He has set out for me.
I know the title of this blog episode is "If only I knew a doctor", and I know one and He can cure all ailments but I believe that He gives us people to do that work on some cases. I just wish those people He gives us didn't have to charge money for their services.
This is draining and makes me want to help others that cannot afford to get help for medical needs. I think this is God's way of confirming the area he wants me in. I just need to take the steps in the human world to get there because He cannot hand me everything. I can only ask Him to guide my human steps to the right path to do this job He has set out for me.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
random rumblings
i am feeling very lazy. just like yesterday. I laid in my bed almost the entire day. did nothing except watch national geographic documentaries and relaxed. I even took a nap. today i feel just as lazy only i was mildly productive. had to run to the store to get a few things but just really wanted another day like yesterday.
it was super cold outside and that only made me more lazy. i could easily fall asleep right now but we are planning to go out tonight. i am not seeing that happening as the wonderful spouse is still in bed. i have not seen him come from the room at all.
im thinking we need to phone the folks we were supposed to hang out with and reschedule. i always feel badly doing that tho. i am afraid they will take it personally if we cancel. ug. what to do .
if i fall asleep on the couch i wonder what will happen. although i am simply tempted to go up stairs and curl up next to my better half and see if he wakes me up.
it was super cold outside and that only made me more lazy. i could easily fall asleep right now but we are planning to go out tonight. i am not seeing that happening as the wonderful spouse is still in bed. i have not seen him come from the room at all.
im thinking we need to phone the folks we were supposed to hang out with and reschedule. i always feel badly doing that tho. i am afraid they will take it personally if we cancel. ug. what to do .
if i fall asleep on the couch i wonder what will happen. although i am simply tempted to go up stairs and curl up next to my better half and see if he wakes me up.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
just have to say
I have long since been a fan of medical dramas. It adds to my desire to be a nurse. The ore i think about it the more I want to be a Trauma Nurse. When it comes to medical emergencies, I think on my feet, it seems natural to me. I have had to give C.P.R. to people that are important to members of my family, I have had to take care of a child with a broken femur. I don't panic at the site of blood, in fact it fascinates me. The human body fascinates me.
Now I wonder, "WHY, WHY has it taken me so long to realize this? Why is it that now that I know for certain what I want to do, does it seems I can't do it, that I am not allowed to do it?
I know that I am supposed to wait on the Lord for all the things that are meant to be. This feels like what I imagine an artist feels like after losing his hand in some horrible accident. Please pray that I find peace no matter what the Lord has in store for me be it what I want or not.
I also realize that on top of wanting to be a Trauma Nurse I want to do it in the military. I am a compassionate, loving and caring woman. I am strong when I need to be and determined when I want something. I love helping people that need help, I feel fulfilled when I help others. I know that there are many warriors that need what I have to offer to help them get better. I have been groomed since childhood to care for people.
Lord let your will be my will. Grant me patience and peace and a sense of calm that I may know you are in control of all that there is. You only have my best interest in heart.
Now I wonder, "WHY, WHY has it taken me so long to realize this? Why is it that now that I know for certain what I want to do, does it seems I can't do it, that I am not allowed to do it?
I know that I am supposed to wait on the Lord for all the things that are meant to be. This feels like what I imagine an artist feels like after losing his hand in some horrible accident. Please pray that I find peace no matter what the Lord has in store for me be it what I want or not.
I also realize that on top of wanting to be a Trauma Nurse I want to do it in the military. I am a compassionate, loving and caring woman. I am strong when I need to be and determined when I want something. I love helping people that need help, I feel fulfilled when I help others. I know that there are many warriors that need what I have to offer to help them get better. I have been groomed since childhood to care for people.
Lord let your will be my will. Grant me patience and peace and a sense of calm that I may know you are in control of all that there is. You only have my best interest in heart.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If ever you need proof
So yesterday parusing the news on Yahoo. I came across the story of a homeless man that used to be a radio voice guy. WHAT A VOICE. He had fallen into the trap of the world and was involved with drugs and alcohol and through all that he lost his job and his respect and self.
I am amazed and lifted up by this mans story. He got himself clean ( 2 years now) and was living off the generosity of others who would give him money. I was listening to the updated story this evening with my children and He counts God as his savior. He found in his time as a homeless man lost and lonely that there truly is God. He said he had his hour with God every day and he thanked him for every thing that was given to him. He prayed that he would rebound. God brought this man to his Knees so that he could LOOK UP to him and not depend on himself.
I was reminded of a blog post by a fellow blogger who stated that we are given troubles not so we can carry them but so that we will rely on God to carry them for us. ( I am paraphrasing here). I believe God brings us to the pit of our lives so that we will humble our hearts and look to him, to call out broken and bleeding and desperate for redemption. I know that he has heard me and lifted me up. I hope others can see that he really does exist and isn't just a side line observer of the world he created.
My husband asked me the other day if I believed God was always good. Of course my answer is Yes. Then he asked me if I believed there was evil. Of course I believe and answered Yes. Then he asked me How can God be so good if he allows bad things to happen to us and for evil to be in the world. ( he is taking a philosophy class). I told him that I believe God has our best interests in heart and he knows what is best for us. He allows evil in the world so that we will trust him and choose him. He asked me something else and I can't quite recall what it was just that I know I didn't know how to answer it. He said that He has a simple way to explain this but he couldn't tell me right now because he wants me to think for myself and didn't want me to adopt his answer or influence me in anyway. He said it was an important question because there will come a day When I have to defend my belief to someone that doesn't believe in God. He wanted me to think about how I can help someone to see the love of God that didn't know it.
The thing is. I know with out any doubt that God is good and that there is evil in the world. I believe he allows evil things to happen to us so that we may HELP those that are going through it. He wants us to go through those things so we can some way relate to him. Think of all the times he asked his people to love only Him as their God and they chose to bow down before other gods. He asked us not to defile ourselves and then there was Lot offering his daughters to those crazed men so they would not rape and defile the angle of the Lord. He wants us to feel the pain He feels each time we reject him. He wants us to choose to love him. He is our father and knows what is best for us. But being human, we often have to learn from our own experiences. Take a look back at your life... remember that time your parent told you not to do something because you could get hurt? Remember not believing them and then getting hurt because you did it anyway? Isn't that what we do every day that we don't listen to God?
I often wonder how people don't believe in God when I see the rays of the sun shooting down through gray clouds. Or the wonderful colors of the sunset and sunrise. I see his fury in the shape of Tornados and Volcanos or Tsunamis and Hurricanes. Yet I see his love each time I see a rainbow. He reminds us of his promise not to destroy the earth with a flood. I see the love each time I see the trees blossoming with new life of fresh leave buds.
I only hope that some one will be swayed by my thoughts to not give up on God or their quest for purpose with Him.
I am amazed and lifted up by this mans story. He got himself clean ( 2 years now) and was living off the generosity of others who would give him money. I was listening to the updated story this evening with my children and He counts God as his savior. He found in his time as a homeless man lost and lonely that there truly is God. He said he had his hour with God every day and he thanked him for every thing that was given to him. He prayed that he would rebound. God brought this man to his Knees so that he could LOOK UP to him and not depend on himself.
I was reminded of a blog post by a fellow blogger who stated that we are given troubles not so we can carry them but so that we will rely on God to carry them for us. ( I am paraphrasing here). I believe God brings us to the pit of our lives so that we will humble our hearts and look to him, to call out broken and bleeding and desperate for redemption. I know that he has heard me and lifted me up. I hope others can see that he really does exist and isn't just a side line observer of the world he created.
My husband asked me the other day if I believed God was always good. Of course my answer is Yes. Then he asked me if I believed there was evil. Of course I believe and answered Yes. Then he asked me How can God be so good if he allows bad things to happen to us and for evil to be in the world. ( he is taking a philosophy class). I told him that I believe God has our best interests in heart and he knows what is best for us. He allows evil in the world so that we will trust him and choose him. He asked me something else and I can't quite recall what it was just that I know I didn't know how to answer it. He said that He has a simple way to explain this but he couldn't tell me right now because he wants me to think for myself and didn't want me to adopt his answer or influence me in anyway. He said it was an important question because there will come a day When I have to defend my belief to someone that doesn't believe in God. He wanted me to think about how I can help someone to see the love of God that didn't know it.
The thing is. I know with out any doubt that God is good and that there is evil in the world. I believe he allows evil things to happen to us so that we may HELP those that are going through it. He wants us to go through those things so we can some way relate to him. Think of all the times he asked his people to love only Him as their God and they chose to bow down before other gods. He asked us not to defile ourselves and then there was Lot offering his daughters to those crazed men so they would not rape and defile the angle of the Lord. He wants us to feel the pain He feels each time we reject him. He wants us to choose to love him. He is our father and knows what is best for us. But being human, we often have to learn from our own experiences. Take a look back at your life... remember that time your parent told you not to do something because you could get hurt? Remember not believing them and then getting hurt because you did it anyway? Isn't that what we do every day that we don't listen to God?
I often wonder how people don't believe in God when I see the rays of the sun shooting down through gray clouds. Or the wonderful colors of the sunset and sunrise. I see his fury in the shape of Tornados and Volcanos or Tsunamis and Hurricanes. Yet I see his love each time I see a rainbow. He reminds us of his promise not to destroy the earth with a flood. I see the love each time I see the trees blossoming with new life of fresh leave buds.
I only hope that some one will be swayed by my thoughts to not give up on God or their quest for purpose with Him.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Just because
I was digging through the mounds of over 500 cds that my husband owns and found one that he gave me several years ago. I am a fan of Norah Jones. she has one of those sultry voices. She sings often like a lullabye that sooths the aches in a weary soul.
My husband got it for me while we were going through a rough patch and he slipped in a piece of wrapping paper with Just Because written on it. he slipped it into the cover of the cd so that when ever I see it I am reminded that he loves me just because.
I think its because God designed him for me. He often carries me through dark parts of my self as if he is God's caregiver for me. He encourages me to be strong and look my fears in the face and over come them. That is what I am reminded of every time I see this particular c.d.
God is with me in the physical form of my husband. I have trully been blessed
My husband got it for me while we were going through a rough patch and he slipped in a piece of wrapping paper with Just Because written on it. he slipped it into the cover of the cd so that when ever I see it I am reminded that he loves me just because.
I think its because God designed him for me. He often carries me through dark parts of my self as if he is God's caregiver for me. He encourages me to be strong and look my fears in the face and over come them. That is what I am reminded of every time I see this particular c.d.
God is with me in the physical form of my husband. I have trully been blessed
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)