So it seems that I am struggling lately with positive out looks. Work seems to bring me down when I am faced daily with the things that I am not doing to the perfection that I want and that my boss wants. It's disheartening when I think I am doing better only to be told " I am losing patience with you, You are driving me crazy." or when my willingness to work is called into question. It makes it very difficult not to allow my frustration to make me cry infront of my accuser. It makes me angry.
I have to remember to lay it all at my father's feet and be willing to be sharpened by his stone and fire. I know he gave me this job and I know that he is providing for me. He only disciplines those that he loves. I am being disciplined because he loves me. He wants me to learn things at this position to take on to the next one. It's hard to keep it all in perspective.
I just want to be willing to be open to change and to be a true light to the goodness that is God. I want to stop doing it for me and do it all for him.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
dealing with guilt
so.. I am guilty of not protecting the innocent because I didn't want to deal with what was done to me. Not once not twice but many times in my life. I have hidden it and run from it. written poetry about it. Woken in the middle of the night from the hands that are not there.
I have hidden so much of it that I don't even have whole memories of it at young ages that it happened. I remember the first time tho, I was 4. He was baby sitting us and instead of tucking me in like he should have or stayed out of my room like he should have, he did other things.
I was 5 and a different him came into the bathroom when I was in there. I don't remember him, not his face or his hands or what clothes he was wearing. I was five and he is now a blurr as if I have no glasses on.
There were other times by other men. All left to take care of me. people but incharge of my safety by parents that couldn't be bothered with it themselves.
The last time I was 12. I spent the night to baby sit early the next morning. Only I didn't cause he quit his job so he could stay at the house and touch me while I slept after watching his filth. I woke up to pain and feeling gross. I stayed there lying still hoping and wishing it wasn't happening again. I knew it was wrong what he was doing. But I couldn't bring myself to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Those children I was left to take care of , children that I love I didn't take care of them.
How do I deal with that guilt ? How do I cope with the anger that those people hurt me enough that I could allow them to hurt others? How do I ask for forgiveness for such a sick crime?
I have hidden so much of it that I don't even have whole memories of it at young ages that it happened. I remember the first time tho, I was 4. He was baby sitting us and instead of tucking me in like he should have or stayed out of my room like he should have, he did other things.
I was 5 and a different him came into the bathroom when I was in there. I don't remember him, not his face or his hands or what clothes he was wearing. I was five and he is now a blurr as if I have no glasses on.
There were other times by other men. All left to take care of me. people but incharge of my safety by parents that couldn't be bothered with it themselves.
The last time I was 12. I spent the night to baby sit early the next morning. Only I didn't cause he quit his job so he could stay at the house and touch me while I slept after watching his filth. I woke up to pain and feeling gross. I stayed there lying still hoping and wishing it wasn't happening again. I knew it was wrong what he was doing. But I couldn't bring myself to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Those children I was left to take care of , children that I love I didn't take care of them.
How do I deal with that guilt ? How do I cope with the anger that those people hurt me enough that I could allow them to hurt others? How do I ask for forgiveness for such a sick crime?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
just another day
It was so gray yesterday, I thought I was turning into the gray fuzz that appears on the t.v. when the cable is out. Back in the old days when you could get free t.v. with an antenna. You know, the kind that showed fuzzy pictures and warbled sound if you didn't have the antenna in just the precise placement or if you didn't hold it with tinfoil wrapped around it. A discombobulated mass of picture and sound. That was how I felt walking around in the cold of my own skin and the over cast skies in a leaveless fall.
The not unhappy or happy feeling of being. I wanted to curl onto the couch and hybernate into the very deepest corner cocooned in my favorite itchy wool blanket ( sweater and sweat shirts piled on for added measures) and drift off until the warmth of late spring roused me.Tthe cold does that to me, makes me wish for a deep and peaceful sleep like the bears. It was just the same this morning. Nestled comfortably under the covers next to the heater that is my husband seriously makes it hard to get up when the alarm goes off at 6 in the morning and start the day. But I am thankful that I am able to be warmed and snuggled by the man that God gifted to me.
I simply wish I could enjoy the seasons of cold like children do. Being too cold carries some small amounts physical painful for me. I do enjoy the look of the earth as it is blanketed in fresh fallen sheets and quilts of untouched snow. The sound of the kids laughing and playing in it is also heart filling. I enjoy the manual labor that takes place with my son when he and I shovel the snow together.
This year will be different on that department as we live in a place where we don't have to shovel the powder into giant piles. I wonder if he will miss that time with me. As much as I dislike being cold, I loved the physical exersion it takes to plow through the snow that cakes the side walks and the drive. I am starting to think it is because it brings with it the promise of a large, very LARGE cup of cocoa with whipped cream and a hot shower. ( I am a fool for a good hot shower ). Or maybe its when I get to be the one to start the war of snowballs by shoveling the snow onto his head. I think this is going to be the last winter I will be taller than him. 12 is bringing on the changes in my little boy.
He is not yet a teen ager but deffinately not a little guy anymore. He measures himself against me at least three times a week anxious for the day he can say he is taller than me. I am not sure I am looking forward to that day, the day my first born realizes he is bigger than his mother. It is kind of a scary, happy, sad thing to think about, the growing up of our kids. I am very lucky though, in that he still hugs me and kisses me infront of his friends and that he still curls up next to me on the couch when we watch movies. He is a heater like his daddy. He keeps me warm and fuzzy inside with love.
My cup seriously runneth over with blessings. I don't even know that I deserve them, but take them gratefully.
The not unhappy or happy feeling of being. I wanted to curl onto the couch and hybernate into the very deepest corner cocooned in my favorite itchy wool blanket ( sweater and sweat shirts piled on for added measures) and drift off until the warmth of late spring roused me.Tthe cold does that to me, makes me wish for a deep and peaceful sleep like the bears. It was just the same this morning. Nestled comfortably under the covers next to the heater that is my husband seriously makes it hard to get up when the alarm goes off at 6 in the morning and start the day. But I am thankful that I am able to be warmed and snuggled by the man that God gifted to me.
I simply wish I could enjoy the seasons of cold like children do. Being too cold carries some small amounts physical painful for me. I do enjoy the look of the earth as it is blanketed in fresh fallen sheets and quilts of untouched snow. The sound of the kids laughing and playing in it is also heart filling. I enjoy the manual labor that takes place with my son when he and I shovel the snow together.
This year will be different on that department as we live in a place where we don't have to shovel the powder into giant piles. I wonder if he will miss that time with me. As much as I dislike being cold, I loved the physical exersion it takes to plow through the snow that cakes the side walks and the drive. I am starting to think it is because it brings with it the promise of a large, very LARGE cup of cocoa with whipped cream and a hot shower. ( I am a fool for a good hot shower ). Or maybe its when I get to be the one to start the war of snowballs by shoveling the snow onto his head. I think this is going to be the last winter I will be taller than him. 12 is bringing on the changes in my little boy.
He is not yet a teen ager but deffinately not a little guy anymore. He measures himself against me at least three times a week anxious for the day he can say he is taller than me. I am not sure I am looking forward to that day, the day my first born realizes he is bigger than his mother. It is kind of a scary, happy, sad thing to think about, the growing up of our kids. I am very lucky though, in that he still hugs me and kisses me infront of his friends and that he still curls up next to me on the couch when we watch movies. He is a heater like his daddy. He keeps me warm and fuzzy inside with love.
My cup seriously runneth over with blessings. I don't even know that I deserve them, but take them gratefully.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Veterans Day
My simpe message today is simply THANK YOU to al that served and are surving and have lost and will lose their lives for the freedoms that we have today. You have no idea how grateful I am for your sacrifices. You inspire me to do better and serve my country and my God more faithfully. You are not forgotten.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Funerals and Protest
funerals and protests
I don't care what you believe about gay people if its a sin or not. Because God told me "let ye who is with out sin cast the first stone." I believe there is something about love the sinner and not the sin. But to protest at a SOLDIERS funural is dispicable to me. You are hurting not that brave man or woman that died fighting for a country that he or she believed in but those people that love him. How can you claim to be a "Little CHRIST" if you are demanding death to people and are not treating people how you wish to be treated, if you are not loving your enemy as yourself because it is easy to love your brother?
How 'bout what it says in Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" This one comes often to my mind when I catch myself being Judgemental. Would I want God, My loving and faithful Father to judge me the way inwhich I am judging this person? The answer is ALWAYS "NO!!!!!" Who would want to be judged by those standards? I have found we often get upset when we are judged but we don't give it ten seconds thought when we are the one doing this crime.
Anyway, I am writing this blog because I am sickened to my core that people think it is ok to protest at anyone's funural. And yet I am given a ray of hope when scanning the news and see that St. Charles county is telling the ACLU to suck it! ( know I know I shouldn't feel or think , talk or type that but its what I am feeling) with reguards to the courts saying it is unconstitutional to ban protesting at funurals. Manly because of that Church in Kansas or some place that goes all over the country protesting at the funurals of fallen soldiers because our country is accepting of gay people and that the death of every soldier is what happens when you go against God. here is a link to the story I am refering to : the news artical
But like I said before, God doesn't want us to be like this! HE wants us to promote love! Because when we love we are showing the world HIS MIGHTY UNFAILING LOVE!!!!
I pray that the world opens up their eyes and sees His truth that it is HIS job to provide judgement and punishments not ours!
I don't care what you believe about gay people if its a sin or not. Because God told me "let ye who is with out sin cast the first stone." I believe there is something about love the sinner and not the sin. But to protest at a SOLDIERS funural is dispicable to me. You are hurting not that brave man or woman that died fighting for a country that he or she believed in but those people that love him. How can you claim to be a "Little CHRIST" if you are demanding death to people and are not treating people how you wish to be treated, if you are not loving your enemy as yourself because it is easy to love your brother?
How 'bout what it says in Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" This one comes often to my mind when I catch myself being Judgemental. Would I want God, My loving and faithful Father to judge me the way inwhich I am judging this person? The answer is ALWAYS "NO!!!!!" Who would want to be judged by those standards? I have found we often get upset when we are judged but we don't give it ten seconds thought when we are the one doing this crime.
Anyway, I am writing this blog because I am sickened to my core that people think it is ok to protest at anyone's funural. And yet I am given a ray of hope when scanning the news and see that St. Charles county is telling the ACLU to suck it! ( know I know I shouldn't feel or think , talk or type that but its what I am feeling) with reguards to the courts saying it is unconstitutional to ban protesting at funurals. Manly because of that Church in Kansas or some place that goes all over the country protesting at the funurals of fallen soldiers because our country is accepting of gay people and that the death of every soldier is what happens when you go against God. here is a link to the story I am refering to : the news artical
But like I said before, God doesn't want us to be like this! HE wants us to promote love! Because when we love we are showing the world HIS MIGHTY UNFAILING LOVE!!!!
I pray that the world opens up their eyes and sees His truth that it is HIS job to provide judgement and punishments not ours!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Letters to God
The title of todays note comes from the movie of the same title. Im not far into the movie but feel the need to pause and make note of how I have often thought of writing a journal and having it be nothing but letters to my Father. I wonder if it would help me deal with things that I struggle with or if it would even matter as he already knows the things I think and have hidden in my heart. Even if those things are not technically hidden, just things I choose not to tell peope. I some times choose not to write the notes because I find myself talking to him, (even if it's just in my head). Does talking to Him in my head even count?
Is it weird that I find it a bit selfish when I talk to God? I mean it seems like I ramble on and on and sometimes repeat what it is I have said or am saying. Isn't there a passage where it tells us not to ramble because he finds it offensive? I'll have to find it and research it. But back to the selfishness of talking to him. I talk so much sometimes that I don't hear what he is saying. I think that goes hand in hand with not reading his words as often as I know I should. I need to put more effort into that portion of our relationship.
Now that I think of this title, I may just create a blog of nothing but letters to Him. A simple plaine update every day.
Is it weird that I find it a bit selfish when I talk to God? I mean it seems like I ramble on and on and sometimes repeat what it is I have said or am saying. Isn't there a passage where it tells us not to ramble because he finds it offensive? I'll have to find it and research it. But back to the selfishness of talking to him. I talk so much sometimes that I don't hear what he is saying. I think that goes hand in hand with not reading his words as often as I know I should. I need to put more effort into that portion of our relationship.
Now that I think of this title, I may just create a blog of nothing but letters to Him. A simple plaine update every day.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Says it all
He is awesome He knows what we need and he provides. When we admit we are weak but have faith He will come through he does. I am grateful.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
its a day
i watched the sky go from sunny to dark gray. It made me feel sad and hopeless today and uncertain about the future. I can usually talk myself out of these moods and today I feel as tho I failed. Today, I wanted to stay in bed curled up next to my husband safe in his arms and warm. But I had to get up and I had to go to work. I didn't want to.
Why do I want to cry and just be alone and not alone at the same time. It doesn't make sense I know but that is where I am right now.
I fully believe that God will pick me up and cradle me like a good Daddy does when his daughter just feels sad about nothing . I just wish winter and the cold didn't make me feel down and bruised deep inside like my soul was being beaten to make me want to sleep until I feel better.
Why do I want to cry and just be alone and not alone at the same time. It doesn't make sense I know but that is where I am right now.
I fully believe that God will pick me up and cradle me like a good Daddy does when his daughter just feels sad about nothing . I just wish winter and the cold didn't make me feel down and bruised deep inside like my soul was being beaten to make me want to sleep until I feel better.
Monday, November 1, 2010
He knew me first
So I am reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and am struck by how insignificant my love for God has been.
Reading Jeremiah ( my favorite book in the bible) and I am smacked by how Great God is. Check this out
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
What do you think about when you read that? I have read this scripture many many times and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It is most hard to fathom at times that He knew me. Scratch that , that he KNOWS me. even before he placed me in my mother's belly to grow and be nurtured. He knew / knows every mistake I've made and will make. All the hurts that I will go through in my whole life and the hurts that I will give others. He gave me my strengths ( even the ones I don't know about) and the weaknesses too.
That part that I find hardest to comprehend is that he LOVES me, really really LOVES ME KNOWING ALL OF THIS!!!
Knowing this and reading it again always brings me back to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you Says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
THAT is the kind of God we have. He has this plan for all of us. It is simply up to us to accept his plan.
Reading Jeremiah ( my favorite book in the bible) and I am smacked by how Great God is. Check this out
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
What do you think about when you read that? I have read this scripture many many times and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It is most hard to fathom at times that He knew me. Scratch that , that he KNOWS me. even before he placed me in my mother's belly to grow and be nurtured. He knew / knows every mistake I've made and will make. All the hurts that I will go through in my whole life and the hurts that I will give others. He gave me my strengths ( even the ones I don't know about) and the weaknesses too.
That part that I find hardest to comprehend is that he LOVES me, really really LOVES ME KNOWING ALL OF THIS!!!
Knowing this and reading it again always brings me back to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you Says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
THAT is the kind of God we have. He has this plan for all of us. It is simply up to us to accept his plan.
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