today

I am a piece of drift wood floating down the rapids
rushing toward the falls
I wait for the crash at the end
to see myself splintered
never again to be whole
dashed against the rocks that are in the way
scarred along the way
lost in illusions
misty fogs that clogs
the way of sight
clouded judgements and bad decisions
I am the disaster
that waiting to happen.

so.. here it is..

so today I sit and I think about the truth and how badly I want it and yet want to avoid it. I want to crawl to my bible and open it up and hold dear to my heart the things it is there to teach me. Yet I hold myself back because I don't want to hold that mirror in my hand and actually look at it.
I am a truth runner, I run from it because it's UGLY because I don't think there is a damn thing I can do to change anything about who I am. I am afraid to let Him most High take control of who I am.
I think of Gideon. The Lord came to him and called him MIGHTY WARRIOR. Gideon didn't believe him he tested and tested until he believed. Gideon reminded God he was the least of the least of the clans of Israel. I think I am at that place, the least of the least. I don't hear God whisper to me, I don't hear him yell at me nor do I hear Him talk. I know he is there looking down on me but I don't feel him. I am a feeler. I need to feel because I don't know how to use logic or wisdom. I wonder what God calls me. I am not a mighty warrior like Gideon, I am not brave like Deborah and I can't even say I am faithful like Naomi. I am a gentile. I am blackened by sins that are too numerous to count. Yet I yearn for something better of myself but lack the courage to take action to change the things about me that need to be changed.

Today I think about life and death. From the moment we are born, we are dying. Some of us here die peacefully at a ripe old age while others die painfully and tragic at a very tender innocent young age. I wonder why it is that way. I wonder if I am going to pass into death full of pain and regret or will I go peacefully and contented.

I started this blog as a way to journal my poetry and it feels like a safe place to put words to the the thought that swim inside that I don't want to let out. There is more to put but I know that I am not ready to put words in ink or voice . Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be ready. I wonder if I will ever be ready the way a woman of 30 should be. I am a frightened little girl in a woman's body.

the tests

There are many tests in daily life. Lately it feels as tho I am falling very far behind of where I should be.
I am reminded over and over what a small person I am, not only in though but actions. I have learned or reconfirmed that I just don't care about things. I pray that God will put that care and desire back into my heart or open my eyes and ears so that I can see it there.
I am struggling with being slow to speak and and quick to listen. Its a struggle I have had for a really long time. Can't say I have ever been good at it.
I have also realized that if faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain I am seriously lacking in that department.
There is an inpass in my life. I just don't know how to make the decision that needs to be made. I just wish someone else could make it for me. I know that that is fear talking and trying to take hold of my life. I need to allow for the grace that God has for me to just take root. Doing things my way doesn't work yet I keep doing them.
Why is it so easy to do what is wrong and so hard to do what is right? Like Paul said" I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I know I should" . Being wise in my own eyes is also something that is a deep struggle. There are so many things that need to be dealt with and some that are buried so deep that I don't even know how to open them up to the surface.


the clouds in my skies
grow darker
deeper than night
shutting out the sight
that keeps me
on your path.
The stars
that guide me
twinkly faintly
I know there is light
but I can't see it
nor does it's warm
seem into me.

woken from a dream

sometimes muses find us when we are sleeping. Sometimes those are the best writings.
on the 2oth I had one such awakening. I wouldn't say it's my best work but I woke myself up saying it out loud. clue that it needed to be put pen to paper.

here it is.

If you don't believe
than why should I?
There are no
Happy endings.
It's all
fairy tales
& white lies
Hurt to the bone
contusions on my
soul
An open ended
Illusion
meant to keep
all my gruesome
disillusions.
Whatever were we
thinking
Happy Every After
never existed
White Lies
and Fairy tales
Little girl dreams
woman realities...
There is no joy
Just the burdens
on my chest
You don't believe
why should I
No knights
in shinning armor
No romantic
rescues in store.
Don't get your hopes
UP
keep them down
grounded
'cause the
grass ain't any
greener~
just and uglier shade
on that other side
It' just looks
prettier from here
It's all just
fairy tales
white lies
dreams of the
broken hearted.