The last week has been rough with all the sinus infections and brochospasms and chest colds going around the house. The last few days I've had a cough that seems to be escalating. I have listened to my own lungs and hear nothing abnormal so I am not too concerned except it feels like the invisible elephant that sat on my chest has gained a few pounds in the last 36 hours.
We shall see how tomorrow fairs before I go make an appointment. I hate being sick this time of year even if we aren't of the notion that you must follow with traditions. I don't feel much like doing anything other than snuggling under the blankets and sleeping.
I have been trying to force myself to study for the mental health exam we have coming up. I am so uninterested in this section that it is taking a lot to force myself to study. I think part of the problem is that I have short timers disease going on. It is the last test before we take our NCLEX and state boards. I just want to do well and continue with the on the job training. I learn better that way than reading the material straight.
Sigh; I simply need more prayer and time with God. I need him to help me sort out all the stress that is going through my head . I need to lean on him to help me get to where it is he needs me to be, yet I am super impatient and want it yesterday.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
writings from the vacant stair well
I haven't written in what feels like ten forevers. Sometimes I think I have forgotten how to. I feel as though I have lost touch with myself over the last year and a half, when really, I am simply getting to know a new part of me.
A wonderful friend asked me if I had been writing. She knows its how I cope and release and find my peace. I guess I have been so focused on the Army and becoming a Nurse that I have forgotten that I need this for me.
Not only has the Army /School focus taken me from my writing, but I have allowed it to take me from my family ( albeit only temporarily).
Tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with my son. I can't believe he is 14. I could tell he needed me. He needed the wisdom that comes with motherhood , growth and age. Seems like the things he is going through are things I have just recently spoken with my husband about with regards to myself. I am so grateful for the moments to be his mother and confident today. I am reminded that God is supposed to be that for me but I just haven't known how to reach out to him. I am going to take the advice I gave my son and just Talk to Him most high that loves me more than anyone ever. God gives us our children to remind us that we are his children and we sometimes need to cry to our Parents too. I am grateful for today's lesson.
A wonderful friend asked me if I had been writing. She knows its how I cope and release and find my peace. I guess I have been so focused on the Army and becoming a Nurse that I have forgotten that I need this for me.
Not only has the Army /School focus taken me from my writing, but I have allowed it to take me from my family ( albeit only temporarily).
Tonight, I had a wonderful conversation with my son. I can't believe he is 14. I could tell he needed me. He needed the wisdom that comes with motherhood , growth and age. Seems like the things he is going through are things I have just recently spoken with my husband about with regards to myself. I am so grateful for the moments to be his mother and confident today. I am reminded that God is supposed to be that for me but I just haven't known how to reach out to him. I am going to take the advice I gave my son and just Talk to Him most high that loves me more than anyone ever. God gives us our children to remind us that we are his children and we sometimes need to cry to our Parents too. I am grateful for today's lesson.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I remember
I remember when
poetry found us,
Two souls
floating on the waves
of words inside
our lonesome heads.
It brought us together
where it bound us
in shared moments
of genuine
emotions raging
needs fast and racing.
13 years later
the poetry is forgotten
no sharing
of waves of words.
Loneliness riles
the seas inside us.
Fighting with ores
we try
we steer our canoes
reaching for
I remembers
to hold the binding
that poetry glued.
poetry found us,
Two souls
floating on the waves
of words inside
our lonesome heads.
It brought us together
where it bound us
in shared moments
of genuine
emotions raging
needs fast and racing.
13 years later
the poetry is forgotten
no sharing
of waves of words.
Loneliness riles
the seas inside us.
Fighting with ores
we try
we steer our canoes
reaching for
I remembers
to hold the binding
that poetry glued.
It has been a while but life is amazing. Nursing school for the Army is trying to murder me but I will overcome and be a great nurse.
Last week end I got a new car. I love it. but yesterday I got into a car accident. I was making a left and didn't see a car coming and it crashed into me. No one was hurt. Praising the Father for that. I felt so horrible. I think I need to slow down and be patient. Good thing we have full coverage insurance.
We also got a new puppy. I love her spunky lil lazy attitude. We named her Nineveh and we call her Ninnie for short. She loves to play wii fit when someone else is on the wii board.
Last week end I got a new car. I love it. but yesterday I got into a car accident. I was making a left and didn't see a car coming and it crashed into me. No one was hurt. Praising the Father for that. I felt so horrible. I think I need to slow down and be patient. Good thing we have full coverage insurance.
We also got a new puppy. I love her spunky lil lazy attitude. We named her Nineveh and we call her Ninnie for short. She loves to play wii fit when someone else is on the wii board.
Friday, December 23, 2011
its been six months or more since my last update, I am now an Army Combat Medic. I have gained some awesome experiences and am so much more grateful for the things in my life. God has truly blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve.
In January I head to a follow on school for the Army and will become a Licensed Practical Nurse and that will help me greatly in achieving my RN. I know that none of this could be possible with out the support of my family and God's awesome will.
In January I head to a follow on school for the Army and will become a Licensed Practical Nurse and that will help me greatly in achieving my RN. I know that none of this could be possible with out the support of my family and God's awesome will.
Monday, June 6, 2011
the timing
I can't help the counting of hours and seeing the tears that are welling and not being let to slip. She is 11 and full of emotions and they often conflict. I feel somewhat guilty at having to go away, but i know that i need to do this. I need to take care of me to be able to take care of her and her siblings to the best of my abilities. It is simply hard to have to leave them when I have been the constant for them. This will be good for me and it has been something I have wanted to do since I was 12. It is scary to realize a dream that has been long dreamed.
.
.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Time is a Bird
The feathers that make that ticking and tocking have grown and can not be trimmed back. 3 days left, well really its 2 days, and I start the process of meeting my dreams head on. I pray that I will be mentally steadfast and not give in. I pray also that God grants me the wisdom to know and do what is right the entire time I am away from my family.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
11 days and counting
Eager and apprehensive
I stop as I run
taking my eyes from the ribbon
from the race I am running
Over my shoulder
glance my eyes
They look on you
, my flaws
and my heart sings,
You have not won!
My portals peep
over my clavecal
to the four little heads
almost my height
I wish to grab a hold
to shrink you
place you in my pocket
carry you on my journey
It is not to be
My journey is for me
No growth will come
should you tag along .
My path before
I must tread alone
to come back stronger
,a conqueror of my fears,
A leader to my off shoots.
The pages of the year turn
a little too fast
I am eager and apprehensive
To be whom My God determined me to be.
I stop as I run
taking my eyes from the ribbon
from the race I am running
Over my shoulder
glance my eyes
They look on you
, my flaws
and my heart sings,
You have not won!
My portals peep
over my clavecal
to the four little heads
almost my height
I wish to grab a hold
to shrink you
place you in my pocket
carry you on my journey
It is not to be
My journey is for me
No growth will come
should you tag along .
My path before
I must tread alone
to come back stronger
,a conqueror of my fears,
A leader to my off shoots.
The pages of the year turn
a little too fast
I am eager and apprehensive
To be whom My God determined me to be.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Totally AWESOME DUDE
Today was magnificant. We went to the Gateway area Ms MudRun. Got totally dirty. 6.2 miles of running and muddy obsticals. It was so much fun and it was for such a great cause.
I have to say my fave parts were the rope wall climb. the 25 foot wall climb and the obsticals at the pond. We had to go through the storm drain under the street and then run 1/4 a mile to the pond where we had to jump in and go under a log and then swim to the other side and run to the next obsticle was to run across a bridge that was a bunch of wabbly wipe out type squares that were all wet. A and I jumped off at the end to just to get a refreshing swim.
I didn't not think it would be a bad idea to wear camo bdu's and combat boots. It was. Next year I'll wear spandex pants and tennis shoes. Every time we had to get wet, my pants would slosh and my shoes would squish. One of the team mates was calling me squishy. It was awesome tho.
At the end we had to jump off a plat form that was ten feet up into a pit that was 6 feet deep. That was the most mentally challenging for me as I HATE heights. then we had to swim through 25 yards of muddy water, climb a muddy hill and slide down a muddy slide into a muddy pit. It was so awesome. After that , we got hosed off by a fire truck and got free food and massages and a professional trainer stretched us out.
It was one of the most rewarding experieces of my life. We plan to do this every year. The best part for me was doing it with A. We worked as a team with our team members and the atmosphere was so encouraging and fun. How often do you get to randomly hug strangers and hear people cheer each other on?
It was awesome!
from front to back : Cindy, Ken, Me, Jared, Aaron. Team The Dutch Mudders!!!
I have to say my fave parts were the rope wall climb. the 25 foot wall climb and the obsticals at the pond. We had to go through the storm drain under the street and then run 1/4 a mile to the pond where we had to jump in and go under a log and then swim to the other side and run to the next obsticle was to run across a bridge that was a bunch of wabbly wipe out type squares that were all wet. A and I jumped off at the end to just to get a refreshing swim.
I didn't not think it would be a bad idea to wear camo bdu's and combat boots. It was. Next year I'll wear spandex pants and tennis shoes. Every time we had to get wet, my pants would slosh and my shoes would squish. One of the team mates was calling me squishy. It was awesome tho.
At the end we had to jump off a plat form that was ten feet up into a pit that was 6 feet deep. That was the most mentally challenging for me as I HATE heights. then we had to swim through 25 yards of muddy water, climb a muddy hill and slide down a muddy slide into a muddy pit. It was so awesome. After that , we got hosed off by a fire truck and got free food and massages and a professional trainer stretched us out.
It was one of the most rewarding experieces of my life. We plan to do this every year. The best part for me was doing it with A. We worked as a team with our team members and the atmosphere was so encouraging and fun. How often do you get to randomly hug strangers and hear people cheer each other on?
It was awesome!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
WOW life is throwing it at me
This has definitely been a week of total chaos and displacement. My mother went into the hospital on Monday for leg numbness. She has C.O.P.D. and has been dealing with lots of blockage in her leg. She had an angioplasty a couple of weeks ago and she had to have another one Monday. There was a lot of cellular waste build up and had to have a different surgery to put in a drainage tube to allow the waste to drain. She still may lose her leg.
To add to that worry, yesterday my father's roommate called me to let me know that he was taken to the e.r. for shortness of breath and trouble breathing. If you don't know my dad you wouldn't realize how big a deal this is as, he HATES going to the doctor. The doctors in the e.r. gave him a nebulizer treatment but that didn't help. He eventually stopped breathing. He is intibated and sedated.
When I called the ICU today they informed me that I am the point of contact and the one named as next of Kin to make decisions for my father's life. He will also be on the ventilator for at least 48 hours to see if his lungs will heal. I was also asked if Dad had any wishes with regards to resusitation. That was kind of hard to hear. I know Dad has always told me he doesn't want any extra ordinary measure taken to prolong his life because he believes that when it is his time to go, it is his time.
The doctor is going to be calling me sometime this evening or tomorrow to talk about all of this with me.
We know as adults that there will be a time when we are called upon to make these decisions for our parents but we never really expect it to happen. I really pray that God guides my brothers and sisters and I through these challenges with our parents. I pray that he gives us all peace and courage and strength to face them with honor and wisdom. I hope that we can see each one of these instances as a way to show how much our parents matter to us inspite of or despite all the trials and errors that we have gone through together.
I am very grateful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my father in 2009. I am more than deeply relieved that I made the decision to let go of all the animosity that was held up in my heart because now I can look back and see the good not just the bad.
I find the timing for both of my parents to take ill quite horrible as I leave in a month for basic training. I know that at least this is happening before I go. I know that I should expect, in the just incase instance, a phone call while I am gone giving me the dreaded news of the loss of one of my parents. I am just glad that I am able to prepare for that event should it happen and will be most relieved if I don't get that call for several more years. There are so many people that never get the chance to prepare because it is sudden or simply not soon enought to wrap their minds around what is happening.
To add to that worry, yesterday my father's roommate called me to let me know that he was taken to the e.r. for shortness of breath and trouble breathing. If you don't know my dad you wouldn't realize how big a deal this is as, he HATES going to the doctor. The doctors in the e.r. gave him a nebulizer treatment but that didn't help. He eventually stopped breathing. He is intibated and sedated.
When I called the ICU today they informed me that I am the point of contact and the one named as next of Kin to make decisions for my father's life. He will also be on the ventilator for at least 48 hours to see if his lungs will heal. I was also asked if Dad had any wishes with regards to resusitation. That was kind of hard to hear. I know Dad has always told me he doesn't want any extra ordinary measure taken to prolong his life because he believes that when it is his time to go, it is his time.
The doctor is going to be calling me sometime this evening or tomorrow to talk about all of this with me.
We know as adults that there will be a time when we are called upon to make these decisions for our parents but we never really expect it to happen. I really pray that God guides my brothers and sisters and I through these challenges with our parents. I pray that he gives us all peace and courage and strength to face them with honor and wisdom. I hope that we can see each one of these instances as a way to show how much our parents matter to us inspite of or despite all the trials and errors that we have gone through together.
I am very grateful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my father in 2009. I am more than deeply relieved that I made the decision to let go of all the animosity that was held up in my heart because now I can look back and see the good not just the bad.
I find the timing for both of my parents to take ill quite horrible as I leave in a month for basic training. I know that at least this is happening before I go. I know that I should expect, in the just incase instance, a phone call while I am gone giving me the dreaded news of the loss of one of my parents. I am just glad that I am able to prepare for that event should it happen and will be most relieved if I don't get that call for several more years. There are so many people that never get the chance to prepare because it is sudden or simply not soon enought to wrap their minds around what is happening.
Friday, April 29, 2011
I miss you
Been thinking about my grand mothers and my aunt lately as well as my best friends mama. These women all made a huge impact on my life. I learned something from each one of them and feel as though I lost them all way before I should have.
J.B. definitely feels this way about Ms. Hope. She was a great mother and just the same to all of her adopted kids too.
I miss the things we used to do and talk about. I always thought these women would be in my life forever, that they would be there to coach me through the rough days in my life with my kids, but they aren't and it makes me sad.
If only for one moment I could hug them all again and let them know how much they mean to me and how tightly I hold them dear to my heart.
J.B. definitely feels this way about Ms. Hope. She was a great mother and just the same to all of her adopted kids too.
I miss the things we used to do and talk about. I always thought these women would be in my life forever, that they would be there to coach me through the rough days in my life with my kids, but they aren't and it makes me sad.
If only for one moment I could hug them all again and let them know how much they mean to me and how tightly I hold them dear to my heart.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
been a minute or an hour
The realization that life is a roller coaster and I cannot allow the bad to out weigh the good.
I am soo looking forward to the future. I have 48 days until I start the journey of soldier. It is so awesome. I went to my first Reserve Drill week end. We got to take down a moble hospital tent called a temper tent.
Things are getting better at home.
God is taking control of my life and I am grateful that I have a God that loves me and forgives me and knew all the things I was and am going to do before I ever was even a thought in the world of humanity.
I am soo looking forward to the future. I have 48 days until I start the journey of soldier. It is so awesome. I went to my first Reserve Drill week end. We got to take down a moble hospital tent called a temper tent.
Things are getting better at home.
God is taking control of my life and I am grateful that I have a God that loves me and forgives me and knew all the things I was and am going to do before I ever was even a thought in the world of humanity.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
sigh
Had a much better evening than the afternoon. I took a moment or 20 to go and be by myself and let the Lord take my negative thoughts. Then the family went out to play. The weather was nice.
We played catch with the footballs and a couple really nice young boys that live a few doors down. After having played catch we had our family soccer game. It was the best effort the entire family put in. I feel so much more positive than I did about 3 and half hours ago.
I have to remember, I am a work in progress and there will be moments when, I simply am not where I need to be but I am working to get there. God is working on my heart and he is the healing physician that I need.
Just as he helped the lepers he will help me. He healed those that had faith enough to simply touch his robes with out ever having spoken to him. I may have half the faith of a mustard seed but the more I trust him , the more magic he can do.
Today is a new day and now is a new moment all so that I can do better than I have done.
We played catch with the footballs and a couple really nice young boys that live a few doors down. After having played catch we had our family soccer game. It was the best effort the entire family put in. I feel so much more positive than I did about 3 and half hours ago.
I have to remember, I am a work in progress and there will be moments when, I simply am not where I need to be but I am working to get there. God is working on my heart and he is the healing physician that I need.
Just as he helped the lepers he will help me. He healed those that had faith enough to simply touch his robes with out ever having spoken to him. I may have half the faith of a mustard seed but the more I trust him , the more magic he can do.
Today is a new day and now is a new moment all so that I can do better than I have done.
ug
there is this swelling pit of frustration and anger and jealousy that I cannot shake. I feel as though I am being eaten alive. I wish God would create an intervention of my thought and emotion and totally take them over. I want to cry but don't want anyone to see me and yet I don't want to be alone. I am so utterly confused and lost.
I want to punch something! I want to run away and I want to be found and told how much I am loved and missed. I want to scream so loud and hard I can't ever tell another lie or ever speak again.
I want to punch something! I want to run away and I want to be found and told how much I am loved and missed. I want to scream so loud and hard I can't ever tell another lie or ever speak again.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Truth in Romans
God lead me to read Romans today and I am already seeing examples of myself and what happened when I turned from loving God. It is pretty darn true. I am amazed at the wonders of God.
1:21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.
1:24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
1:29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
All with in the first 29 verses. WOW. I had been given over to a depraved mind. I started to hate God, I had no fidelity, I slandered a good name because of my own greed and had not love because I threw it away.
God says that If you have not love you haven't got anything. Think about that! He is saying love is everything! I threw away everything because of my own selfish desires of the flesh.
I pray that God continues to heal me and bring me back to him. I don't want to continue on the path of no return. God is merciful and MIGHTY. God saves. Please let me be worthy of saving.
1:21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.
1:24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
1:29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
All with in the first 29 verses. WOW. I had been given over to a depraved mind. I started to hate God, I had no fidelity, I slandered a good name because of my own greed and had not love because I threw it away.
God says that If you have not love you haven't got anything. Think about that! He is saying love is everything! I threw away everything because of my own selfish desires of the flesh.
I pray that God continues to heal me and bring me back to him. I don't want to continue on the path of no return. God is merciful and MIGHTY. God saves. Please let me be worthy of saving.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A letter to My Father
I know you are working something, but does it have to be so painful? I know I have oft turned from your face and that this is all just a wake up call to come home to you. I want to come home to you. but the devil is telling me that I am already lost, that I am worthless and unlovable and unforgivable. I struggle to tune him out and rely on what I know to be true. I need your intervention in my life. I need help in letting you take control of my life and carry me when I am weary. Right now, I am beyond weary. My way isn't working and I don't know how to let you take the wheel from me.
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