so.. I am guilty of not protecting the innocent because I didn't want to deal with what was done to me. Not once not twice but many times in my life. I have hidden it and run from it. written poetry about it. Woken in the middle of the night from the hands that are not there.
I have hidden so much of it that I don't even have whole memories of it at young ages that it happened. I remember the first time tho, I was 4. He was baby sitting us and instead of tucking me in like he should have or stayed out of my room like he should have, he did other things.
I was 5 and a different him came into the bathroom when I was in there. I don't remember him, not his face or his hands or what clothes he was wearing. I was five and he is now a blurr as if I have no glasses on.
There were other times by other men. All left to take care of me. people but incharge of my safety by parents that couldn't be bothered with it themselves.
The last time I was 12. I spent the night to baby sit early the next morning. Only I didn't cause he quit his job so he could stay at the house and touch me while I slept after watching his filth. I woke up to pain and feeling gross. I stayed there lying still hoping and wishing it wasn't happening again. I knew it was wrong what he was doing. But I couldn't bring myself to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Those children I was left to take care of , children that I love I didn't take care of them.
How do I deal with that guilt ? How do I cope with the anger that those people hurt me enough that I could allow them to hurt others? How do I ask for forgiveness for such a sick crime?
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