there are no answers that could matter

I have many questions about things from the past. I don't want the answers to these questions for they can offer nothing of goodness to my life.  They can only do harm.  But I have them, I don't want them and I don't know what to do with them.  These questions hurt me deeply they are questions for myself on why I did things that I did, Those I can answer, BUT its the other questions, the ones I have for other people, those are the ones that I don't want the answers to. The ones that can offer nothing to me to benefit my future.  I hope that  voicing that I have these questions will allow God to take them away from me.

The elephant that weighs

The last week has been rough with all the sinus infections and brochospasms and chest colds going around the house. The last few days I've had a cough that seems to be escalating. I have listened to my own lungs and hear nothing abnormal so I am not too concerned except it feels like the invisible elephant that sat on my chest has gained a few pounds in the last 36 hours.

We shall see how tomorrow fairs before I go make an appointment.  I hate being sick this time of year even if we aren't of the notion that you must follow with traditions.  I don't feel much like doing anything other than snuggling under the blankets and sleeping.

 I have been trying to force myself to study for the mental health exam we have coming up. I am so uninterested in this section that it is taking a lot to force myself to study. I think part of the problem is that I have short timers disease going on. It is the last test before we take our NCLEX and state boards.  I just want to do well and continue with the on the job training. I learn better that way than reading the material straight.  
Sigh;  I simply need more prayer and time with God.  I need him to help me sort out all the stress that is going through my head .  I need to lean on him to help me get to where it is he needs me to be, yet I am super impatient and want it yesterday.

writings from the vacant stair well

I haven't written in what feels like ten forevers. Sometimes I think I have forgotten how to. I feel as though I have lost touch with myself over the last year and a half, when really, I am simply getting to know a new part of me.
A wonderful friend asked me if I had been writing. She knows its how I cope and release and find my peace. I guess I have been so focused on the Army and becoming a Nurse that I have forgotten that I need this for me.
Not only has the Army /School focus taken me from my writing, but I have allowed it to take me from my family ( albeit only temporarily).
Tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with my son. I can't believe he is 14. I could tell he needed me. He needed the wisdom that comes with motherhood , growth and age.  Seems like the things he is going through are things I have just recently spoken with my husband about with regards to myself.  I am so grateful for the moments to be his mother and confident today.  I am reminded that God is supposed to be that for me  but I just haven't known how to reach out to him.  I am going to take the advice I gave my son and just Talk to Him most high that loves me more than anyone ever.  God gives us our children to remind us that we are his children and we sometimes need to cry to our Parents too. I am grateful for today's lesson.

I remember

I remember when


poetry found us,

Two souls

floating on the waves

of words inside

our lonesome heads.

It brought us together

where it bound us

in shared moments

of genuine

emotions raging

needs fast and racing.

13 years later

the poetry is forgotten

no sharing

of waves of words.

Loneliness riles

the seas inside us.

Fighting with ores

we try

we steer our canoes

reaching for

I remembers

to hold the binding

that poetry glued.

It has been a while but life is amazing. Nursing school for the Army is trying to murder me but I will overcome and be a great nurse.
 Last week end I got a new car. I love it.  but yesterday I got into a car accident.  I was making a left and didn't see a car coming and it crashed into me.  No one was hurt. Praising the Father for that.  I felt so horrible.  I think I need to slow down and be patient.  Good thing we have full coverage insurance.
 We also got a new puppy.  I love her spunky lil lazy attitude. We named her Nineveh and we call her Ninnie for short. She loves to play wii fit when someone else is on the wii board.