not my strong suit

I hate waiting. I am inpatient.  Still waiting to hear from MEPS about that eye appointment that they want me to have.  THIS SUCKS.  But I have to remind myself all in God's time and not my own. Serious test of patience if you ask me.   I called my recruiter today said he is finishing up my packet and sent in for all the waivers I may need.   Once the consult eye exam thing is done and approved I get to pick my MOS and find out when I go to boot camp.

Until then, I went up to the Animal Protection Agency today to see about volunteering.   I have to go through an orientation and such.  Those poor animals.  a LOT of pits were there.  some of the sweetest dogs I have ever seen. The kitties were adorable.  There was a tiny one that kept crying at the door for someone to come get him. I would have if I could have.  I am a huge sucker for kitties and pups.   There was a dog in the runs that reminded me of Bella.  She was sweet natured and kept putting her paw up on the door and trying to lick my face.  
One day, I will b eable to rescue as many of them as I can. Give them a home full of love.

am i stupid?

i must be.   because i keep doing things that I know will have a negative affect.  Yet I do them anyway.  Is it because I don't believe that those negative things will really happen or because I want those negative things to happen but just don't want to admit to it?    I know that I need to change and I make efforts but then I erase those efforts by going back to doing what I KNEW would undo them or make them seem ingenuine. I need to change but am finding it more difficult than I ever believed.   I don't want to be alone, at least I don't think I do, yet I am pushing the one person that wants to be there away.   I seriously hope that going through boot camp and AIT and all that stuff is going to help.

I am really disliking how I can turn a good day into a bad one so easily.  It's very annoying and it makes me hate myself. 

Amazing Grace in Answered Prayers

God is so good. He commands us to ask and it shall be given. I didn't want to ask for anything special just to know that I do what he wants me to do and for a sing that what I am thinking IS what He wants of me. I prayed that if HE wanted me to join that I would get an 80 on the ASVAB. I bombed the pretest, It was horrible I got only a 42. I went to the library and checked out a book to help me study and do well on the test. God answered, It was confirmed to me that I am supposed to be in the military. His time was not my time years ago. I scored an 81 Monday on the test! That is almost double what I did on the pretest. It was higher than I asked for confirmation for. If that is not a sure sign then I don't know what is. Gideon asked over and over for signs from our Mighty Lord.
Yesterday I was worried about my knees popping, NOT ONE TIME! I simply have to get a more comprehensive eye exam before I know for sure. It all looks good though and I am grateful and eager to do this thing that has been set before me.

Watch out world , Here I come to do the work of my Heavenly Father. With God on my side there is no way I can fail!

loose leaf with no pen near by

The page before me is blank., it talks and tells me to write but it doesn't tell me what to write. Why can't it just be clear and tell me what I should say? I feel frustrated that there are so many words in my head but none of them make it to the paper. They come and dance in my head as I am drifting off to sleep. I am either too lazy to get up and grab my journal or I am too tired. I don't want to wake anyone by turning on the light, or shuffling through my book to find a clean sheet of lined heaven. I fool myself into believing that I will remember those bouncing words in the morning if I repeat them over and over. Only problem is, I add new words as I repeat the others. A battle I don't think I am ever going to win. It's depressing, that is usually when my best writings never happen. Maybe I should be more determined to get them down. I am not determined though... I don't know what I am. Maybe I am like John the baptist searching through the desert eating bugs and drinking honey only my bugs and honey are words that feed me in my near sleep state. Yeah, probably not.

I have so much on my mind I couldn't write something straight anyway. I take the asvab on Monday and I want to do well. I hope for something over 65 but am afraid no matter how much I study or how many practice tests I take, I will still end up with the 45 that I got on the practice test at the recruiters office and that I'll get stuck with some horrible job that will make me dread ever having wanted to join. I know its not about me and I have to do this to help take care of my family. I WANT to do this don't get me wrong, I am simply afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid to try because I have to step outside of my comfort zones. I am NOT good with stepping out of my little box of being complacent. Am I EVER GONNA GROW UP?
On Tuesday I do the physical and I am trying not to worry that they will find something that will keep me out even if I do well on the test.
Lets say I blow it all out of the water, what happens if I end up with PTSD? What is going to happen to my family?
Logic tells me that playing the WHAT IF GAME is the stupidest thing I can do because I will never know If I don't actually get up and do it. And there is no way to know these things. I know it is the Evil One trying to fill my head with doubt. I know that if this is what I am supposed to do for God, NOTHING can stop me.
For He knows the plans He has for me! I shall not be wise in my own eyes because my eyes are blind.

I guess I did have something to say... but now I am exhausted and feel like crawling into bed with my pillow and my sheet ( its too hot for a comforter) and going to bed.