loose leaf with no pen near by

The page before me is blank., it talks and tells me to write but it doesn't tell me what to write. Why can't it just be clear and tell me what I should say? I feel frustrated that there are so many words in my head but none of them make it to the paper. They come and dance in my head as I am drifting off to sleep. I am either too lazy to get up and grab my journal or I am too tired. I don't want to wake anyone by turning on the light, or shuffling through my book to find a clean sheet of lined heaven. I fool myself into believing that I will remember those bouncing words in the morning if I repeat them over and over. Only problem is, I add new words as I repeat the others. A battle I don't think I am ever going to win. It's depressing, that is usually when my best writings never happen. Maybe I should be more determined to get them down. I am not determined though... I don't know what I am. Maybe I am like John the baptist searching through the desert eating bugs and drinking honey only my bugs and honey are words that feed me in my near sleep state. Yeah, probably not.

I have so much on my mind I couldn't write something straight anyway. I take the asvab on Monday and I want to do well. I hope for something over 65 but am afraid no matter how much I study or how many practice tests I take, I will still end up with the 45 that I got on the practice test at the recruiters office and that I'll get stuck with some horrible job that will make me dread ever having wanted to join. I know its not about me and I have to do this to help take care of my family. I WANT to do this don't get me wrong, I am simply afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid to try because I have to step outside of my comfort zones. I am NOT good with stepping out of my little box of being complacent. Am I EVER GONNA GROW UP?
On Tuesday I do the physical and I am trying not to worry that they will find something that will keep me out even if I do well on the test.
Lets say I blow it all out of the water, what happens if I end up with PTSD? What is going to happen to my family?
Logic tells me that playing the WHAT IF GAME is the stupidest thing I can do because I will never know If I don't actually get up and do it. And there is no way to know these things. I know it is the Evil One trying to fill my head with doubt. I know that if this is what I am supposed to do for God, NOTHING can stop me.
For He knows the plans He has for me! I shall not be wise in my own eyes because my eyes are blind.

I guess I did have something to say... but now I am exhausted and feel like crawling into bed with my pillow and my sheet ( its too hot for a comforter) and going to bed.