so.. here it is..

so today I sit and I think about the truth and how badly I want it and yet want to avoid it. I want to crawl to my bible and open it up and hold dear to my heart the things it is there to teach me. Yet I hold myself back because I don't want to hold that mirror in my hand and actually look at it.
I am a truth runner, I run from it because it's UGLY because I don't think there is a damn thing I can do to change anything about who I am. I am afraid to let Him most High take control of who I am.
I think of Gideon. The Lord came to him and called him MIGHTY WARRIOR. Gideon didn't believe him he tested and tested until he believed. Gideon reminded God he was the least of the least of the clans of Israel. I think I am at that place, the least of the least. I don't hear God whisper to me, I don't hear him yell at me nor do I hear Him talk. I know he is there looking down on me but I don't feel him. I am a feeler. I need to feel because I don't know how to use logic or wisdom. I wonder what God calls me. I am not a mighty warrior like Gideon, I am not brave like Deborah and I can't even say I am faithful like Naomi. I am a gentile. I am blackened by sins that are too numerous to count. Yet I yearn for something better of myself but lack the courage to take action to change the things about me that need to be changed.

Today I think about life and death. From the moment we are born, we are dying. Some of us here die peacefully at a ripe old age while others die painfully and tragic at a very tender innocent young age. I wonder why it is that way. I wonder if I am going to pass into death full of pain and regret or will I go peacefully and contented.

I started this blog as a way to journal my poetry and it feels like a safe place to put words to the the thought that swim inside that I don't want to let out. There is more to put but I know that I am not ready to put words in ink or voice . Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be ready. I wonder if I will ever be ready the way a woman of 30 should be. I am a frightened little girl in a woman's body.