my dad

He isn't an easy guy to love. In fact our relationship isn't the best. It isn't what every little girl thinks her relationship with her father will be when she grows up.  We had a falling out.  I married a man he didn't agree with. I had children with this man.  He wasn't happy about it. He voiced this on numerous occasions. We actually stopped talking for a long time.  I went to see him in 2009 to make my peace with him.  He heard what I had to say. He didn't really respond to what it was.  The one thing I have always wanted from him was simply, "I am sorry my selfishness has hurt you and that I couldn't see how wonderful you are."  

Now my dad is dying.  Really he has been dying for a long time. He drinks beyond the point of excess and he smokes more than that. His body has slowly been giving out on him.  Through talking with my husband and my brothers and sisters and the Lord, I have realized, I don't mourn for this man who's seed brought me into this world. I mourn for all those times I wanted where it was evident that he loved me and my siblings without shame. That my children would know his goofiness.  That we would be a close family always there for each other.  I mourn that those times with him will never be.  It's selfish really.   I don't hate my father. I love him in a way that I simply cannot explain.  

He lays in a bed in a hospital and he cannot communicate other than smiling or tearing up in his eyes, Yet he cannot give the one thing that would set us free from all that want that each of us five kids have.  The apology.   Coming to terms with this over the last few days has been a very emotional process. 

Just when I think I am good and I am at peace, those emotions rise up.  I feel society telling me with out words that I am supposed to rush to my dying father and be with him.  But what good will that do? I feel the approval of my siblings and my father himself, pull me to go even when I have not the means to do it.  Yet I have been told by all of my siblings that wanting to and not being able to are different than being able and not wanting to.  

What can I say to him that I have not said before?  Only one thing... I forgive you, Daddy, even though you haven't asked me to do it. 

As a little girl I delighted in being a Daddy's girl. Everything I did was to try to please a man that could not be pleased because he was unhappy in his own being for whatever he chose to allow to make him unhappy.  He has touched lives in good and bad ways.  I want to believe he has lifted up someone and made their life better.  

I hope that the amendments that need to be made are made before God makes it his time.  

It is not my duty to seek his approval anymore. As my brother said, He gave that gift to me when he disowned me for marrying a black man. He gave me a freedom I never chose to see, freedom from living up to whatever standard he had for me that was not mine.   I am grateful that I can now see it.

There is so much more I could say. I just find myself lacking the words.

I don't want to speak negatively or hear anyone else do it. I want to focus on the good things I remember.

He taught me how to bait a hook at 4 years old and to sit super quietly while I waited for the fish to come and gobble the worm on the hook. He used to play hide and seek in the dark with us and our friends and find the best hiding spots. 

I remember when I would get out of the shower and all dried off and in fresh pj's, he would sit and brush my hair until it was dry. I felt so treasured during those moments when I was little.

The camping trips, even when it was freezing man i loved those camping trips. The last one we went on I was 13 or 14 and we went up to Vega Reservoir and My brother and I were sitting around the fire roasting marsh mellows and he told us not to put our feet too close to the fire or our shoes would melt.  I guess I sat too close.  and then Chris' fishing pole fell in the lake. He had to get it and there were leeches in the water.  Dad laughed and laughed.

I am up late because I can't sleep knowing the condition he is in.  His brain is bleeding him to death. His body is depleted and from what my sister says, his mind is gone.  Now he is a scared old man that doesn't know his children and stared blankly at the wall.  I wonder what he sees as he stares at things no one else can see.  Is God judging him? Showing him all the things in his life that he did for good or bad? I know what I hope.

I wish that they could just give him enough morphine to allow him to slip into a sleep that will take him.  That they give him enough that his breathing is slowed and then stopped so he wont be scared and he wont feel the pain from his broken hip.  If he were a dog, he would have been euthanized by now.  Why is it that that would be "humane", but being a human it is assisted suicide and illegal and unethical?

I never realized how much I would miss him.  It broke my heart hearing my sister on the phone today, she is so strong and this makes her helpless. What can we do as children to love our parents? Especially after we have left them and have been joined to our spouses?

May his memory be good and live long.

there are no answers that could matter

I have many questions about things from the past. I don't want the answers to these questions for they can offer nothing of goodness to my life.  They can only do harm.  But I have them, I don't want them and I don't know what to do with them.  These questions hurt me deeply they are questions for myself on why I did things that I did, Those I can answer, BUT its the other questions, the ones I have for other people, those are the ones that I don't want the answers to. The ones that can offer nothing to me to benefit my future.  I hope that  voicing that I have these questions will allow God to take them away from me.

The elephant that weighs

The last week has been rough with all the sinus infections and brochospasms and chest colds going around the house. The last few days I've had a cough that seems to be escalating. I have listened to my own lungs and hear nothing abnormal so I am not too concerned except it feels like the invisible elephant that sat on my chest has gained a few pounds in the last 36 hours.

We shall see how tomorrow fairs before I go make an appointment.  I hate being sick this time of year even if we aren't of the notion that you must follow with traditions.  I don't feel much like doing anything other than snuggling under the blankets and sleeping.

 I have been trying to force myself to study for the mental health exam we have coming up. I am so uninterested in this section that it is taking a lot to force myself to study. I think part of the problem is that I have short timers disease going on. It is the last test before we take our NCLEX and state boards.  I just want to do well and continue with the on the job training. I learn better that way than reading the material straight.  
Sigh;  I simply need more prayer and time with God.  I need him to help me sort out all the stress that is going through my head .  I need to lean on him to help me get to where it is he needs me to be, yet I am super impatient and want it yesterday.

writings from the vacant stair well

I haven't written in what feels like ten forevers. Sometimes I think I have forgotten how to. I feel as though I have lost touch with myself over the last year and a half, when really, I am simply getting to know a new part of me.
A wonderful friend asked me if I had been writing. She knows its how I cope and release and find my peace. I guess I have been so focused on the Army and becoming a Nurse that I have forgotten that I need this for me.
Not only has the Army /School focus taken me from my writing, but I have allowed it to take me from my family ( albeit only temporarily).
Tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with my son. I can't believe he is 14. I could tell he needed me. He needed the wisdom that comes with motherhood , growth and age.  Seems like the things he is going through are things I have just recently spoken with my husband about with regards to myself.  I am so grateful for the moments to be his mother and confident today.  I am reminded that God is supposed to be that for me  but I just haven't known how to reach out to him.  I am going to take the advice I gave my son and just Talk to Him most high that loves me more than anyone ever.  God gives us our children to remind us that we are his children and we sometimes need to cry to our Parents too. I am grateful for today's lesson.

I remember

I remember when


poetry found us,

Two souls

floating on the waves

of words inside

our lonesome heads.

It brought us together

where it bound us

in shared moments

of genuine

emotions raging

needs fast and racing.

13 years later

the poetry is forgotten

no sharing

of waves of words.

Loneliness riles

the seas inside us.

Fighting with ores

we try

we steer our canoes

reaching for

I remembers

to hold the binding

that poetry glued.

It has been a while but life is amazing. Nursing school for the Army is trying to murder me but I will overcome and be a great nurse.
 Last week end I got a new car. I love it.  but yesterday I got into a car accident.  I was making a left and didn't see a car coming and it crashed into me.  No one was hurt. Praising the Father for that.  I felt so horrible.  I think I need to slow down and be patient.  Good thing we have full coverage insurance.
 We also got a new puppy.  I love her spunky lil lazy attitude. We named her Nineveh and we call her Ninnie for short. She loves to play wii fit when someone else is on the wii board.

its been six months or more since my last update, I am now an Army Combat Medic.  I have gained some awesome experiences and am so much more grateful for the things in my life.  God has truly blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve.

In January I head to a follow on school for the Army and will become a Licensed Practical Nurse and that will help me greatly in achieving my RN.   I know that none of this could be possible with out the support of my family and God's awesome will.

the timing

I can't help the counting of hours and seeing the tears that are welling and not being let to slip.  She is 11 and full of emotions  and they often conflict.  I feel somewhat guilty at having to go away, but i know that i need to do this.  I need to take care of me to be able to take care of her and her siblings to the best of my abilities.    It is simply hard to have to leave them when I have been the constant for them. This will be good for me and it has been something I have wanted to do since I was 12.  It is scary to realize a dream that has been long dreamed.
.

Time is a Bird

The feathers that make that ticking and tocking have grown and can not be trimmed back.  3 days left, well really its 2 days, and I start the process of meeting my dreams head on.  I pray that I will be mentally steadfast and not give in. I pray also that God grants me the wisdom to know and do what is right the entire time  I am away from my family.

11 days and counting

Eager and apprehensive

I stop as I run

taking my eyes from the ribbon

from the race I am running

Over my shoulder

glance my eyes

They look on you

, my flaws

and my heart sings,

You have not won!

My portals peep

over my clavecal

to the four little heads

almost my height

I wish to grab a hold

to shrink you

place you in my pocket

carry you on my journey


It is not to be

My journey is for me

No growth will come


should you tag along .


My path before

I must tread alone

to come back stronger

,a conqueror of my fears,

A leader to my off shoots.


The pages of the year turn

a little too fast

I am eager and apprehensive

To be whom My God determined me to be.

Totally AWESOME DUDE

Today was magnificant.  We went to the Gateway area Ms MudRun.  Got totally dirty.  6.2 miles of running and muddy obsticals.   It was so much fun and it was for such a great cause. 

I have to say my fave parts were the rope wall climb.  the 25 foot wall climb and the obsticals at the pond.  We had to go through the storm drain under the street and then run 1/4 a mile to the pond where we had to jump in and go under a log and then swim to the other side and run to the next obsticle was to run across a bridge that was a bunch of wabbly  wipe out type squares that were all wet.   A and I jumped off at the end to just to get a refreshing swim.

I didn't not think it would be a bad idea to wear camo bdu's and combat boots.  It was. Next year I'll wear spandex pants and tennis shoes.    Every time we had to get wet,  my pants would slosh and my shoes would squish.  One of the team mates was calling me squishy.  It was awesome tho.

At the end we had to jump off a plat form that was ten feet up into a pit that was 6 feet deep.  That was the most mentally challenging for me as I HATE heights.  then we had to swim through 25 yards of muddy water, climb a muddy hill and slide down a muddy slide into a muddy pit.   It was so awesome.  After that , we got hosed off by a fire truck and got free food and massages and a professional trainer stretched us out.

It was one of the most rewarding experieces of my life.  We plan to do this every year.  The best part for me was doing it with A.  We worked as a team with our team members and the atmosphere was so encouraging and fun.  How often do you get to randomly hug strangers and hear people cheer each other on?

It was awesome!

from front to back :  Cindy, Ken, Me, Jared, Aaron.  Team The Dutch Mudders!!!

wordless Wednesday

WOW life is throwing it at me

This has definitely been a week of total chaos and displacement.   My mother went into the hospital on Monday for leg numbness.  She has C.O.P.D. and has been dealing with lots of blockage in her leg.  She had an angioplasty a couple of weeks ago and she had to have another one Monday.  There was a lot of cellular waste build up and had to have a different surgery to put in a drainage tube to allow the waste to drain. She still may lose her leg.  

To add to that worry, yesterday my father's roommate called me to let me know that he was taken to the e.r. for shortness of breath and trouble breathing.  If you don't know my dad you wouldn't realize how big a deal this is as, he HATES going to the doctor.   The doctors in the e.r. gave him a nebulizer treatment but that didn't help.  He eventually stopped breathing.  He is intibated and sedated. 
When I called the ICU today they informed me that I am the point of contact and the one named as next of Kin to make decisions for my father's life.  He will also be on the ventilator for at least 48 hours to see if his lungs will heal.  I was also asked if Dad had any wishes with regards to resusitation.  That was kind of hard to hear.  I know Dad has always told me he doesn't want any extra ordinary measure taken to prolong his life because he believes that when it is his time to go, it is his time.  
The doctor is going to be calling me sometime this evening or tomorrow to talk about all of this with me. 

We know as adults that there will be a time when we are called upon to make these decisions for our parents but we never really expect it to happen.  I really pray that God guides my brothers and sisters and I through these challenges with our parents.  I pray that he gives us all peace and courage and strength to face them with honor and wisdom.  I hope that we can see each one of these instances as a way to show how much our parents matter to us inspite of or despite all the trials and errors that we have gone through together.
I am very grateful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my father in 2009.  I am more than deeply relieved that I made the decision to let go of all the animosity that was held up in my heart because now I can look back and see the good not just the bad.

I find the timing for both of my parents to take ill quite horrible as I leave in a month for basic training.  I know that at least this is happening before I go.  I know that I should expect, in the just incase instance,  a phone call while I am gone giving me the dreaded news of the loss of one of my parents.  I am just glad that I am able to prepare for that event should it happen and will be most relieved if I don't get that call for several more years.  There are so many people that never get the chance to prepare because it is sudden or simply not soon enought to wrap their minds around what is happening. 

I miss you

Been thinking about my grand mothers and my aunt lately as well as my best friends mama.  These women all made a huge impact on my life. I learned something from each one of them and feel as though I lost them all way before I should have.
J.B. definitely feels this way about Ms. Hope.   She was a great mother and just the same to all of her adopted kids too.  
I miss the things we used to do and talk about.  I always thought these women would be in my life forever, that they would be there to coach me through the rough days in my life with my kids, but they aren't and it makes me sad.

If only for one moment I could hug them all again and let them know how much they mean to me and how tightly I hold them dear to my heart.

wordless wednesday

hollow rusted out shell




former grace



turned and spurned



soiled in the dust



mucked up and mired



in dishonest recourse



a being unbeknownst to myself.



where have I gone



where am I hiding?

hidden in a dark place
 
screatching out for help
 
but no rope doeth
dwindle for my grasph

been a minute or an hour

The realization that life is a roller coaster and I cannot allow the bad to out weigh the good.
I am soo looking forward to the future. I have 48 days until I start the journey of soldier. It is so awesome.  I went to my first Reserve Drill week end.  We got to take down a moble hospital tent called a temper tent.
Things are getting better at home. 
God is taking control of my life and I am grateful that I have a God that loves me and forgives me and knew all the things I was and am going to do before I ever was even a thought in the world of humanity. 

sigh

Had a much better evening than the afternoon.  I took a moment or 20 to go and be by myself and let the Lord take my negative thoughts.  Then the family went out to play.  The weather was nice.
We played catch with the footballs and a couple really nice young boys that live a few doors down.  After having played catch we had our family soccer game.  It was the best effort the entire family put in.  I feel so much more positive than I did about 3 and half hours ago. 

I have to remember, I am a work in progress and there will be moments when, I simply am not where I need to be but I am working to get there.  God is working on my heart and he is the healing physician that I need. 
Just as he helped the lepers he will help me.  He healed those that had faith enough to simply touch his robes with out ever having spoken to him.  I may have half the faith of a mustard seed but the more I trust him , the more magic he can do.

Today is a new day and now is a new moment all so that I can do better than I have done.

ug

there is this swelling pit of frustration and anger and jealousy that I cannot shake.  I feel as though I am being eaten alive.  I wish God would create an intervention of my thought and emotion and totally take them over.  I want to cry but don't want anyone to see me and yet I don't want to be alone.   I am so utterly confused and lost. 
I want to punch something!   I want to run away and I want to be found and told how much I am loved and missed.  I want to scream so loud and hard I can't ever tell another lie or ever speak again.

The Truth in Romans

God lead me to read Romans today and I am already seeing examples of myself and what happened when I turned from loving God. It is pretty darn true.   I am amazed at the wonders of God.

^1:21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.

1:²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵ They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

1:29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹ they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. ³² Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

All with in the first 29 verses.  WOW.  I had been given over to a depraved mind.   I started to hate God, I had no fidelity, I slandered a good name because of my own greed  and had not love because I threw it away.

God says that If you have not love you haven't got anything. Think about that!  He is saying love is everything!  I threw away everything because of my own selfish desires of the flesh. 
I pray that God continues to heal me and bring me back to him. I don't want to continue on the path of no return. God is merciful and MIGHTY. God saves.   Please let me be worthy of saving.